tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5875408222113890592023-11-16T09:00:06.768-07:00God's BlogGodhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.comBlogger224125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587540822211389059.post-57867814346293498512010-03-31T15:41:00.000-06:002010-03-31T15:41:00.193-06:00What Is Kirk Cameron Thinking?<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5oyQynCTDRiU1KV6IT22RO9xc9IQ6uz-aHu3dFxjO85XGD7sMJx5coZesGxZ9SbyttR9F14sqcZDYCz71Tq13M8L_byuDTuUNlppUP1l4sJyl7NgImQ2-wGmWr50WnBGySzpRRTgCEqVa/s1600-h/kirk.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5387007913799946866" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 196px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5oyQynCTDRiU1KV6IT22RO9xc9IQ6uz-aHu3dFxjO85XGD7sMJx5coZesGxZ9SbyttR9F14sqcZDYCz71Tq13M8L_byuDTuUNlppUP1l4sJyl7NgImQ2-wGmWr50WnBGySzpRRTgCEqVa/s320/kirk.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div>Godhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587540822211389059.post-30105726202938711362010-02-28T10:40:00.000-07:002010-02-28T10:40:00.068-07:00What Is Kirk Cameron Thinking?<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQHiPSPLoxKIL5Yk20mY5tncfRXIW197zp7zJm0KXenT8cAxXNXcKWrIZX5caavpYKLYsLYSYUVesk7rYG2NJw1STZJE0Hfp7oeNG_gFc_rwv6FpBLvIPIjw1-N4BvTv40NpwyxMdlzai8/s1600-h/kirk.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5387007570739072130" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 237px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQHiPSPLoxKIL5Yk20mY5tncfRXIW197zp7zJm0KXenT8cAxXNXcKWrIZX5caavpYKLYsLYSYUVesk7rYG2NJw1STZJE0Hfp7oeNG_gFc_rwv6FpBLvIPIjw1-N4BvTv40NpwyxMdlzai8/s320/kirk.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div>Godhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587540822211389059.post-13459699742493601072010-01-31T08:38:00.000-07:002010-01-31T08:38:00.133-07:00What Is Kirk Cameron Thinking?<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis6WGmGhhnruyI7TY8q-l8iTymrZCEoN5U99h3SegdeYRO6CIYhHGD9oYq_rZhRutmV-Owbm4p-RjCuObjrhCBxHSjAqiufuZrQ1lX3k7Ju-ej5jasLBFCohlUvoc8ogg_k3OZrPgMmgen/s1600-h/kirk.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5387007162141669218" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 250px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis6WGmGhhnruyI7TY8q-l8iTymrZCEoN5U99h3SegdeYRO6CIYhHGD9oYq_rZhRutmV-Owbm4p-RjCuObjrhCBxHSjAqiufuZrQ1lX3k7Ju-ej5jasLBFCohlUvoc8ogg_k3OZrPgMmgen/s320/kirk.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div>Godhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587540822211389059.post-85848282681697048032010-01-16T10:20:00.000-07:002010-01-16T10:20:00.178-07:00Guest Blogger: The Bandit EditionBark!Godhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587540822211389059.post-68778121772301898862009-12-31T15:37:00.001-07:002009-12-31T15:37:00.524-07:00What Is Kirk Cameron Thinking?<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBTdumjqH4cmQ8spHxqrT55lmB7z57VPyFMOgAzpXlF50t5Hxyix5wuL25h_iJ3lhfIJMTtqR3HToNofaYDsHZ624M_bULtV65QSmR0eVGvfg55FoW6eJ8-ilDpdnJkW-4b3COkQWfCth7/s1600-h/kirk.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5387006770181637378" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 256px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBTdumjqH4cmQ8spHxqrT55lmB7z57VPyFMOgAzpXlF50t5Hxyix5wuL25h_iJ3lhfIJMTtqR3HToNofaYDsHZ624M_bULtV65QSmR0eVGvfg55FoW6eJ8-ilDpdnJkW-4b3COkQWfCth7/s320/kirk.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div>Godhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587540822211389059.post-5034016143590326512009-12-07T09:50:00.000-07:002009-12-07T09:50:00.093-07:00Creation That Didn't Pan Out #1,544Pen fountains.Godhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587540822211389059.post-22672422073564953922009-11-30T13:32:00.000-07:002009-11-30T13:32:00.871-07:00What Is Kirk Cameron Thinking?<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXDCDFtq0kxBDg0rFS4HT_79OQCqe9VDhtmVKUOdAEdNFZE1-r9f1Aul_nZGw81Tj1yK5367AB0znj_SJ1hZbZQAW0PYpvrV2UZ3xqI8rfXiEjsmN9vMEdQ1urVQ846kLCMqPFnN0xjbWP/s1600-h/kirk.