God's Blog

What Is Kirk Cameron Thinking?

2010-03-31T15:41:00.000-06:00

What Is Kirk Cameron Thinking?

2010-02-28T10:40:00.000-07:00

What Is Kirk Cameron Thinking?

2010-01-31T08:38:00.000-07:00

Guest Blogger: The Bandit Edition

2010-01-16T10:20:00.000-07:00

Bark!

What Is Kirk Cameron Thinking?

2009-12-31T15:37:00.001-07:00

Creation That Didn't Pan Out #1,544

2009-12-07T09:50:00.000-07:00

Pen fountains.

What Is Kirk Cameron Thinking?

2009-11-30T13:32:00.000-07:00

Creation That Didn't Pan Out #318

2009-11-26T12:47:00.001-07:00

Wafflebirds.

Happy Birthday, Universe!

2009-11-12T09:38:00.003-07:00

Wow, I can't believe the Universe is already 6,013 years old. I remember Creating it like it was yesterday.

I know, I know. You think I'm a few weeks late. Because once again you think you know me or how I operate better than I do. The Missus is always telling me that when I made people after my own image they inherited my arrogance. My mistake.

But despite what every rational, Me-fearing person on Earth believes, the Universe was not created on the night proceeding October 23, 4004 BC. It was actually around 2 pm on November 12, 4004 BC. James Ussher was close, but he failed to take into account how quickly Adam rushed through the whole naming-the-animals task. I mean, maybe if he had taken an extra couple of weeks Adam would have come up with something better than "aardvark."

Creation That Didn't Pan Out #22

2009-11-11T06:43:00.001-07:00

Heffalumps. Also, woozles.

The Play-It-Again Sams

2009-11-10T08:48:00.003-07:00

One of the greatest perks about Heaven is that, because there are SO MANY people up here, you can always find someone who's gung-ho about your latest great idea.

So I wasn't at all surprised at how many people responded to the flier I posted up at the rec center last week, asking for people to join a new club. We had almost forty people show up to our very first meeting, and I'm sure once word gets out it will grow like crazy. I mean, who wouldn't want to join the Play-It-Again Sams?

See, the idea is that we all get together and recreate, scene-by-scene, the greatest selections from the history of theater, television, and movies. Then we put video of our recreation up on HaLo (it's kind of like our version of YouTube). So it's called the Play-It-Again club, and everyone in it is a Sam.

I know. Take a moment to soak up my cleverness.

What we do is actually inspired by all of you guys down there on Earth. See, you guys are masters at not only recreating the same plays and movies and tv shows over and over again, but also of happily watching the same plays and movies and tv shows over and over again. I mean, as long as it was done before, no matter how terrible it was the first time, you're perfectly content to spend your Tuesday nights watching Melrose Place.

You amaze me.

Our first meeting was great. We decided to really start things off with a bang and tackle the first episode of season 3 of Mork & Mindy - you know, the one where Mork has decided to give up his Orkin ways and try to be more human because he ran out of cocaine? I think it went really well, except for when that guy Joe said this whole thing is stupid and why don't we all go outside instead and throw a ball around or something. He just doesn't get the spirit of the Play-It-Again Sams.

We already have almost 3 million hits on HaLo.

What Is Kirk Cameron Thinking?

2009-10-31T11:29:00.001-06:00

It's Snow Day!!!

2009-10-23T11:04:00.003-06:00

One of the things about Heaven is that it's perfect weather all the time. It's always 73° F (I will never understand why you guys on Earth are so happy with 72° - it's like being an eighth of a teaspoon short of the perfect amount of marinara sauce for the perfect meatball sub and eating it happily anyway), there are always just a few fluffy clouds in the sky, the sun is always warm but never too bright, and there's just a hint of a gentle breeze wafting by.

Ahhhhhh....

But there are certain Human traits that people retain when they come to Heaven. So, as it is their nature, people always complain about it being "too perfect."

Seriously, I know. But just wait, because you'll do it, too. It'll sneak up on you. You'll be enjoying a peaceful picnic in the Golden Fields and without even realizing it, the words, "It's too quiet" will escape your lips. And then you'll start looking around you and muttering how the all the gold is a little intensely gold, isn't it? And then later you'll be on one of the roller coasters and realize that it is precisely the right amount of thrilling.

The next thing you know you'll be in my office banging your fists on my desk, your face going through several lovely shades of red being settling on a nice mauve, screaming, "IS IT SO HARD TO TURN THE TEMPERATURE DOWN BY ONE LOUSY DEGREE?!"

Yes, you will. You think you won't, but you will.

So, throughout the year I like to remind everyone just how good they have it by having days of alternative weather. Rain Day is the third Thursday in March, Fog Day is always May 9, Heat Wave Day is the first Monday after the first Thursday after the first full moon in August. And today? Today is Snow Day.

Of course, it wouldn't be very effective if these were perfect versions of alternative weather. If Rain Day were just a pleasant drizzle instead of a re-creation of the Great Flood times about 16 thousand, then people wouldn't ever learn to appreciate the perfect weather the rest of the year. If people were still able to see the ends of their own noses on Fog Day, no one would say, "Okay, okay! I'm sorry, God! I'll never complain about the weather again!"

Snow Day is my favorite.

Strrrrrrrike!

2009-10-21T12:16:00.000-06:00

It's a popular urban legend that whenever thunder rolls, it's because I'm up here bowling. While the thunder thing is untrue, it is a fact that I love bowling. And, naturally, I'm really good. The last time I went I scored a 312.

I know that down on Earth the highest score you can get is 300, but up here you get bonus points every time you make one of the pins wince.

Creation That Didn't Pan Out #646

2009-10-20T08:20:00.000-06:00

Dragons.

Guest Blogger: The Pete Edition

2009-10-19T12:25:00.006-06:00

Sometimes I get busy. And as much as I love writing this blog, it's not exactly my top priority. It falls somewhere inbetween keeping the Earth from barreling headlong into the sun and cleaning out the lint trap in the dryer. When I have a lot of things on my plate, it tends to fall by the wayside.

So I've come up with a great solution! I'm going to let some of my friends (and Moses) serve as guest bloggers from time to time! First up: My best friend, Saint Peter.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand GO!

Why I Don't Blog
by Saint Peter

I used to have a blog. I updated it... oh, maybe a dozen times.

It got old.

I've never really been much for words. I'm more of a man of action.

I mean, I didn't exactly talk Malchus' ear off. You know?

You know.

Even when I wrote those epistles, I had to have somebody else put it all down for me while I gave them a rough idea of what I wanted it to say. They turned out alright.

God, on the other hand, is full of words.

Lots of big, loud, exaggerated words.

Which makes a blog the perfect thing for him. But not so much for me. Occasional guest-blogger is more than enough for me.

I can't even think of a good way to end this thing.

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving!

2009-10-12T08:17:00.003-06:00

As you know, I usually don't pay much attention to my Canadian children.

It's not that I love them any less, it's just.... well, they're boring. And they rarely get into trouble, so it's not like I have to keep my eye on them every waking second. Not that I don't occasionally appreciate that. It's kind of like I'm one of those moms with 195 children at the grocery store, and they're all off in a million directions. Italy is crawling on the floor trying to look up ladies' skirts, America is pelting passersby with pistachios out of the bulk bins, Japan is building a robot out of bananas and a jar of mayonnaise to try to get one of those giant bouncy balls out of the net thing, and Belgium keeps falling down as it tries to run past the end of its monkey-backpack-child-leash.

But Canada? Canada is holding on to the side of the cart with one hand and casually reading the nutrition label on a box of bran flakes.

I mean, it has its benefits, don't get me wrong. But it also means that I never get to ground Canada or send it to its room without dinner or tell it that it can yell and scream and cry all it wants to but there's no way I'm letting it leave the house in that outfit, which as you all know is the greatest part of being a parent.

The power.... ohhhhh, the power....

But as I'm sure you remember (and if you don't, you can refresh your memory by clicking here - just be sure to repent later for your forgetfullness), Bandit is Canadian. And this is his first Canadian Thanksgiving since he came to Heaven.

Almost everybody feels a little Earth-sick on the first big holiday they spend in Heaven. So the Missus and I decided to make an all-out Canadian Thanksgiving for Bandit to make him feel better. The Missus is cooking a delicious turkey with all the fixings, Bandit and I are going to watch the Calgary/Montreal game later (I promised not to tell him who wins ahead of time), and then we're going to play a little hockey after dinner.

By the way, the house smells SOOO GOOOD right now. I think the smell of all that Canadian Thanksgiving food is really taking him back. And later, when we sit down to this deliciously aromatic feast and say, "No, Bandit, this is people food. It's not for you. Eat your kibble," it'll really feel like home.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

2009-10-09T08:21:00.002-06:00

Thou shalt not useth the expression, "It's always in the last place you look," because once thou hast found the thing that thou wast searching for, thou dost not continue searching, so obviously it was in the last place that thou looked; so that if thou sought and did not find, and sought and did not find, and sought and found, thou wouldst not seek again, now would thee?

You Wouldn't Want To Miss This One!

2009-10-07T08:26:00.000-06:00

As you know, I like to take online personality quizzes when I'm bored. I just took one that told me what actor would play me if they made a movie about me. And it was so fun that I called Pete over at the Pearlies so he could take it, too. Then we had Satan and Moses try.

