June 29, 2009

I Love Technology.... Sometimes

Now, I admit that I'm not very technologically savvy.  A lot of you wonder how it is I don't understand certain things about the interweb or the Google or the abacus, since I technically know everything.

Well, the truth is, knowing everything is exhausting.  And, really, about 99.9672% of the stuff I know is not important enough to keep on auto-recall status, so I store it away in my mind and have to find it when necessary.

Things pertaining to technology are definitely stored in the "things I don't really need to know right now" vault.  I mean, it all changes SO FAST that it's impossible to remember what's applicable when, so I choose to not remember how certain computery thingamajiggies and whozamawhatsits work because it makes my brain tired.  But there are certain highly technical things at which I'm quite adept.

For example: MarioKart.  I am awesome at MarioKart. Now that's my kind of technology.

June 26, 2009

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not useth thy knees to steer thy jacked-up Ford F-250 whilst straddling two lanes on the freeway at 37 miles per hour just so that thou might have thy hands free to eat a bowl of leftover chili from last night's potluck dinner at thy neighbor Beau's house.

June 25, 2009

I Really Needed That

So, I finally did it. I've been saying for months how how I was going to do it, and yesterday I did. I couldn't be happier about it. I really think it was the best decision I've made in a long time.

I took a day off.

In the middle of the week.

I just miracled myself a nice long stretch of isolated beach, complete with a striped beach umbrella and a fruity drink, laid back in the nice warm sand and listened to Huey Lewis & The News' Greatest Hits on loop.

And the Universe didn't collapse in on itself or ANYTHING. Well, okay, there were a couple of little minor things that happened, but really I'm pretty pleased with how it all turned out. It's silly of me, I know, to worry about what will happen if I take a day off. I mean, I've created a well-oiled machine around here. Why, I took off most of the 16th Century; things are a bit more complicated now, so I probably couldn't disappear for decades at a time like I did then, but I bet everything would keep working for at least a couple of months. I'm just a bit of a control freak, so it's hard for me to admit that the Universe doesn't need me every second of every day.

Plus, I obviously know nothing will happen. But there's still that tiny part of me that wonders, "What if?"

But having a day off was a great way to recharge my batteries, destress a little bit. I'm really glad I did it. But now I'm back to workin' for a livin', livin' and a-workin'. I'm takin' what they're givin' 'cause I'm workin' for a livin'!

June 23, 2009

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

... going by the name Chaz.

June 22, 2009

At Least It's A Tradition

Every year, Jesus and I have a bit of a row on Father's Day. Yesterday was no exception. He never gets me a Father's Day present, because (as he puts it) I'm God so I can miracle myself anything I want anytime I want it, and I'd know what he was going to give me anyway and that takes all the fun out of it.

I always rebut by explaining to him that those are moot points, because the real purpose of Father's Day is not because dads want stuff, it's because they want some indication that their children appreciate everything they do for them.

Then he says that I know everything, so I already know how much he appreciates me, and I say that even though I know it, it's still nice to hear it every once in a while. Then he says "I appreciate you," and I say "You couldn't have told me that with slippers?" And he says I'm contradicting myself, rolls his eyes, and walks away.

We go through this every single year. But it's okay, because I know that 84 years from now he's going to relent and give me a beard maintenance kit for Father's Day, and when he does I'll whip out the identical one that I'd miracled myself the day before and say "I wanted slippers."

June 19, 2009

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt read Satan's Blog, for he hath renewed his commitment to update it as his therapist thought it would be a good emotional outlet for him.

June 18, 2009

Coming Soon....

Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?

I am sooo behind on answering prayers. It's actually one of my favorite parts of the job, but it's so time-consuming that I tend to put it off and put it off and put it off while I do other small projects until my inbox is absolutely overflowing.

Luckily, seeing as how I'm Me, I can answer prayers retroactively. Just because I didn't get your prayer about helping your sick sister get better until today doesn't mean that I didn't answer it last week.

It's a good thing my answers aren't subject to the constraints of time. I don't remember the last time I was caught up enough to answer prayers as they came in. I mean, I could easily keep up with all of it, but I don't really want to. Mostly this is because I like to keep just enough stuff piled in my inbox so that when Moses comes in wanting to 'chat' I can just cast a meaningful "I'm really busy" kind of glance at the big pile waiting for me and he won't stay as long.

June 17, 2009

Don't Be Sore Losers

Pete, Gabriel and I play in Heaven's 3-on-3 basketball league. We got to pick our own team name, so obviously we're called The Best Team in the League. True, it's a long name, and it was a little hard to fit when we were writing it on our league t-shirts with sharpies, but at least it's accurate.

Plus, it's just really cool when you're just out getting some pizza with your boys and you overhear someone at the next table talking about how their team is going up against The Best Team in the League.

Yesterday we played The Turkeys: Benjamin Franklin, Henry IV, and a really sweet guy named Carl. WE KILLED THEM. Final score: 217 - 6. But while Pete, Gabe and I were doing our victory dance, Ben and Hank started grumbling about how "games against God's team shouldn't count in the bracket" and nonsense like that. They don't think it's "fair" for me to "play basketball" because "I control the Universe."

Pfft. Please. There's no need to be such a sourpuss about it. I mean, just because I'm God and I have Godly Powers and never miss a shot doesn't mean I shouldn't be allowed to play just like anybody else. I just have certain natural abilities. Nobody ever called Michael Jordan a cheater just because he's so good.

June 16, 2009

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

... eating a Hot Pocket.

June 12, 2009

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not bringeth thy small children with thee to an obviously non-kid-friendly show at the movie theater simply because thou didst not wish to hire a babysitter (which makes no sense, anyway, since thou art paying just as much for thy children's tickets as thou would pay for the 12-year-old that lives down the street to keep them alive for a few hours), and then allow thy children to run amock in the theater, and not keepest them in their seats but ignoreth them as they run up and down the stairs and tosseth their booster seats about the aisles and OMMe if those were my children I'd beat them with the bloody stumps of their arms.