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5387005541390655794" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 175px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 203px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXDCDFtq0kxBDg0rFS4HT_79OQCqe9VDhtmVKUOdAEdNFZE1-r9f1Aul_nZGw81Tj1yK5367AB0znj_SJ1hZbZQAW0PYpvrV2UZ3xqI8rfXiEjsmN9vMEdQ1urVQ846kLCMqPFnN0xjbWP/s320/kirk.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div>Godhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587540822211389059.post-37190137417177262112009-11-26T12:47:00.001-07:002009-11-26T12:47:00.139-07:00Creation That Didn't Pan Out #318Wafflebirds.Godhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587540822211389059.post-24615426869993205582009-11-12T09:38:00.003-07:002009-11-12T09:59:00.647-07:00Happy Birthday, Universe!Wow, I can't believe the Universe is already 6,013 years old. I remember Creating it like it was yesterday.<br /><br />I know, I know. You think I'm a few weeks late. Because once again you think you know me or how I operate better than I do. The Missus is always telling me that when I made people after my own image they inherited my arrogance. My mistake.<br /><br />But despite what every rational, Me-fearing person on Earth believes, the Universe was not created on the night proceeding October 23, 4004 BC. It was actually around 2 pm on November 12, 4004 BC. James Ussher was close, but he failed to take into account how quickly Adam rushed through the whole naming-the-animals task. I mean, maybe if he had taken an extra couple of weeks Adam would have come up with something better than "aardvark."Godhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587540822211389059.post-88350768968444598552009-11-11T06:43:00.001-07:002009-11-11T06:43:00.149-07:00Creation That Didn't Pan Out #22Heffalumps. Also, woozles.Godhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587540822211389059.post-33475041976786534412009-11-10T08:48:00.003-07:002009-11-10T09:26:06.239-07:00The Play-It-Again SamsOne of the greatest perks about Heaven is that, because there are SO MANY people up here, you can always find someone who's gung-ho about your latest great idea.<br /><br />So I wasn't at all surprised at how many people responded to the flier I posted up at the rec center last week, asking for people to join a new club. We had almost forty people show up to our very first meeting, and I'm sure once word gets out it will grow like crazy. I mean, who <em>wouldn't</em> want to join the Play-It-Again Sams?<br /><br />See, the idea is that we all get together and recreate, scene-by-scene, the greatest selections from the history of theater, television, and movies. Then we put video of our recreation up on HaLo (it's kind of like our version of YouTube). So it's called the Play-It-Again club, and everyone in it is a Sam.<br /><br />I know. Take a moment to soak up my cleverness.<br /><br />What we do is actually inspired by all of you guys down there on Earth. See, you guys are masters at not only recreating the same plays and movies and tv shows over and over again, but also of happily <em>watching</em> the same plays and movies and tv shows over and over again. I mean, as long as it was done before, no matter how terrible it was the first time, you're perfectly content to spend your Tuesday nights watching <em>Melrose Place</em>.<br /><br />You amaze me.<br /><br />Our first meeting was great. We decided to really start things off with a bang and tackle the first episode of season 3 of <em>Mork & Mindy</em> - you know, the one where Mork has decided to give up his Orkin ways and try to be more human because he ran out of cocaine? I think it went really well, except for when that guy Joe said this whole thing is stupid and why don't we all go outside instead and throw a ball around or something. He just doesn't get the spirit of the Play-It-Again Sams.<br /><br />We already have almost 3 million hits on HaLo.Godhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587540822211389059.post-46463685166656337682009-10-31T11:29:00.001-06:002009-10-31T11:29:00.107-06:00What Is Kirk Cameron Thinking?<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmQ9OWSCPSmWJgK40zFPg1-F_kd0o0HtBsNiWUeLm_CZxlApi-mMgxBp-zf9Tu4e0FseHxBDigLryhgHdxG-ACvH-P5BuAART4aqDqqmKilZIC6SfUaPT92jWJUKy9HqrVlcrNU2MLKJpf/s1600-h/kirk.