Let me tell you, this would be an awesome movie. In fact, Pete and I are going to start working on a screenplay tonight. We think it will be an action/comedy/drama. We'll have to take a bit of creative license, though, because truthfully there aren't a whole lot of things blowing up in slow motion in Heaven.

So, if you were going to see a movie about modern-day Heaven, this is what you would see:

My result:

Pete's result:

Satan's result:

Moses' result:

Creation That Didn't Pan Out #3,246

2009-10-06T10:22:00.002-06:00

Merpeople.

Little Known Fact

2009-10-05T16:39:00.002-06:00

Despite popular belief, Satan and I have never played a game of chess.

We rock at Pictionary, though.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

2009-10-02T09:29:00.000-06:00

Thou shalt not send a postcard to thy husband when thou art on thy business trip to Vancouver that sayeth, "Hi, honey! Vancouver is great, but I wish I weren't stuck in boring meetings all day so I could see a bit more of the city. I hope everything at home is okay. I'm running out of room but I just want you to know that I'm cheating on you with my personal assistant Byron" because as thou knowest, the name 'Byron' is stupid and thy husband would much rather thou cheated on him with someone with a real man's name.

My Most Sincere Apologies / New Feature!

2009-09-30T09:39:00.002-06:00

As one of my faithful blogsciples, who for some reason likes being called "Big Bags" or "Large Sacks", pointed out to me yesterday, I've been a bit remiss. I realize that some of you had some high expectations about my blog, and I've let you down. I'm sorry.

Until "Plentiful Container For Carrying Or Transporting Objects" said anything, I hadn't even noticed just how badly I'd neglected mentioning my favorite son Kirk Cameron on this blog. I'm sorry. I promise to be more aware of your needs in the future. Because if there's anything we all need, it's more Kirk Cameron.

And here's how I'll do it - with a monthly "What Is Kirk Cameron Thinking - You Provide The Caption" post! I'll post a picture of my beloved son, and you tell me what you think he's thinking about me.

Because he's always thinking something about me. That's why he's my favorite.

So here's your first picture! What is Kirk Cameron thinking?

Here We Go, Here We Go, Here We Go Again...

2009-09-29T08:29:00.003-06:00

We have a new batch of cherubs-in-training, and OMMe they're getting on my nerves. They're all just so eager. They're constantly asking me if they can do anything to help - "Can I run that memo over to Miracles for you, God?" "Need me to take an extra sparrow-watching shift this weekend, God?" "Hey, God, you have a piece of lint in your beard. Want me to pluck it out for you?"

It's the same thing every time we get new C.I.T.s. I guess the job just appeals to a certain type, because I have yet to meet one that doesn't make me want to tear my beard out by the roots. Oh, and the squeaky voices! I do not remember, when composing the Laws of the Universe, writing anything saying that cherubs had to talk like a bunch of chipmunks hocked up in helium.

There's one bright side, though: since I've been through this so many times before, I've developed a fool-proof system for getting them to leave me alone. I have used this same trick 452 times, and it has worked literally every time. Except for those times when it didn't work. But other than those, every time.

Here's what I do: once all of my patience is used up, I just gather a few of them together and say, "Hey, will you guys get the rest of the C.I.T.s together and do me a big favor?" At which point they get so excited at the idea of being helpful and needed that they start giggling and shaking and I start worrying about my carpet.

"Of course, God!" they exclaim. "What can we do?"

"The Key to Happiness needs a good polishing," I say. "I don't think it's been polished in a while, so it'll probably take a little elbow grease. But be sure to take your time, because I want it done right. I want it to really sparkle."

"Oh, thank you, God!" they cry. "We'll get right on it! Where is the Key to Happiness?"

Then I laugh, my real big impressive now-THAT's-what-God's-laugh-must-sound-like laugh, and say, "Ha ha ha! Good one, guys! 'Where is the Key to Happiness?' That's the best joke I've heard all day! Now scoot!"

Then all the C.I.T.s feel so stupid for not knowing where the Key to Happiness is that they're too afraid to ask me, or anybody else, for fear of getting ridiculed or disciplined. So for the next few weeks all the C.I.T.s are scouring all over Heaven, armed with rags and little jars of polish, searching for the Key to Happiness. Which not only gets them out of my way, but it's just so ridiculous! Trying to find the actual Key to Happiness. That's just silly.

I keep the Key to Happiness close to me at all times so it doesn't get lost again. Right now it's in my top left desk drawer, next to my stash of Skittles.

Creation That Didn't Pan Out #513

2009-09-28T08:20:00.001-06:00

Sockpants.

WINNER!

2009-09-19T12:06:00.002-06:00

Voting for the God's Blog Ultimate Audience Participation Awesome Essay Contest Spectacular is now closed, and we have a winner!

But first, I have a major dilemma. I forgot to forget mine and the Missus' anniversary, so now she knows that I'm not actually forgetful. Which means from now on I have to mention every anniversary and birthday ON THE RIGHT DAY.

This sucks. I'm no good at doing sweet or romantic or brownie-point-earning things when I'm actually supposed to, but I'm really good at doing something spectacularly over-the-top as an apology a few days later. I mean, extraordinarily good. I'm a big gesture kind of guy, but a big gesture on our actual anniversary is just so cliche and lame.

Blast.

Anywho, I guess I can push aside my bitterness and announce the winner of the Essay Spectacular.

The winner is...

ESSAY #2!!! Written by Kathy!!!

Congratulations! To claim your prize from the Great Cosmic Grab Bag, leave a comment with a number between 1 and 237.

In second place: Essay #5 by Justin!

In third place: Essay #1 by Valerie!

And, in "Thanks for Trying" place: Essay # 3 by Kenna and #4 by Nick!

Thanks to everybody who entered and voted. Now go worship me.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

2009-09-11T14:48:00.003-06:00

Thou shalt not forget to vote for your favorite essay in the God's Blog Ultimate Audience Participation Awesome Essay Contest Spectacular!

Hahaha! See what I did there? See?

God's Blog Ultimate Audience Participation Awesome Essay Contest Spectacular FINALISTS!

2009-09-10T10:45:00.005-06:00

Thanks to all who participated in the God's Blog Ultimate Audience Participation Awesome Essay Contest Spectacular!

Now it's time to vote for the winner! Below are the top five essays as selected by Pete and me. I've taken off the names for now, but after voting closes I will give credit where credit is due.

Voting Guidelines:

Please vote for your favorite essay(s) in the comments section. Just leave a comment saying the number of the essay you'd like to vote for.
Each individual may only vote for each entry once, but you may vote for multiple entries.
No votes left by anonymous commenters will be counted. If you do not have a Blogger or Google account, please just select the "Name/URL" option that allows you to write in a name.
If you still want to vote but don't want everyone to see what you're voting for, you may email me your vote at godhasablog (at) gmail (dot) com. But please leave a comment that says that you sent your vote in that way.
If your essay has been selected, please feel free to email all your friends and invite them to vote for you. Otherwise, everyone will know that you don't have any friends. And that will just make us feel sad for you. And sad feelings totally defeat the purpose of the God's Blog Ultimate Audience Participation Awesome Essay Contest Spectacular!
Voting will run until next Friday, September 18. The grand-prize winner will be announced on Saturday the 19.

In no particular order, here are the top 5 entries!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ESSAY #1

God is awesome because He has an awesome beard that I suspect could cure world hunger. How many "lost" skittles could one awesome beard hold??? Enough to feed a nation, I think. I bet that's where all "last year's" Easter candy under the couch comes from. Fluffing clouds probably shakes that awesome beard up and wouldn't you know, out drops a chocolate Easter bunny... under the couch it goes. He's all knowing and knows when one might be in desperate need of a little chocolate.

God also created brooms. I know, I know, brooms??? They make housework so much more easier and fun. A sponge just doesn't have the same effect when you sing into it and have you ever tried to dance with a sponge??? Yeah sure a feather duster is almost as good, but it gets too close to your nose, then you suck up all kinds of dust that falls out and have to end up sweeping anyway. I wonder if He got the idea from his awesome beard??.. it sweeps things up too. hmmmm??

For me, though, I think the ultimate reason God is awesome is because of pedicures and open toed sandals. Nothing makes a girl feel better than to look down (whether in shame, humility, or because you dropped something) and see a perfect Hot Pink pedicure staring right back at you. I know open toed sandals have been around quite a while, but the added benefit of brightly painted, wiggly little piggies just makes sandals all that much better. Amen!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ESSAY #2

Rich Mullins was awesome, and he said God was awesome. He even wrote a song about how our God is an Awesome God. Even though I heard that Rich wrote that song when he was pissed off while sitting in traffic. How's he doing, anyway?

God is awesome because even though he allows big fat liars to become millionaires by blaspheming His word and claiming to heal people in His name, he made sure that they would be born with a defective gene that causes them to have bad hair and tacky suits, and then He curses them with wives that look like Mary Kay Ash.

God is awesome because even though most of us never have everything we want, He will always provide us with everything we need. Because all we really need is Him.

The End

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ESSAY #3

Now, I'm not gonna lie, I haven't always been a fan of God let alone ever had the thought that He is, 'awesome.' In fact, I have oft times referred to Him as a,' punk on a power trip.' "Look at me, I can make lightening bolts and control tornadoes." He sounds more arrogant than awesome to me.

But, and there is a but, I have changed my ways.