June 11, 2009

I Want My MTV!

I've come up with a great idea. Seriously. Probably the best idea I've had since gravity (you don't even want to KNOW what a mess things were before that).

You know how I've been working on my songwriting? Well, I'm going to make a music video. See, there's this thing I found called the You Tube, where anybody who wants to can make a video and put it on the interweb for other people to see. Pete says there's even a way I can put a video right here on this blog, but he's been known to exaggerate.

So now all I have to do is shoot the video and have Pete show me how to put it on the You Tube. Oh, and I have to finish writing a song. See, I have a kind of a pattern when it comes to my music. I've never written a whole, complete song.

I don't know if it's because I'm just afraid of how awesome they will be or what, but I always get stuck partway through the songwriting process. It gets to a point where I just don't know how to finish it. Usually it's right after I come up with the title. Then I'm completely stumped.

June 10, 2009


Some of you are still missing the point of the Forgivable Sin of the Day, so let me reiterate.

It's a one-day deal, kids. One day and one day only. For 24 hours from the time I post the Forgivable Sin of the Day, you are free to participate in said sin without fear of consequences. It doesn't mean I'll forgive past offenses, and it doesn't mean that it's no longer a sin in the future.

It's like a one-day sale. Just like the Victoria's Secret Semi-Annual Sale would be if it were just for one day instead of for two weeks. Yeah. Just like that.

By the way, thinking about the Victoria's Secret Semi-Annual Sale when the Victoria's Secret Semi-Annual Sale is not presently running is totally a forgivable sin year-round. But it's the only one.

June 9, 2009

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

... turning your eyelids inside out just because you're bored.

June 8, 2009

New Creation

I feel like making something new today. I like to do that every now and then, and hide the new creatures deep in jungles so the scientists get all excited. But I can't decide what I want to make today. Which do you think would be cooler, a plant with eyes or a bird with frog legs?

June 5, 2009

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt calleth someone on the phone and then get distracted and chatteth with the person sitting next to thee whilst the person thou called answers and says, "Hello? Hello?! Can you hear me? Hello?!" and finally hangs up on thee so that thou must call them again.

June 4, 2009

What Gives?

You know what I've noticed? About 78% of the people who put themselves down as Wanting To Go To Heaven (look over there -->) are women.

I can't say I'm completely surprised by that, but let me ask you something. Do you think it's because women are overall kinder, gentler, more loving and selfless, and therefore more spiritually in tune? Or is it just because they find my beard so damn sexy?

Your Laws Are Funnier Than Mine

You totally crack me up. Although I did give you a few rules and guidelines, I've pretty much left it up to you to figure out how to run your own lives. And occasionally the rules and laws you've put in place for yourselves can be a little bit ridiculous. Sometimes the things you come up with.... I mean, who thinks of stuff like that? I'm telling you, you are an endless source of entertainment for me.

For example, today I spent a full 26 minutes laughing hysterically over the fact that in Scotland it is illegal to be drunk while in possession of a cow. I mean, somebody had to actually sit down, form the conclusion that people with cows shouldn't be tipsy, consider it enough of a hazard that it should be enacted into a law, and convince enough local lawmakers that it was important enough to be written down and made official.

No joke, when I came up with the Big 10 I pretty much winged it. To be honest, Moses had asked me to do it weeks before, and we had that meeting on Mount Sinai scheduled, but when he showed up I had completely forgotten about it. So I scratched something down on some tablets I had lying around really fast just so he wouldn't get all fussy about it. When he got back down the mountain and actually took a moment to read them, he was soooo pissed to see that I had just written "Moses sucks" ten times that he threw them on the ground and smashed them.

So, when he came back to get them for real, I let him help me with the wording so he'd feel important (I told you a little about that here). In retrospect, I never should have done that. It completely went to his big fat head.

I wish he had a sense of humor, because then the Big 10 could have been an absolute riot. Like the drunk with a cow law. I could have done some really good ones. And I would have left number 8 as "Moses Sucks." And probably number 9, too.

June 3, 2009

What's In A Name, Anyway?

Heaven is a big place, and always getting bigger, it seems. With all the new people moving in all the time, it's amazing that we're able to keep pace with accomodating all of them. We build about 87,000 houses a day.

There are lots of regions in Heaven. Within each region are lots of different boroughs, and within each borough are lots of different neighborhoods. Sometimes, the angel in charge of new development in a specific neighborhood has to oversee the creation of six or seven different streets in a single day. It can be hard to be creative when it comes to naming streets. We have 837 Elm Streets, for crying out loud.

The other day a few new residents came to complain to me. They were less than thrilled that when they arrived in Heaven they were assigned houses on 3.14159265358979 Avenue. I told them that around here, we pronounce it 'pi', but they still thought it was ridiculous for them to have to remember that street name every time they had to write down their address.

I told them it could be a lot worse. We could have sent them to live on Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia Lane.

June 2, 2009

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

... wearing pink short-shorts while cruising around the yard on your riding lawnmower.

June 1, 2009

Sometimes Things Just Work Out

When I got to work this morning there was a card on my desk. On the front was a picture of a smiling sunflower and a rainbow. Inside it said, "Hey, God! We just wanted to do a little something to say 'Thank You' for everything you do around here! Love, The Miracles Department."

That was so thoughtful. The timing was absolutely perfect, because as I was arriving at the office my Fruit Stripe was losing flavor and I wanted to throw it out, so I really needed something I could wrap it up in so it wouldn't gunk up the side of my rubbish bin. That card was perfect!

Thanks, guys.