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5387005095652677362" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 212px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmQ9OWSCPSmWJgK40zFPg1-F_kd0o0HtBsNiWUeLm_CZxlApi-mMgxBp-zf9Tu4e0FseHxBDigLryhgHdxG-ACvH-P5BuAART4aqDqqmKilZIC6SfUaPT92jWJUKy9HqrVlcrNU2MLKJpf/s320/kirk.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div>Godhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587540822211389059.post-15647023092990982242009-10-23T11:04:00.003-06:002009-10-23T14:18:53.142-06:00It's Snow Day!!!One of the things about Heaven is that it's perfect weather all the time. It's always 73° F (I will never understand why you guys on Earth are so happy with 72° - it's like being an eighth of a teaspoon short of the perfect amount of marinara sauce for the perfect meatball sub and eating it happily anyway), there are always just a few fluffy clouds in the sky, the sun is always warm but never too bright, and there's just a hint of a gentle breeze wafting by.<br /><br />Ahhhhhh....<br /><br />But there are certain Human traits that people retain when they come to Heaven. So, as it is their nature, people always complain about it being "too perfect."<br /><br />Seriously, I know. But just wait, because you'll do it, too. It'll sneak up on you. You'll be enjoying a peaceful picnic in the Golden Fields and without even realizing it, the words, "It's too quiet" will escape your lips. And then you'll start looking around you and muttering how the all the gold is a little <em>intensely</em> gold, isn't it? And then later you'll be on one of the roller coasters and realize that it is precisely the right amount of thrilling.<br /><br />The next thing you know you'll be in my office banging your fists on my desk, your face going through several lovely shades of red being settling on a nice mauve, screaming, "IS IT SO HARD TO TURN THE TEMPERATURE DOWN BY ONE LOUSY DEGREE?!"<br /><br />Yes, you will. You think you won't, but you will.<br /><br />So, throughout the year I like to remind everyone just how good they have it by having days of alternative weather. Rain Day is the third Thursday in March, Fog Day is always May 9, Heat Wave Day is the first Monday after the first Thursday after the first full moon in August. And today? Today is Snow Day.<br /><br />Of course, it wouldn't be very effective if these were perfect versions of alternative weather. If Rain Day were just a pleasant drizzle instead of a re-creation of the Great Flood times about 16 thousand, then people wouldn't ever learn to appreciate the perfect weather the rest of the year. If people were still able to see the ends of their own noses on Fog Day, no one would say, "Okay, okay! I'm sorry, God! I'll never complain about the weather again!"<br /><br />Snow Day is my favorite.Godhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587540822211389059.post-21951315949261616692009-10-21T12:16:00.000-06:002009-10-21T12:16:00.205-06:00Strrrrrrrike!It's a popular urban legend that whenever thunder rolls, it's because I'm up here bowling. While the thunder thing is untrue, it is a fact that I love bowling. And, naturally, I'm really good. The last time I went I scored a 312.<br /><br />I know that down on Earth the highest score you can get is 300, but up here you get bonus points every time you make one of the pins wince.Godhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587540822211389059.post-35789811114198377932009-10-20T08:20:00.000-06:002009-10-20T08:20:00.539-06:00Creation That Didn't Pan Out #646Dragons.Godhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587540822211389059.post-42193773466819068152009-10-19T12:25:00.006-06:002009-10-19T13:25:20.791-06:00Guest Blogger: The Pete EditionSometimes I get busy. And as much as I love writing this blog, it's not exactly my top priority. It falls somewhere inbetween keeping the Earth from barreling headlong into the sun and cleaning out the lint trap in the dryer. When I have a lot of things on my plate, it tends to fall by the wayside.<br /><br />So I've come up with a great solution! I'm going to let some of my friends (and Moses) serve as guest bloggers from time to time! First up: My best friend, Saint Peter.