I'm sure you're all thinking, 'It's the beard. The beard totally changed her mind.' Wrong. I hate beards. Facial hair is not my thing, so I assure you it has nothing to do with His long, probably needs to be combed because there could be birds nesting in there, beard. Maybe you think it's His wit that astounds me. Wrong again. I'm just as funny as God is, which is not saying much. Sure, He has His moments, but c'mon folks. He's hardly the funniest Being around. I mean, have you read Satan's blog? Albeit he never posts I'd dare say he could give God a run for his money.

You see, my conversion to believe God is awesome came about gradually over the last couple years. I've seen my share of tragedy people, and I have also blamed God for 99% of said tragedy. You see, if He is so powerful then he certainly could have seen that whole 'brain tumor' issue coming for me...and stopped it...you know, because brain surgery really wasn't on my do to list and it's a huge pain in the ass. Like, no, seriously, it was not only a pain in my ass but a huge pain in my head. (Naturally)

When I went into surgery, I was told I had a 50/50 chance of life/death. I'm not gambler people. I always lose so of course those just weren't good enough odds for me. I figured I had better start praying STAT. (STAT means NOW)

Needless to say, I woke up after 5 hours of surgery alive.

That, my friends, is why God is awesome.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ESSAY #4

Moses
Sucks
God
Rocks
In the words of the kool-aid man "Oh yeah"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ESSAY #5

What makes you awesome…well the natural inclination would be to name all of the cool things that you’ve done, but you’ve heard that before. “Thanks for the rain!” “Thanks for curing my herpes!” “Thanks for smiting my neighbor’s house with a bad foundation that had to be re-poured. The contractor sucked and they had to stay at a sleazy motel for 4 weeks!”

Again, you’ve heard that all before. So I’m going to discuss your awesomeness in the things that you haven’t done…the things that you’ve just let happen because you in all of your omnipotent power knew that sometimes the *stuff’s got to hit the fan.

1- You could have intervened with Hanson. You could have stopped them from forming. You could have stopped the sales of so many MMM Bopping albums that drove the sane world crazy and the crazy world into a frenzy. You could have eliminated my worst moment in life: That time that I found out that my crush on the Hanson sister turned out to be a misdirected crush on a dude that TOTALLY looked like a chick. I lay in the fetal position for a week weeping, but you didn’t shelter me from the pain! You let that happen, and I’m grateful.

2- Also, you totally could have stepped in and stopped WWII in the prelims. But let’s face it, with no WWII we’d have no: Band of Brothers, Flags of our Fathers, Letters from Iwo Jima, Kelley’s Heroes, A Bridge Too Far, Schindler’s List, Saving Private Ryan, Inglorious Basterds, The Memphis Belle, and countless other GREAT war movies. Likely, with no WWII there would have been no Cold war and hence we’d never have seen “The Hunt For the Red October” either. Thank you so much for letting humanity run its course on this one. Indiana Jones was only cool when he fought the Nazis, and they were a lot better than those “pull your heart out Indian” guys. The cinema appreciates it.

3- Finally, when you flooded the world and you could have destroyed Mosquitoes, you didn’t. I shutter at the idea of living in a world without my blood sucking buzzing friends. If it’s ok with you I invented a word to describe the sound a mosquito makes. Instead of a “buzz” it’s actually a “zizz.” It’s that sound that they make right when they fly into your ear and you smack your hand against the side of your head, spilling the warm A&W root beer that you just poured while sitting around the campfire. My sticky sweater that I brought to sleep in is now a reminder of your goodness and AWESOMENESS. Without mosquitoes my trip to Yellowstone would be all too relaxing, which is dangerous. Thanks for keeping me on my toes whilst in nature. To become too relaxed is to leave oneself open to attacks from bears, wolves, and Sasquatch.

In conclusion: you are awesome because you keep me on my toes, fearing a world full of creepy beasts that devour people, government organizations that steal my money, and bands of “I can’t really tell” gendered people. Keep up the good work. Rock on.

*I would never use the actual term here in your presence.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

2009-09-04T14:55:00.002-06:00

Thou shalt not offer to cut thy roommate's hair and sayeth to them that it shall be fine because thou hast done it loads of times before and thou totally knowest what thou is doing, but thou really hast only cut the hair off of thy sister's Barbie's when thou was little except for when thou decided to go all the way and just cut off the entire head.

Creation That Didn't Pan Out #167

2009-09-03T10:19:00.001-06:00

The jackalope.

God's Blog: The Place Where You May Or May Not Matter

2009-09-02T08:56:00.006-06:00

As you know, I like to occasionally visit the Twitter. And if you also are on the Twitter, you know that there are approximately 637 billion "internet marketing gurus" on the Twitter who are more than happy to tell you how to use your website to make fake friends.

Usually I just ignore these guys, or send them a little computer virus if they really start to get on my nerves. But there's one thing that they all say which makes sense to me: if you really want people to visit your website, you have to disillusion them into believing that you give a hoot about what they think.

Well, that seems easy enough.

In the spirit of pretending to care, I'm going to hold a contest on this blog. An essay contest, to be exact. I want all of you to write an essay about what makes me awesome. Also, I will accept essays about why Moses sucks. Sound like fun? It gets even better! There will be prizes!

The winner will get to choose their prize from a grab bag that includes things like:

Eternal happiness!
The power to fly!
A Certificate of Achievement!
The key to unlocking cold fusion!
A slice of lemon meringue pie!
Respect!
A compilation CD of my Greatest Stand-Up Songwriting Comedy Hits!
The satisfaction of a job well-done!
A previously-owned car!

Doesn't that sound like something you'd really like to participate in? Also, doesn't it sound like something you want to tell all your friends and family about so that they can also participate and when you beat them you can rub it in their faces? Okay, so here are the rules of the contest.

All entries must be submitted to my email (godhasablog [at] gmail [dot] com) with the subject line "God's Blog Ultimate Audience Participation Awesome Essay Contest Spectacular!"
All entries must be between one and one million words in length.
All entries must be entered by midnight on September 9 (one week from today).
I will choose the top 5 entries and post them on the blog next week. Then the final winner will be chosen by popular vote by readers of this blog.
EVERY participant will get a prize for participating!
Superfluous bold text is encouraged!

Okay, so everybody send in your entries! Remember, your essay should either be about why I'm awesome or why Moses sucks. And even though I already know who's going to win, I promise to not let that affect my decision when choosing the top 5.

I'm Very Right-Brained. Because I'm Always Right.

2009-08-28T09:16:00.006-06:00

One of my *ahem* loyal *cough* disciples sent me this email the other day.

God -

Hey what's up? Thanks for that favor the other night. You know what I mean. I was just wondering why you don't blog so much anymore? I know you're busy keeping everything alive & running heaven & hangingout with St. Pete. But you used to blog every day. And when are you going to finish the Bible 2 on twitter? Are you going to fix your new website? I mean it'd be one thing if you weren't blogging because you were fixing world hunger or aids or soemthing, but it seems like you're just being lazy. Please don't send me to hell! I just miss your blog. I need more of your word so I can go to heaven and we can play a nice game of badminton together someday.

Oh and I'm planning on doing a little sinning this weekend. Hope that's ok.

I only have one thing to say about this email: Hmmmpf.

Wait, hold on. I just thought of a bunch of other things to say.

I've never been that great on follow-through. The Missus says I'm too easily distracted. I'll be in the middle of a project and suddenly get a great idea for a new project, and forget to finish the first. Of course, when I'm working on the second one I'll get a brilliant flash of inspiration for a third, and so on and so on. It drives her nuts, because she's incredibly ~~anal~~ organized.

Pete says the Missus and I are so different that way because I'm right-brained. That made me laugh. I couldn't wait to go home and tell her that Pete says she's wrong-brained, but then he said it was something about the brain hemispheres and cortex and all this stuff I vaguely remember coming up with from back when I created Life so many thousands of years ago.

But Pete's right. I'm very creative. In fact, I'm Creative. I'm the ultimate Creative being. So because I spend so much time and energy Creating things, I don't have a lot of time and energy to sit around and make sure those things I created are working efficiently. I mean, just look at your digestive system. Those things are nothing like I originally imagined. I was going to Create something sooo much better, but then I had this crazy idea to give you all wings and dropped your intestines to work on that instead. Which, by the way, ended up not panning out, anyway.

Look, I know you guys really need this blog. Trust me. I know how much you need it more than you know you need it. So I'm going to try really hard to focus on updating it more often. And I already asked Pete to help me work out the problems with the other website. And.... what was the other thing?... Oh, yeah. The sequel to the Bible. Um..... I'm not making any promises on that one.

I'd better tell Satan to brush up on his badminton game. The guy who sent that email is going to need somebody to play against when he gets Down Under.

Sometimes I Wish I Didn't Know What Was Going On

2009-08-26T08:58:00.002-06:00

It's true. Ignorance really is bliss. Sometimes being omniscient is very much not fun.

You know something is really bad when you ask about it and the answer you get is, "You don't want to know." Trust people when they say this. You don't want to know. Even - no, especially - when they're really just saying "you don't want to know" to try and goad you into begging for answers.

You guys have no idea how good you have it. And that's the way it should be. There are several different ways to truly be happy, but one of the most effective is if you continue not knowing that what you don't know saves you from knowing things you don't want to know. You know?

