Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not useth the expression, "It's always in the last place you look," because once thou hast found the thing that thou wast searching for, thou dost not continue searching, so obviously it was in the last place that thou looked; so that if thou sought and did not find, and sought and did not find, and sought and found, thou wouldst not seek again, now would thee?

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not send a postcard to thy husband when thou art on thy business trip to Vancouver that sayeth, "Hi, honey! Vancouver is great, but I wish I weren't stuck in boring meetings all day so I could see a bit more of the city. I hope everything at home is okay. I'm running out of room but I just want you to know that I'm cheating on you with my personal assistant Byron" because as thou knowest, the name 'Byron' is stupid and thy husband would much rather thou cheated on him with someone with a real man's name.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not offer to cut thy roommate's hair and sayeth to them that it shall be fine because thou hast done it loads of times before and thou totally knowest what thou is doing, but thou really hast only cut the hair off of thy sister's Barbie's when thou was little except for when thou decided to go all the way and just cut off the entire head.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not useth thy knees to steer thy jacked-up Ford F-250 whilst straddling two lanes on the freeway at 37 miles per hour just so that thou might have thy hands free to eat a bowl of leftover chili from last night's potluck dinner at thy neighbor Beau's house.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt read Satan's Blog, for he hath renewed his commitment to update it as his therapist thought it would be a good emotional outlet for him.

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Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not bringeth thy small children with thee to an obviously non-kid-friendly show at the movie theater simply because thou didst not wish to hire a babysitter (which makes no sense, anyway, since thou art paying just as much for thy children's tickets as thou would pay for the 12-year-old that lives down the street to keep them alive for a few hours), and then allow thy children to run amock in the theater, and not keepest them in their seats but ignoreth them as they run up and down the stairs and tosseth their booster seats about the aisles and OMMe if those were my children I'd beat them with the bloody stumps of their arms.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt calleth someone on the phone and then get distracted and chatteth with the person sitting next to thee whilst the person thou called answers and says, "Hello? Hello?! Can you hear me? Hello?!" and finally hangs up on thee so that thou must call them again.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not sticketh thy fingers into thy mouth and play with thy gum whilst thou art talking to thy friend about thy crush on this boy that thy friend Amanda went out with last year but they broke up because he had soccer practice so he couldn't take her to go see 'Made of Honor' and besides he said he thought it looked stupid but it was such a good movie and really really cute and OMG Patrick Dempsey is so adorable and don't you think Nick in biology class kind of looks like him? but anyway he got kicked off the soccer team because his mom was a total witch-with-a-B to the coach and Julie said that Brian said that Kam said that he was quoting 'She's the Man' at Tyson's birthday party and that's your all-time favorite movie so you two are obviouslymadeforeachother.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. (This includes vainly accusing said God of being a liar. I know most of you remember this one just fine, but some of you needed a little reminding today. *cough*Bags*cough*!)

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not use a fine-tip Sharpie to play 'connect the dots' with thy young nephew's face freckles and then tell his mother that he didst it to himself.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not thump a monkey.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not drinketh directly from the orange juice carton until there is but sixteen and a half drops left, then return the carton to the refrigerator so that the next person who wants some juice realizes how little there is in the carton and decideth to not dirty a glass for a mere sixteen and a half drops of orange juice, but drinketh straight from the carton as well and catcheth thy swine flu as a result.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt have no other gods before me, meaning that thou shall not follow @Oprah.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not sit at thy desk and absent-mindedly click the top of thy clicky pen over and over and over and over again while thou thinkest about thy next move on Free Cell, for the constant little click-click-click-click-clicking is certain to lead those around thee straight down into Hell, although who could blame them for killing thee, really?

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not spend thy evening drinking wine and mocking the planet, for I hath spent much time putting it all together and David Attenborough doth a wonderful job of narrating it for thee.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not pick the sock lint from between thy toes and save it in a little jar so that thou mayest one day use thy toe lint as part of an elaborate scheme to exact revenge on thy ex-girlfriend's current boyfriend, for it will surely backfire in thy face. Trust me on this one, thou art not as clever as thou thinkest thou are, and it will not work.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not meander down the sidewalk, shoulder-to-shoulder with thy friends, oblivious to the goings-on around thee as thou gossipest about nothing of eternal nor mortal importance, spreading thouselves out across the breadth of the walkway so that thou blockst the path of all who art trying to pass you by, and then shoot people dirty looks when they ask thee to excuse them that they may continue on their journey.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not wrap a kitchen towel around thy head and flutter about thy house naked singing "Nonny Nonny Nonny Nonny Nonny Nonny Noo!"

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not attempt to justify stuffing thyself with an entire dish of extra creamy macaroni and cheese, two and a half pounds of Chocolate Drizzle S'mores bundt cake and a can of Diet Coke in one sitting as a "momentary lapse in judgement" because "everyone cheats a little at Weight Watchers."

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not follow me on Twitter for the mere purpose of getting me to follow thee, then cease following me because thou thinks that I wilt not notice that thou has stopped following me and wilt continue to follow thee regardless, for thou art wrong, and this is a sure way to entice my wrath. Also, thou art a loser and thou shouldst be surprised that no one likes thee, not even thy mother.