<br /><br />Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand GO!<br /><br /><u>Why I Don't Blog</u><br />by Saint Peter<br /><br />I used to have a blog. I updated it... oh, maybe a dozen times.<br /><br />It got old.<br /><br />I've never really been much for words. I'm more of a man of action.<br /><br />I mean, I didn't exactly <em>talk</em> Malchus' ear off. You know?<br /><br />You know.<br /><br />Even when I wrote those epistles, I had to have somebody else put it all down for me while I gave them a rough idea of what I wanted it to say. They turned out alright.<br /><br />God, on the other hand, is full of words.<br /><br />Lots of big, loud, exaggerated words.<br /><br />Which makes a blog the perfect thing for him. But not so much for me. Occasional guest-blogger is more than enough for me.<br /><br />I can't even think of a good way to end this thing.Godhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587540822211389059.post-1105885165212941582009-10-12T08:17:00.003-06:002009-10-12T09:08:47.586-06:00Happy Canadian Thanksgiving!As you know, I usually don't pay much attention to my Canadian children.<br /><br />It's not that I love them any less, it's just.... well, they're boring. And they rarely get into trouble, so it's not like I have to keep my eye on them every waking second. Not that I don't occasionally appreciate that. It's kind of like I'm one of those moms with 195 children at the grocery store, and they're all off in a million directions. Italy is crawling on the floor trying to look up ladies' skirts, America is pelting passersby with pistachios out of the bulk bins, Japan is building a robot out of bananas and a jar of mayonnaise to try to get one of those giant bouncy balls out of the net thing, and Belgium keeps falling down as it tries to run past the end of its monkey-backpack-child-leash.<br /><br />But Canada? Canada is holding on to the side of the cart with one hand and casually reading the nutrition label on a box of bran flakes.<br /><br />I mean, it has its benefits, don't get me wrong. But it also means that I never get to ground Canada or send it to its room without dinner or tell it that it can yell and scream and cry all it wants to but there's no way I'm letting it leave the house in that outfit, which as you all know is the greatest part of being a parent.<br /><br />The power.... ohhhhh, the power....<br /><br />But as I'm sure you remember (and if you don't, you can refresh your memory by clicking <a href="http://god-has-a-blog.blogspot.com/2008/11/this-made-me-feel-sad.html">here</a> - just be sure to repent later for your forgetfullness), Bandit is Canadian. And this is his first Canadian Thanksgiving since he came to Heaven.<br /><br />Almost everybody feels a little Earth-sick on the first big holiday they spend in Heaven. So the Missus and I decided to make an all-out Canadian Thanksgiving for Bandit to make him feel better. The Missus is cooking a delicious turkey with all the fixings, Bandit and I are going to watch the Calgary/Montreal game later (I promised not to tell him who wins ahead of time), and then we're going to play a little hockey after dinner.<br /><br />By the way, the house smells SOOO GOOOD right now. I think the smell of all that Canadian Thanksgiving food is really taking him back. And later, when we sit down to this deliciously aromatic feast and say, "No, Bandit, this is people food. It's not for you. Eat your kibble," it'll really feel like home.Godhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587540822211389059.post-24484377811719228122009-10-09T08:21:00.002-06:002009-10-09T08:49:39.860-06:00Friday's Forgotten CommandmentThou shalt not useth the expression, "It's always in the last place you look," because once thou hast found the thing that thou wast searching for, thou dost not continue searching, so <em>obviously</em> it was in the last place that thou looked; so that if thou sought and did not find, and sought and did not find, and sought and found, thou wouldst not seek again, now would thee?Godhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587540822211389059.post-32410448630704806292009-10-07T08:26:00.000-06:002009-10-07T08:26:00.376-06:00You Wouldn't Want To Miss This One!As you know, <a href="http://god-has-a-blog.blogspot.com/2009/01/im-awesome.html">I like to take online personality quizzes when I'm bored</a>. I just took one that told me what actor would play me if they made a movie about me. And it was so fun that I called Pete over at the Pearlies so he could take it, too. Then we had Satan and Moses try.