I'm Sorry You Feel That Way

2009-08-20T12:04:00.003-06:00

Today sucks.

First, I slept in. Luckily I was able to miracle Time so that I still got to work on time, but it threw me off for the rest of the day.

Second, there's a big debate going on in Heaven right now and my two best friends are on opposite sides of it. It seems some people think the rule about pets and animals having their own Heavens needs to be changed, and that we should all get to live in the same Heaven. Pete's on the side that says the rule is there for a reason and shouldn't change, but Bandit thinks everyone should get to live together. I understand where they both are coming from, but when it all comes down to it I'm going to have to side with one of them. And that's just not cool.

Third, a lot of people are using the Animal Heavens debate to bring up the cat issue. Which means that a lot of people are getting mad at me for telling the truth about cats. Which is that they're vile. And even though I tell these people that it's okay if they like cats, and that I won't keep them out of Heaven for it, they still seem to think it's important that I like cats, too.

Okay, look. I understand how you get angry when you feel like I'm not on your side about something. But it's impossible for me to please everybody all the time. That's one of the hardest things about my job - having to do what's right even when it means people get mad at me. So while I know some of you are still going to get mad at me over the whole cat thing, and that some of you will be mad over whatever we end up deciding about the Animal Heavens, just know that I'm doing the best I can. Try not to be so vicious, mmkay?

So it feels like the whole Universe is fighting right now. Things are getting very tense. Let's all find something we can unite in. Post your suggestions for your favorite Universal Truth That Everyone Can Agree To.

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

2009-08-18T11:53:00.005-06:00

Yesterday I thought it would be a fun treat for Bandit if I took him for a visit to Dog Heaven. It's been a while since he's been properly sniffed.

Like always, there were a lot of people in Dog Heaven, visiting their old beloved pets. After a while, Bandit had had his full of fun and we decided to leave. As we were walking past the Pearly Fire Hydrant, we saw a couple of people trying to sneak their dogs back into Regular Heaven!

Well, that just won't do. There are rules about that. So I stopped them and confronted them about it. They mumbled something about how it was unfair that I got to keep Bandit in Heaven but I wouldn't let them keep Mr. Fluffikins. I explained to them that there's a perfectly good reason for it, and that reason is that Bandit is awesome and Mr. Fluffikins is not.

Today when I got to work I had 16,427 emails from people asking me to consider changing the Pet Heavens policy. Apparently the people I stopped yesterday had spread the word and started up petitions. I've been absolutely flooded with requests to reconsider, or to at least put it to a vote to see what everybody else wants. So now I have a big decision to make.

I tend to get kind of anxious about change. The last time I changed one of the laws in Heaven was nearly two hundred years ago, when I made it officially illegal to wear socks with sandals.

Maybe It's Time To Lower Your Expectations

2009-08-12T12:20:00.003-06:00

I always feel a little bit bad for the people who come up here expecting to see the friends and family that came before them waiting at the gates. I mean, in the entire History of Time, I've only seen that happen twice. And both times it was really weird and awkward.

It's the whole "eternity" concept. Even though your family and friends haven't seen you in a while, and they know you're coming, there's no real rush. They're going to have FOREVER to catch up with you. Usually it's at least a few days, and sometimes a few decades, before they get around to welcoming you to Heaven. Really, though, it's nothing to feel sad about. Once you're up here for a couple of days and you haven't seen a single familiar face and you're starting to worry that they're all Down Under, you'll start to get it.

I Am So Smart... S-M-R-T!

2009-08-10T11:48:00.002-06:00

Let me make this perfectly clear: you guys are pretty dumb.

I, however, am not.

There are so many of you out there who are convinced I don't exist just because you think there are too many 'contradictions' about Me. I get emails every day from people telling me that I'm not real. To those of you I say, "If I didn't exist, why would I have such an awesome beard?" Riddle me that.

Let me tell you a little something-something about these so-called 'contradictions.' 99.9% of the stuff you guys think you know about Me is stuff that other people said, whether in churches or in books or after a few shots of tequila. And, since people are dumb, than most of the stuff they say is dumb. People are always saying that I think this or feel that, or say this or am that. And while most of you are well-intentioned, you're also often wrong.

I mean, let's look at the Bible. Yes, it's a Good Book. But those of you who think it's 100,000% "My Word" have got another think coming. I didn't write it - people wrote down what I said to them. And while a lot of them got it right, some of them.... well, have you ever played Telephone? On a cosmic scale? And, at least one of them just kind of tweaked it here and there to make themselves look better in history.

Oh, yes, and then to that you say, "But God, didn't you direct them to only put what you wanted in the Bible?" To which I answer, "Yes. But you should know from personal experience that people don't always do exactly what I ask them to do." And then you ask, "But if you're God, couldn't you just make them only put what you wanted in the Bible?" To which I answer, "Yes. But if I just made everybody do what I want all the time, what would be the point of having a Bible? What would be the point of life at all?"

So let me give it to you, straight from the horse's mouth: Don't worry about it so much. I am so much more awesome than your puny human brains are able to comprehend. Just be as good as you can and when you get to Heaven you'll get most of the answers you want. But even then it's only most of the answers. You'll never get my super secret shortbread cookie recipe.

Mmmmmm.... secrets.....

You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Angry

2009-08-04T15:57:00.003-06:00

It takes a lot to make me angry. I know that the OT sometimes seems to be full of references to my wrath, but just remember who wrote the first five books.* Really, I'm pretty even-tempered. I mean, sometimes you guys do things that should make me so mad I'd just destroy the whole world. And by 'sometimes' I mean ALL THE TIME.

But I don't.

The truth is, though, I'm so mellow that people up here often forget just how powerful my anger can be. So when days like yesterday happen, and my temper flares up, it totally freaks people out.

I feel a little guilty about it. I really shouldn't have let it get to me, but I think it was a combination of a lot of things all sort of piled up on each other, and then this one big thing happened and even though I knew it was going to it was just so stupid and pointless and frustrating, that I kind of.... blew up Portugal.

Don't worry, I put it back before anybody noticed. Well, except for that one guy, but nobody'll believe him, anyway.

*Stupid Moses.

It's Not My Fault You're So Boring

2009-07-29T10:33:00.003-06:00

A couple of weeks ago, Moses had everybody in the office come to a meeting he'd thrown together about "Office Appropriate Behavior."

OMMe, it was sooooo boring. After about 17 seconds of listening to him ramble on about something or other, my mind started wandering. For a while I thought about how much better office meetings would be if they were more like The Office. So I tried to imagine it was Ricky Gervais up front droning about how harmful gossip can be, which made me think about Stephen Marchant and that funny little cameo he had in 'Run Fatboy Run', and I wonder why they took a taxi to get to the race in that movie because it would have been so much faster to take the tube?, and isn't it funny how they call it a tube in London and a metro in Paris and a subway in New York?, and 'subway' makes me think of sandwiches, but sub sandwiches are named after submarines and not underground trains. Submarines are awesome. You know what else is awesome? Ultimate Frisbee. That game last night was so much fun. I think my favorite part was when -

*CLUNK*

That was the moment when I nodded off to sleep and my head hit the conference room table. Moses used it as an example of disrespectful behavior, to which I said, "Shut up, Moses."

Okay, Listen.

2009-07-23T08:52:00.004-06:00

Ever since the God Pod Preview, I've been getting emails along the lines of, "Dude, what's with your voice?" or "Why do you sound like a robot?"

Firstly, that's hurtful and unnecessary.

Secondly, obviously my voice has been altered for the God Pod. I do not really sound like that. I DO NOT REALLY SOUND LIKE THAT. It was a necessary evil. See, if I put my real voice out on the interweb, anybody could hear it. And if you hear the voice of Me when you're not worthy... well, to be frank, bad stuff happens.

It's kind of like... remember in 'Raiders of the Lost Ark', at the end, when they're tied to the pole and Indy's all, "Close your eyes! Don't look at it! Don't look at it!" and then the Nazi's face turns to clay and melts off?

Well, that's pretty much what would happen to you. Only to your soul. Your soul would metaphorically turn to Nazi clay and melt off. And that just makes a great big sticky mess. So, because I hate cleaning up after myself (just ask the Missus), I got one of those voice-altering microphones to use for the God Pod. You're welcome.

Now stop making fun of my robot voice. Even though it does sound awesomely ridiculous. After hearing it the first time, Pete wanted to alter his voice, too, but I told him no.

The God Pod, Episode 1...ish

2009-07-22T22:17:00.001-06:00

I Done Good

2009-07-22T12:49:00.002-06:00

This week was the anniversary of the moon landing. I have to say, seeing Neil and Buzz bounce around on the lunar surface was one of my proudest moments as God. What a testament to this amazing creation of mine called Man.

I can't wait until you guys decide to go back to the moon. Mostly because I can't wait for the astronauts to see what I did to the commemorative plaque. ZING!

I'm Going To Get Him Back SOOO HARD.

2009-07-20T12:25:00.002-06:00

Nobody understands omniscience. Everyone thinks that because I know everything, I know everything. That's not entirely true.

Technically, everything that has, will, or would have ever happened is filed away somewhere in my mind. But, much like you guys, I don't keep everything I know on instant-recall.

It's like if someone asked you to give the dates of specific events in the French Revolution, or to name all the US states in alphabetical order, or to recite the first 10 digits of pi. Provided you didn't blow off school to go eat pizza bagels at your friend Beauford's house on the days your teachers went over those tidbits, you know them all. They're somewhere in your brain.