<br /><br />Let me tell you, this would be an awesome movie. In fact, Pete and I are going to start working on a screenplay tonight. We think it will be an action/comedy/drama. We'll have to take a bit of creative license, though, because truthfully there aren't a whole lot of things blowing up in slow motion in Heaven.<br /><br />So, if you were going to see a movie about modern-day Heaven, this is what you would see:<br /><br />My result:<br /><br /><p><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5389548232957548802" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 372px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPfxutlYv9jP97ZW0Yi85tasch-9JsWC2bQve2Uqi7tSGGfr7ecWOBQUKff0CPQb0uFIkRP2v4nrYiMjN4qmaGuh095NETG9Vel1WwofYjcxae52MGXMLU7cXU27HYi8DhUArF3oaVgPW-/s400/cliveresult.jpg" border="0" /><br /><br />Pete's result:<br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5389548243058750690" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 372px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNxmgbBcUp64GOG5Jq6hHcpNKoubJoStrOqRtbPaR7M5gnfocS_Y8xRIBtKCCbWQjtA9Ee3Jap_HeP6NzG8iPIYqry5TROFIxo3dZg4GvU4Si31pTtAPECojii5K0lvO-0VjGr4YrylpfZ/s400/downeyresult.jpg" border="0" /><br /><br />Satan's result:<br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5389564638362161794" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 370px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmqVk3BGoaRCHDcjkLAq7Y8_1wQdwV1l4e06p7k4yQ9zpr-pPvjuRZqRe2E349FvcPkaLmOBNCXYbKSd3TkGitU0YV0j7doJfU_zMPhhyphenhyphenXV4pQKLIo6ZopP7MhyphenhyphenDuwb2WW_Pvth8VBiWW7/s400/sean.jpg" border="0" /><br /><br />Moses' result:<br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5389548247362776178" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 372px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvijdVIHCktSn2L_BR9HmWSWvAvF0bUdF2wEZUtKANeaQxw1pT7fE-3kqXgD4Ht8DybaihzqyN3lNnQ1gCv2wqo6sqwRB7M3aPfwyPwTrwfu4wIBo8HiSktoXbRAno9OBst4HLdWYC77oL/s400/pratt.jpg" border="0" /></p>Godhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587540822211389059.post-73069848575680348392009-10-06T10:22:00.002-06:002009-10-06T10:22:00.802-06:00Creation That Didn't Pan Out #3,246Merpeople.Godhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587540822211389059.post-15104176351228344542009-10-05T16:39:00.002-06:002009-10-06T12:28:32.077-06:00Little Known FactDespite popular belief, Satan and I have never played a game of chess.<br /><br />We rock at Pictionary, though.Godhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587540822211389059.post-88970171513899141292009-10-02T09:29:00.000-06:002009-10-02T09:29:00.114-06:00Friday's Forgotten CommandmentThou shalt not send a postcard to thy husband when thou art on thy business trip to Vancouver that sayeth, "Hi, honey! Vancouver is great, but I wish I weren't stuck in boring meetings all day so I could see a bit more of the city. I hope everything at home is okay. <span style="font-size:85%;">I'm running out of room but I just want you to know that</span> <span style="font-size:78%;">I'm cheating on you with my personal assistant Byron</span>" because as thou knowest, the name 'Byron' is stupid and thy husband would much rather thou cheated on him with someone with a real man's name.Godhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587540822211389059.post-72788331140908964132009-09-30T09:39:00.002-06:002009-09-30T10:00:48.142-06:00My Most Sincere Apologies / New Feature!As one of my faithful blogsciples, who for some reason likes being called "Big Bags" or "Large Sacks", pointed out to me yesterday, I've been a bit remiss. I realize that some of you had some high expectations about my blog, and I've let you down. I'm sorry.