It's the same with everything you've ever learned - every conversation you've ever heard, every street sign you've ever read, every burrito you've ever tasted. But there's simply not enough space in your instant-recall folder to keep all of this information. And, depending on how organized you keep your mental file cabinets, it could take a lot of time and effort to pull it out. In some cases the information might be buried so deeply that it's nearly impossible to get to it at all.

My mind works the same way as yours, just on a much larger scale. My instant-recall folder is about 16.7 uberjillion times bigger than yours, but it's still much too small to hold on to EVERYTHING I know. This is what makes it possible for me to temporarily forget things, even though deep down I still know them.

People that know me well, that spend a lot of time with me, know the kind of information that gets placed in the instant-recall folder and what kind gets buried somewhere way in the back of my mind in the dark corner next to the broken coffee machine. And, unfortunately, Moses is one of those people who knows me well.

He got tired of all the pranks Pete and I play on him, so he decided to play one on me. A big one. Because he knows that I'm not the most technologically savvy (meaning, I'm not a nerd like him), Moses decided to exact his revenge by sabotaging my blog.

How.

Dare.

He.

!!!

He somehow hacked into my web host and messed around with my settings so I can't update my new website, www.godhasablog.com. And because all the technical knowledge is buried in the back of my mind, I haven't been able to fix it yet. But now I finally figured out how to get back onto this blog, so I guess I'll update here for a while until I find the other knowledge.

I have to admit, though, I haven't been looking too hard for it. Instead, I've been investing the majority of my time searching for the most absolutely perfect way I can get back at Moses.

Bigger And Better Things

2009-07-02T13:25:00.003-06:00

Check it out, guys. I've spent the last few days putting together something I think you'll like - a brand new home for my blog. I've never made a website before, so it was a little time-consuming. In fact, I've had to put pretty much everything else off while I was working on it, which makes me feel just a little bit bad.

You can still read my blog archives here, but be sure to change your bookmarks to the (much easier to remember) new website:

www.godhasablog.com

Phew! Now that that project's done, I can finally take some time to do the important things, like go play frisbee with Bandit.

UPDATE:

I know. I know. I'm working on it. I'm having a few problems with my publishing software, but as soon as the kinks get worked out the new website will be AWESOME. I promise.

I Love Technology.... Sometimes

2009-06-29T20:50:00.003-06:00

Now, I admit that I'm not very technologically savvy. A lot of you wonder how it is I don't understand certain things about the interweb or the Google or the abacus, since I technically know everything.

Well, the truth is, knowing everything is exhausting. And, really, about 99.9672% of the stuff I know is not important enough to keep on auto-recall status, so I store it away in my mind and have to find it when necessary.

Things pertaining to technology are definitely stored in the "things I don't really need to know right now" vault. I mean, it all changes SO FAST that it's impossible to remember what's applicable when, so I choose to not remember how certain computery thingamajiggies and whozamawhatsits work because it makes my brain tired. But there are certain highly technical things at which I'm quite adept.

For example: MarioKart. I am awesome at MarioKart. Now that's my kind of technology.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

2009-06-26T09:29:00.002-06:00

Thou shalt not useth thy knees to steer thy jacked-up Ford F-250 whilst straddling two lanes on the freeway at 37 miles per hour just so that thou might have thy hands free to eat a bowl of leftover chili from last night's potluck dinner at thy neighbor Beau's house.

I Really Needed That

2009-06-25T14:13:00.003-06:00

So, I finally did it. I've been saying for months how how I was going to do it, and yesterday I did. I couldn't be happier about it. I really think it was the best decision I've made in a long time.

I took a day off.

In the middle of the week.

I just miracled myself a nice long stretch of isolated beach, complete with a striped beach umbrella and a fruity drink, laid back in the nice warm sand and listened to Huey Lewis & The News' Greatest Hits on loop.

And the Universe didn't collapse in on itself or ANYTHING. Well, okay, there were a couple of little minor things that happened, but really I'm pretty pleased with how it all turned out. It's silly of me, I know, to worry about what will happen if I take a day off. I mean, I've created a well-oiled machine around here. Why, I took off most of the 16th Century; things are a bit more complicated now, so I probably couldn't disappear for decades at a time like I did then, but I bet everything would keep working for at least a couple of months. I'm just a bit of a control freak, so it's hard for me to admit that the Universe doesn't need me every second of every day.

Plus, I obviously know nothing will happen. But there's still that tiny part of me that wonders, "What if?"

But having a day off was a great way to recharge my batteries, destress a little bit. I'm really glad I did it. But now I'm back to workin' for a livin', livin' and a-workin'. I'm takin' what they're givin' 'cause I'm workin' for a livin'!

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

2009-06-23T11:30:00.000-06:00

... going by the name Chaz.

At Least It's A Tradition

2009-06-22T15:33:00.002-06:00

Every year, Jesus and I have a bit of a row on Father's Day. Yesterday was no exception. He never gets me a Father's Day present, because (as he puts it) I'm God so I can miracle myself anything I want anytime I want it, and I'd know what he was going to give me anyway and that takes all the fun out of it.

I always rebut by explaining to him that those are moot points, because the real purpose of Father's Day is not because dads want stuff, it's because they want some indication that their children appreciate everything they do for them.

Then he says that I know everything, so I already know how much he appreciates me, and I say that even though I know it, it's still nice to hear it every once in a while. Then he says "I appreciate you," and I say "You couldn't have told me that with slippers?" And he says I'm contradicting myself, rolls his eyes, and walks away.

We go through this every single year. But it's okay, because I know that 84 years from now he's going to relent and give me a beard maintenance kit for Father's Day, and when he does I'll whip out the identical one that I'd miracled myself the day before and say "I wanted slippers."

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

2009-06-19T08:42:00.000-06:00

Thou shalt read Satan's Blog, for he hath renewed his commitment to update it as his therapist thought it would be a good emotional outlet for him.

Click Here

Coming Soon....

2009-06-18T21:09:00.004-06:00

Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?

2009-06-18T09:43:00.003-06:00

I am sooo behind on answering prayers. It's actually one of my favorite parts of the job, but it's so time-consuming that I tend to put it off and put it off and put it off while I do other small projects until my inbox is absolutely overflowing.

Luckily, seeing as how I'm Me, I can answer prayers retroactively. Just because I didn't get your prayer about helping your sick sister get better until today doesn't mean that I didn't answer it last week.

It's a good thing my answers aren't subject to the constraints of time. I don't remember the last time I was caught up enough to answer prayers as they came in. I mean, I could easily keep up with all of it, but I don't really want to. Mostly this is because I like to keep just enough stuff piled in my inbox so that when Moses comes in wanting to 'chat' I can just cast a meaningful "I'm really busy" kind of glance at the big pile waiting for me and he won't stay as long.

Don't Be Sore Losers

2009-06-17T10:03:00.004-06:00

Pete, Gabriel and I play in Heaven's 3-on-3 basketball league. We got to pick our own team name, so obviously we're called The Best Team in the League. True, it's a long name, and it was a little hard to fit when we were writing it on our league t-shirts with sharpies, but at least it's accurate.

Plus, it's just really cool when you're just out getting some pizza with your boys and you overhear someone at the next table talking about how their team is going up against The Best Team in the League.

Yesterday we played The Turkeys: Benjamin Franklin, Henry IV, and a really sweet guy named Carl. WE KILLED THEM. Final score: 217 - 6. But while Pete, Gabe and I were doing our victory dance, Ben and Hank started grumbling about how "games against God's team shouldn't count in the bracket" and nonsense like that. They don't think it's "fair" for me to "play basketball" because "I control the Universe."

Pfft. Please. There's no need to be such a sourpuss about it. I mean, just because I'm God and I have Godly Powers and never miss a shot doesn't mean I shouldn't be allowed to play just like anybody else. I just have certain natural abilities. Nobody ever called Michael Jordan a cheater just because he's so good.

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

2009-06-16T09:43:00.001-06:00

... eating a Hot Pocket.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

2009-06-12T10:56:00.002-06:00

Thou shalt not bringeth thy small children with thee to an obviously non-kid-friendly show at the movie theater simply because thou didst not wish to hire a babysitter (which makes no sense, anyway, since thou art paying just as much for thy children's tickets as thou would pay for the 12-year-old that lives down the street to keep them alive for a few hours), and then allow thy children to run amock in the theater, and not keepest them in their seats but ignoreth them as they run up and down the stairs and tosseth their booster seats about the aisles and OMMe if those were my children I'd beat them with the bloody stumps of their arms.

I Want My MTV!

2009-06-11T08:24:00.006-06:00

I've come up with a great idea. Seriously. Probably the best idea I've had since gravity (you don't even want to KNOW what a mess things were before that).

You know how I've been working on my songwriting? Well, I'm going to make a music video. See, there's this thing I found called the You Tube, where anybody who wants to can make a video and put it on the interweb for other people to see. Pete says there's even a way I can put a video right here on this blog, but he's been known to exaggerate.

So now all I have to do is shoot the video and have Pete show me how to put it on the You Tube. Oh, and I have to finish writing a song. See, I have a kind of a pattern when it comes to my music. I've never written a whole, complete song.

I don't know if it's because I'm just afraid of how awesome they will be or what, but I always get stuck partway through the songwriting process. It gets to a point where I just don't know how to finish it. Usually it's right after I come up with the title. Then I'm completely stumped.

Clarification

2009-06-10T14:32:00.002-06:00

Some of you are still missing the point of the Forgivable Sin of the Day, so let me reiterate.

It's a one-day deal, kids. One day and one day only. For 24 hours from the time I post the Forgivable Sin of the Day, you are free to participate in said sin without fear of consequences. It doesn't mean I'll forgive past offenses, and it doesn't mean that it's no longer a sin in the future.

It's like a one-day sale. Just like the Victoria's Secret Semi-Annual Sale would be if it were just for one day instead of for two weeks. Yeah. Just like that.

By the way, thinking about the Victoria's Secret Semi-Annual Sale when the Victoria's Secret Semi-Annual Sale is not presently running is totally a forgivable sin year-round. But it's the only one.

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

2009-06-09T12:21:00.003-06:00

... turning your eyelids inside out just because you're bored.

New Creation

2009-06-08T14:20:00.002-06:00

I feel like making something new today. I like to do that every now and then, and hide the new creatures deep in jungles so the scientists get all excited. But I can't decide what I want to make today. Which do you think would be cooler, a plant with eyes or a bird with frog legs?

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

2009-06-05T13:51:00.002-06:00

Thou shalt calleth someone on the phone and then get distracted and chatteth with the person sitting next to thee whilst the person thou called answers and says, "Hello? Hello?! Can you hear me? Hello?!" and finally hangs up on thee so that thou must call them again.

What Gives?

2009-06-04T20:35:00.000-06:00

You know what I've noticed? About 78% of the people who put themselves down as Wanting To Go To Heaven (look over there -->) are women.

I can't say I'm completely surprised by that, but let me ask you something. Do you think it's because women are overall kinder, gentler, more loving and selfless, and therefore more spiritually in tune? Or is it just because they find my beard so damn sexy?

Your Laws Are Funnier Than Mine

2009-06-04T15:07:00.005-06:00

You totally crack me up. Although I did give you a few rules and guidelines, I've pretty much left it up to you to figure out how to run your own lives. And occasionally the rules and laws you've put in place for yourselves can be a little bit ridiculous. Sometimes the things you come up with.... I mean, who thinks of stuff like that? I'm telling you, you are an endless source of entertainment for me.

For example, today I spent a full 26 minutes laughing hysterically over the fact that in Scotland it is illegal to be drunk while in possession of a cow. I mean, somebody had to actually sit down, form the conclusion that people with cows shouldn't be tipsy, consider it enough of a hazard that it should be enacted into a law, and convince enough local lawmakers that it was important enough to be written down and made official.

No joke, when I came up with the Big 10 I pretty much winged it. To be honest, Moses had asked me to do it weeks before, and we had that meeting on Mount Sinai scheduled, but when he showed up I had completely forgotten about it. So I scratched something down on some tablets I had lying around really fast just so he wouldn't get all fussy about it. When he got back down the mountain and actually took a moment to read them, he was soooo pissed to see that I had just written "Moses sucks" ten times that he threw them on the ground and smashed them.

So, when he came back to get them for real, I let him help me with the wording so he'd feel important (I told you a little about that here). In retrospect, I never should have done that. It completely went to his big fat head.

I wish he had a sense of humor, because then the Big 10 could have been an absolute riot. Like the drunk with a cow law. I could have done some really good ones. And I would have left number 8 as "Moses Sucks." And probably number 9, too.

What's In A Name, Anyway?

2009-06-03T12:00:00.003-06:00

Heaven is a big place, and always getting bigger, it seems. With all the new people moving in all the time, it's amazing that we're able to keep pace with accomodating all of them. We build about 87,000 houses a day.

There are lots of regions in Heaven. Within each region are lots of different boroughs, and within each borough are lots of different neighborhoods. Sometimes, the angel in charge of new development in a specific neighborhood has to oversee the creation of six or seven different streets in a single day. It can be hard to be creative when it comes to naming streets. We have 837 Elm Streets, for crying out loud.

The other day a few new residents came to complain to me. They were less than thrilled that when they arrived in Heaven they were assigned houses on 3.14159265358979 Avenue. I told them that around here, we pronounce it 'pi', but they still thought it was ridiculous for them to have to remember that street name every time they had to write down their address.

I told them it could be a lot worse. We could have sent them to live on Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia Lane.

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

2009-06-02T08:16:00.002-06:00

... wearing pink short-shorts while cruising around the yard on your riding lawnmower.

Sometimes Things Just Work Out

2009-06-01T12:41:00.003-06:00

When I got to work this morning there was a card on my desk. On the front was a picture of a smiling sunflower and a rainbow. Inside it said, "Hey, God! We just wanted to do a little something to say 'Thank You' for everything you do around here! Love, The Miracles Department."

That was so thoughtful. The timing was absolutely perfect, because as I was arriving at the office my Fruit Stripe was losing flavor and I wanted to throw it out, so I really needed something I could wrap it up in so it wouldn't gunk up the side of my rubbish bin. That card was perfect!

Thanks, guys.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

2009-05-29T11:34:00.002-06:00

Thou shalt not sticketh thy fingers into thy mouth and play with thy gum whilst thou art talking to thy friend about thy crush on this boy that thy friend Amanda went out with last year but they broke up because he had soccer practice so he couldn't take her to go see 'Made of Honor' and besides he said he thought it looked stupid but it was such a good movie and really really cute and OMG Patrick Dempsey is so adorable and don't you think Nick in biology class kind of looks like him? but anyway he got kicked off the soccer team because his mom was a total witch-with-a-B to the coach and Julie said that Brian said that Kam said that he was quoting 'She's the Man' at Tyson's birthday party and that's your all-time favorite movie so you two are obviouslymadeforeachother.

I Keep Telling You, I Have A Great Sense Of Humor

2009-05-28T09:56:00.003-06:00

I love jokes. Sometimes Pete and I will just sit and tell jokes back and forth and back and forth all day long. Pete thinks most of my jokes are lame, but I say as long as I think they're funny, that's all that matters. As the master and commander of the Universe, I think it's one of my privileges to set the standard for what's funny and what isn't. These are funny:

What is the beekeeping pirate's favorite place to eat? Arrrrrbees!

A guy walked into a bar and said, "Ouch!"

What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white? A nun falling down the stairs.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

There are only 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car.

What did the fish say when it ran into the cement wall? "Damn!" What did the wall say back? "DumBass."

Where does the general keep his armies? In his sleevies.

What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat? Polly Unsaturated.

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan.

A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said, "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper said, "You have a drink named Bob?"

Why did the monkeys refuse to join in the jungle poker match? There were too many cheetahs.

This is not:

My dog Minton ate two shuttlecocks yesterday. Bad Minton.

Sorry, ryanmer, but any time I have to use Wikipedia to help me understand a joke, it's officially not funny.

Thanks to @BeautiCreams, @scottspjut, @ryanmer, @BigBags and @txnewsprincess for their contributions. Feel free to leave more in the comments!

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

2009-05-26T14:02:00.001-06:00

... wearing your baseball cap sideways while saying words like "yo", "home dawg", and "shizzle."

Announcement

2009-05-25T08:20:00.000-06:00

Today is the six-month anniversary of the start of this blog. I just thought you'd like to know.

Also, Satan lost one of the Hell Hounds, so if you live in Cleveland, keep an eye out. Those things tend to gravitate toward Cleveland, for some reason.

Come On!

2009-05-22T14:49:00.003-06:00

Pffft. The Missus took it upon herself today to throw away my absolute favorite lying-around-the-house shirt. She says it's 'hideous' and 'frankly a bit disturbing.'

Oh, so just because it's ugly (I don't think it is, by the way), does that give her the right to throw it out? It's just something I throw on when I'm hanging around the house, or working in the garage, or playing basketball with Pete. Okay, so maybe I've worn it to work once or twice when I'd forgotten to pick up my robe from the dry cleaners. Big deal.

You know when you have one of those shirts that just fits so perfectly, and you've washed it so many times it's soft like butter, and wearing it just puts you in a better mood? That's what this shirt was to me.

And I don't understand how the Missus thought it was so ugly. She never liked it, ever since the day I brought it home. I ask you, what's wrong with a picture of a happy little clown juggling some kittens, huh? Come on! What's so 'hideous' about that?

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

2009-05-22T11:05:00.002-06:00

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. (This includes vainly accusing said God of being a liar. I know most of you remember this one just fine, but some of you needed a little reminding today. *cough*Bags*cough*!)

Hello! My Name Is Inigo Montoya. You Killed My Father. Prepare To Die.

2009-05-21T12:11:00.003-06:00

I'm imaginative. I think outside the box. Unfortunately, because I'm so busy, I don't have a lot of time to pursue my creative hobbies. It would be so... well, Heavenly (for lack of a better term) if I could have more time to work on my songwriting or stand-up comedy or stand-up songwriting comedy.

Last night it was the Missus' turn to pick the movie for our traditional Wednesday Watinée (I came up with that. Told you I'm creative). She picked The Princess Bride. Great movie. One of my favorites. Remember the part where Andre the Giant said, "Anybody got a peanut?" Classic!

As we were watching it, I got to thinking. Maybe I could pull a Dread Pirate Roberts. I could find somebody to replace me, pull a little switcharoo, and retire. Because, like Westley says in the movie, it's the name that really matters.