<br /><br />Until "Plentiful Container For Carrying Or Transporting Objects" said anything, I hadn't even noticed just how badly I'd neglected mentioning my favorite son Kirk Cameron on this blog. I'm sorry. I promise to be more aware of your needs in the future. Because if there's anything we all need, it's more Kirk Cameron.<br /><br />And here's how I'll do it - with a monthly "What Is Kirk Cameron Thinking - You Provide The Caption" post! I'll post a picture of my beloved son, and you tell me what you think he's thinking about me.<br /><br />Because he's <em>always</em> thinking <em>something</em> about me. That's why he's my favorite.<br /><br />So here's your first picture! What is Kirk Cameron thinking?<br /><br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5386999133456209874" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXzoYfQLxPtYjvpceiIKycwNsy0S1RY6E_0MS4QOmzfkigIhr9eNB0DD3kl4yXxJfuSIXawe6N6py1G_l_RzxR928k2RtMDndlVbq73NJjul1iteweYrTVwqoyjm4yNUravo-yGdlI7kqq/s320/KirkCameron_Grant_7895428.jpg" border="0" />Godhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587540822211389059.post-54152978613091366582009-09-29T08:29:00.003-06:002009-09-29T08:29:00.456-06:00Here We Go, Here We Go, Here We Go Again...We have a new batch of cherubs-in-training, and OMMe they're getting on my nerves. They're all just so <em>eager</em>. They're constantly asking me if they can do anything to help - "Can I run that memo over to Miracles for you, God?" "Need me to take an extra sparrow-watching shift this weekend, God?" "Hey, God, you have a piece of lint in your beard. Want me to pluck it out for you?"<br /><br />It's the same thing every time we get new C.I.T.s. I guess the job just appeals to a certain type, because I have yet to meet one that doesn't make me want to tear my beard out by the roots. Oh, and the squeaky voices! I do not remember, when composing the Laws of the Universe, writing anything saying that cherubs had to talk like a bunch of chipmunks hocked up in helium.<br /><br />There's one bright side, though: since I've been through this so many times before, I've developed a fool-proof system for getting them to leave me alone. I have used this same trick 452 times, and it has worked <em>literally every time</em>. Except for those times when it didn't work. But other than those, <em>every time</em>.<br /><br />Here's what I do: once all of my patience is used up, I just gather a few of them together and say, "Hey, will you guys get the rest of the C.I.T.s together and do me a big favor?" At which point they get so excited at the idea of being helpful and needed that they start giggling and shaking and I start worrying about my carpet.<br /><br />"Of course, God!" they exclaim. "What can we do?"<br /><br />"The Key to Happiness needs a good polishing," I say. "I don't think it's been polished in a while, so it'll probably take a little elbow grease. But be sure to take your time, because I want it done right. I want it to really sparkle."<br /><br />"Oh, thank you, God!" they cry. "We'll get right on it! Where is the Key to Happiness?"<br /><br />Then I laugh, my real big impressive now-THAT's-what-God's-laugh-must-sound-like laugh, and say, "Ha ha ha! Good one, guys! 'Where is the Key to Happiness?' That's the best joke I've heard all day! Now scoot!"<br /><br />Then all the C.I.T.s feel so stupid for not knowing where the Key to Happiness is that they're too afraid to ask me, or anybody else, for fear of getting ridiculed or disciplined. So for the next few weeks all the C.I.T.s are scouring all over Heaven, armed with rags and little jars of polish, searching for the Key to Happiness. Which not only gets them out of my way, but it's just so ridiculous! Trying to find the actual Key to Happiness. That's just silly.<br /><br />I keep the Key to Happiness close to me at all times so it doesn't get lost again. Right now it's in my top left desk drawer, next to my stash of Skittles.Godhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-587540822211389059.post-17972304014519617092009-09-28T08:20:00.001-06:002009-09-28T08:20:43.526-06:00Creation That Didn't Pan Out #513Sockpants.Godhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05143354517826865983noreply@blogger.com2