Oh, retirement! It's a tempting thought. I'd have so much free time to perfect my stand-up songwriting comedy that I bet I could even be better than FotC. Or maybe... maybe I'd write movies. I do love movies. I have this great idea for a script, actually. Yesterday's Watinée inspired me. It's kind of like The Princess Bride meets Terminator meets Goonies, set to the music of Sonic Youth. I think it could be a big hit.

Just A Little Reminder

2009-05-20T21:16:00.003-06:00

Okay, guys, come on. Let's use our prayers wisely. Before you waste both your (and infinitely more importantly) MY time with a silly prayer, take a moment to think about what it's really supposed to be for.

Please, pray to me about big life decisions. Pray to me when you're sick, or when you're worried, or when you're feeling especially happy and grateful about something. Pray for help finding your keys so you won't be late. Pray before taking a big exam or to calm your nerves before a presentation at work. I don't even mind if you pray that your favorite bakery hasn't run out of Cinnamon Swirl cupcakes because you've had a crappy day and want one really bad.

But seriously, stop praying for magic powers, you nerds. I'm not going to make you invisible. I'm not going to make you fly. I'm not going to give you the ability to communicate with animals. What do I look like, a giant vat of radioactive goo?

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

2009-05-19T08:27:00.000-06:00

... believing in evolution.

Just A Day, Just An Ordinary Day...

2009-05-15T12:20:00.001-06:00

A lot of you want to know what a typical day in Heaven is like. So, yesterday I wrote down everything I did so you guys could see exactly what goes on up here:

6:45 - Ignored alarm clock.
6:46 - Ignored the Missus poking me and telling me to get up.
7:12 - Got up
7:16 - Stubbed my toe, cursed for a while, granted myself Mercy and Forgiveness for cursing
7:18 - Bathroom
7:25 - Ate Count Chocula
7:29 - Laughed at the Missus for trying to get me to eat a banana with my Count Chocula
7:43 - Shower
8:04 - Blowed dry my beard part-way on low heat
8:09 - Got dressed
8:15 - Finished blowing dry my beard (upside down for extra bounce)
8:26 - Bathroom
8:31 - Went to the office
8:32 - Hid Moses' staff
8:40 - Called Pete, made plans for lunch
8:57 - Bejeweled 2
9:30 - Went through inbox, answered some prayers
10:12 - Bathroom
10:18 - Back to answering prayers
10:35 - Cancelled Moses' meeting to discuss lack of 'professionalism' in the office
10:54 - Got some coffee and a Milky Way from the break room
11:13 - Performed miracles
12:31 - Had status meeting with angels
1:02 - Went home to get Bandit
1:07 - Walked over to T'ienTown to pick up lunch
1:16 - Got to the Pearlies, gave Pete a handshake/hug
1:19 - Ate lunch with Pete, played a little frisbee with Bandit, chilled out
2:07 - Brought Bandit back to the office
2:09 - Bathroom
2:15 - Gave Moses his staff back so he'd shut up about the whole 'no pets in the office' policy
2:17 - Gave the Universe a little minor tweaking
3:46 - Mah Jong
4:05 - Smiting
4:21 - Answered prayers
4:59 - Watched the clock and counted down until...
5:00 - Went home!
5:16 - Took a power nap
6:03 - Ate dinner with the Missus
6:26 - Got out of doing the dishes by taking Bandit on a walk
7:00 - Watched TV
8:52 - Finally ate that banana like the Missus wanted - with ice cream and hot fudge!
9:18 - Checked my email, Googled random stuff
11:06 - Went to bed
11:09 - Bathroom
11:13 - Back to bed

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

2009-05-15T08:32:00.002-06:00

Thou shalt not use a fine-tip Sharpie to play 'connect the dots' with thy young nephew's face freckles and then tell his mother that he didst it to himself.

Stuff You Should Thank Me For

2009-05-13T09:20:00.001-06:00

Corners
Abe Vigoda
Magnifying glasses
Speckles
Circles
Half-priced seasonal candy the day after a holiday
Bricks
Stepladders
Hula hoops
Juggling
Martin Landau
Bronze
Lilacs
Toy trains
Nose plugs
Bubbles (not the chimp)
Bubbles (the chimp)
The Transformed Man
Potassium
Narcotics

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

2009-05-12T08:16:00.001-06:00

... duct taping your friend to bus.

Let's Play A Little Game

2009-05-11T10:09:00.002-06:00

Everyone wants to know what Heaven is really like, and it seems like everybody has a different idea of what would truly be 'heavenly'. To some of you, Heaven couldn't be nicer than lying back with a loved one in your arms, listening to the rain hit the roof. Some imagine a beautiful place made of clouds and rainbows and sparkling sunlight. Others are really hoping that we have a kickass waterslide.

But, you know, it really is possible to have a little piece of Heaven on Earth. Especially right now, when the world seems to be in such turmoil, it's wonderful to be able to find your own little peaceful corner of Heaven, no matter where you are or what you're doing.

Close your eyes.

Hahahaha! Seriously? I can't believe you just closed them. This is a blog. How are you supposed to read what to do next if your eyes are closed? GOTCHA!

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

2009-05-08T15:41:00.001-06:00

Thou shalt not thump a monkey.

Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God

2009-05-05T12:54:00.001-06:00

Heyyyy. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. You just caught me at a really bad time. I was really busy during the 70s, and I swear to Me I had every intention of getting in touch with you during the 80s, but it just turned into one of those things that I kept putting off and it get put on the back burner. My bad.

But, hey, better late than never, right?

So I was looking over all those questions you asked me, and it seems you've pretty much found most of the answers for yourself over the past forty years. You've done pretty well without me, actually. Except for the seventy pounds you've put on since the second divorce, that is.

I wish I had more time on my hands to personally connect with all my children. Back in the early days, I hung out with Adam all the time! We'd take walks, see all the animals, have a catch, and I'd even have time to impart some kind of important lesson before bedtime. But now there are just so many of my children wandering around on the Earth, seeking me and my wisdom and guidance; it's impossible for me to give them any quality time!

Remember that scene in Horton Hears a Who where the Mayor had so many kids he could only schedule one minute of quality time for each of them as they whisked by him on a conveyer belt thing? Imagine that times 704 million.

I'm starting to regret that whole "multiply and replenish" commandment, because OMMe! Seven billion people? That's just ridiculous. Do you have any idea what that means? That means, if I had nothing to do all day but devote my full attention to my children, they would each get 12/millionths of a second a day.

Now, I can do a lot with 12/millionths of a second. The problem is you. Not you, specifically, Margaret, but everyone just like you. If you guys would just pay attention when you're praying, instead of just rambling on about nothing, maybe you'd realize that I'm trying to answer you but can't get a word in edgewise.

So to answer your question, Margaret: Yes, I'm here. And I've set aside a whole three minutes just for you, to talk about anything you want. Anything at all. What's on your mind?

Oh. Oh. "Woman's" troubles? Eesh. You're not over that yet? Um....

Would you look at that! We're out of time! I must have taken so much time talking about having no time that I now have no time. Shucks. I really wanted to help you out with that, I did. We'll talk about it later, I promise.

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

2009-05-05T08:20:00.001-06:00

... breaking wind in an elevator.

We Work Hard And Play Hard Around Here

2009-05-04T11:28:00.003-06:00

Moses showed up to work on Friday wearing a Hawaiian-print robe. He said he thought it'd be fun if we had "Hawaiian Robe Friday" once a month.

You know what I decided would be fun? Telling everybody else in the office that today was "Leave a Random Item in Moses' Cubicle Monday" and watching his head turn purple and quiver with anger when at the end of the day nobody claimed the Lituanian flag or pet rock.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

2009-05-01T17:15:00.002-06:00

Thou shalt not drinketh directly from the orange juice carton until there is but sixteen and a half drops left, then return the carton to the refrigerator so that the next person who wants some juice realizes how little there is in the carton and decideth to not dirty a glass for a mere sixteen and a half drops of orange juice, but drinketh straight from the carton as well and catcheth thy swine flu as a result.

MUTANT-Y!!!

2009-04-30T14:48:00.003-06:00

I bet you guys are pretty excited because the 'Wolverine' movie comes out in theaters tomorrow (Pete showed me a super secret way to get it for free on the internet, so I've already seen it seven times. Sorry, guys, it's just one of the perks of living in Heaven. Someday if you're really good you'll get to come up here and watch movies for free on the internet, too).

You know, if I were to make mutants for real, I think I'd make one that had a psychic mustache. It'd be really really long, and it'd know how to spell. That way, whenever something dangerous was about to happen, the mustache twist itself up to say something like, "Impending Doom!" Because, come on. What would you do if you were a bad guy and you saw a dude with a mustache that spelled "Impending Doom!" all by itself? You'd be scared out of your wits. You've already lost that battle before it's even begun.

Heyyyyyyy Batter!

2009-04-29T21:34:00.004-06:00

I stopped by Hell for a little visit with Satan today to discuss our upcoming softball game. I wanted to make sure he understood that this game is going to be clean and fair, unlike every other game we've ever played with Hell. Admittedly, I'm a bit competitive, and while I admit that razzing your opponent can be a great team-building exercise, Satan tends to take it a wee bit too far.

To tell you the truth, I didn't mind too much when they refilled all of my team's Gatorade bottles with blood. That was just a little friendly practical joke. It bothered me a little bit when they filled our dugout with the charred flesh of the gluttonous (it just takes so long to clean out your cleats after stepping in something like that!). But that time they replaced third base with a pit leading down into the fiery depths of the underworld... that was uncalled for.

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

2009-04-28T08:15:00.000-06:00

... marrying your second-cousin.

I Have A Confession

2009-04-27T11:41:00.002-06:00

I don't often get emotional. Sometimes it makes people think I'm cold or uncaring, but that's simply untrue. I care so much that I have to put up a wall in order to keep my caring from getting out of control. You have to be made of pretty tough stuff to have my job. You have to stay focused. Logical. Rational.

I mean, because I know everything that's happening always, I'm pretty much on a constant emotional roller coaster. It's like living in the last 10 minutes of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition all the time. There's a constant barrage of happiness and sadness hitting me 24/7, and if I reacted to it the way a normal person would I simply wouldn't be able to function.

But all that aside, I can't help but tear up a little every time I hear Kermit sing "Rainbow Connection."

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

2009-04-24T08:59:00.001-06:00

Thou shalt have no other gods before me, meaning that thou shall not follow @Oprah.

Do-hay Ou-yay Understand-hay?

2009-04-23T14:15:00.004-06:00

Pete and I like to talk to each other in a super secret language we made up so that no one else can understand what we're saying. Sometimes we like to pretend that we're spies and we have to use the secret language to deliver intel about secret missions. And sometimes we just use it to say mean things about Moses without him knowing.

When I got to work today there was a note from Pete in my inbox that said:

Od-gay ~ Euss-gay at-whay? Oses-may ucks-say. Ahahaha-hay! Ove-lay, Ete-pay.

Stupid Newfangled Contraption

2009-04-23T08:31:00.003-06:00

The Missus is a big fan of the home shopping network. She loves to see all the crazy stuff you guys are willing to pay just 9.95 + shipping and handling for. Unfortunately, every now and then she sees something she absolutely has to have. I told her that as long as it's not one of those creepy Marie Osmond dolls, she can have whatever she wants.

But that means I have days like today, days when I open to cupboard to get a bowl for my Count Chocula and find something like this:

What the...? What is this thing?!

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

2009-04-21T08:57:00.002-06:00

... DVRing the fourth hour of 'The Today Show' so you can watch it when you get home from work.

25 Things About Me

2009-04-20T09:53:00.004-06:00

1. My sandals are size 14.5 US (49 EU).

2. I have three pictures on my desk at work. One is of the Missus, one is of me with Bandit and Pete, and one is of the look Moses' face from that time he came to work and realized too late that the memo I'd sent out the day before requiring everyone to shave their beards was a joke. Classic!

3. My top five all-time favorite movies are Sleepless in Seattle, What About Bob?, Goonies, The Hudsucker Proxy, and Die Hard.

4. My thumbs and my big toes are all double-jointed.

5. I think that if I couldn't be God anymore, I'd really like to be Burt Reynolds.

6. I'm a sucker for Chinese food. That's part of the reason why I made so many Chinese people - there's always someone up here who can whip me up some shrimp lo mein at a moment's notice!

7. Without a doubt, my favorite chore to do is fluffing the clouds. I love to just kind of stick my hands in there and go to work, forgetting all my troubles and just letting my thoughts wander. There's just something kind of therapeutic about it, don't you think?

8. Yeah, about the whole 'global warming' thing... don't tell Al Gore this, it would crush him, but the truth is I've just never had much of a green thumb.

9. The Creation that I'm most proud of is the rhinoceros.

10. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who understands that the Universe is in a very delicate balance. Sure, I'd like to just get rid of spiders, or go back in time and never create them in the first place, but I know that if I did that it would have altered the fabric of the Universe to the point that you guys would be riding to work on the back of giant winged worms. And that's creepy.

11. Very few things bring me as much joy as watching little kids hip-hop dancing.

12. My favorite ice cream is Rocky Road.

13. Once, years ago, the Missus decided to change her hairstyle. I knew she had done it, of course. I know everything. But I felt like I wouldn't be living up to her expectations of a husband if I mentioned it right away. So I waited a few weeks and then said, "Did you do something different to your hair?" She acted like she was annoyed with me, but really she was relieved that it took me so long, because only a the gay would notice a new haircut immediately.

14. Once I let Pete paint my toenails bright pink on a dare.

15. Every 50 years when a new class of cherubs graduate to full-fledged angels, I give the commencement address. I used to put a lot of time and thought into writing my speech, but I've gotten a bit lazy. I've given the exact same one for the last 187 graduation ceremonies. Nobody's noticed.

16. Even though I know everything, you guys still manage to amaze me every day. Mostly because every day millions of you eat hot dogs, which is simply amazing. And gross.

17. My hair and beard weren't always white. I'm a natural blonde, but I thought going white would make me look more distinguished and less like an unshaven surfer hippie.

18. Originally I only created Light, but then I had to create Dark to make it easier to hide from Chuck Norris.

19. There's a Post-It on my bathroom mirror that says, "Smile Today!!!" It's been there for ages, and I don't think I'm wrong to credit my cheerful disposition to that helpful little reminder.

20. I have hidden Moses' staff from him 23,687 times, and it's still just as funny as it's ever been.

21. Sometimes I miss the days when it was just Adam and me.

22. One of Pete's and my favorite games is a little something we call "Reset Button". Basically, we pretend to wipe out the entire human race, but we take turns and pick 10 people each that we'd want to restart civilization. I try to choose different combinations of people every time, but Pete's first pick is always Will Smith.

23. I lost my letter opener, so until I find it I'm using the Flaming Sword that guards the eastern gate of Eden. So I'm trusting you guys not to go near the Tree, alright?

24. My beard is awesome.

25. Despite my infinite knowledge and wisdom, I will never understand why human men insist on wearing pants. Trust me, guys, when you get up to Heaven and start rocking these uber-comfortable robes we have up here, you're all going to kick yourselves for not being cross-dressers while you were alive.

Here's A Thought-Provoking Quote

2009-04-17T14:48:00.000-06:00

In his book Les Miserables, renowned author Victor Hugo said, "To love another person is to see the face of God." Well, he was French, so what he actually said was, "Pour l'amour d'une autre personne, c'est de voir le visage de Dieu," which, by the way, is a great thing to say to impress the ladies.

No matter what language you say it in, it's wrong. A total lie.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

2009-04-17T10:42:00.002-06:00

Thou shalt not sit at thy desk and absent-mindedly click the top of thy clicky pen over and over and over and over again while thou thinkest about thy next move on Free Cell, for the constant little click-click-click-click-clicking is certain to lead those around thee straight down into Hell, although who could blame them for killing thee, really?

I'm Not Doing It, I Swear!

2009-04-16T17:27:00.004-06:00

Thursday is Poker Night. Pete always shows, and then I usually invite a few guys from all over Heaven, and while they all think it's a big honor to be asked, nobody ever comes twice. In fact, it's becoming increasingly difficult to get people to play, even though I promise to try really hard to not know what's in everybody's hand.

But sometimes it seems like even when I manage to switch off the omniscience, some sort of mystical magical force wants me to be dealt really good hands. I mean, really good. And it must be a truly magical force, because even I don't know how to stop it from making me win. I don't know what that the force is, really. Maybe it's The Force, like on Star Wars.

You're A Valued Part Of This Team

2009-04-15T12:43:00.002-06:00

Sometimes it seems like all I hear is "Why does the world work like this?" and "How come the world doesn't work like that?" No matter how many things I do right, somebody's always got to nit-pick over the teeniest little things that they perceive to be wrong.

Well, rest assured, your complaints don't fall on deaf ears. And after a few thousand years of keeping the Universe functioning perfectly well by doing everything my way, I've been thinking. Maybe I need to be a bit more open to taking your constructive criticisms under consideration.

Never mind the fact that I know everything. I'm sure your ideas about how it should never rain on the day you wear your new shoes, or how they shouldn't build a new coffeeshop on the corner because you were really hoping for an antique store, or how we should take jellyfish and add 3% more water to them to make them just water and therefore easier to get on with, will do nothing but make the world a more pleasant, wet place.

I want you to feel like your input means something to me. So, please, gripe to me one more time about how unfair it is that your windshield got hit by a rock a mere two years after you paid to have it replaced and how that must mean I'm punishing you for something insignificant. In fact, you know what? Here. Here's the Universe. Do with it as you will. You'll probably be way better at it than I am. I'm sure you'll be able to please absolutely everybody all the time.

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

2009-04-14T08:44:00.002-06:00

... taking the time to stop and smell the roses. The ones you stole from your neighbor's garden when you realized you'd forgotten your wife's birthday.

Heaven Has Its Perks

2009-04-13T12:43:00.002-06:00

It's the day after Easter, and that makes me realize just how hard I've made it for you guys down on Earth. But don't worry! Be valiant, and you'll get to come to Heaven. And one of the best things about living in Heaven is that we can get marshmallow Peeps all year 'round.

The whole living in perfect harmony thing is pretty cool, too.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

2009-04-10T12:38:00.003-06:00

Thou shalt not spend thy evening drinking wine and mocking the planet, for I hath spent much time putting it all together and David Attenborough doth a wonderful job of narrating it for thee.