I Have A Confession

I dropped a Skittle yesterday. I think it might still be in my beard.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment (And 100th Post!)

Thou shalt not (this is my 100th post!) tempt thy friends who art heavy with drink (can you believe it? 100 is a lot!) to corner the racoon that ist hiding in thy attic (it's making me feel all nostalgic, you know?) and taunt it with thy mop (that's it, free blessings for everyone! I'm in a good mood) until it attacks thy drunken friend in the face and givest him rabies. (100!)

We Play Lots Of Games In Heaven

Sometimes Bandit and I like to play Marco Polo. Only we have to modify it slightly, because Bandit doesn't speak Human. So when we play, instead of me shouting 'Marco!' and Bandit answering 'Polo!', it goes a little something like this:

I say, "Bandit!"

Bandit says, "Bark!"

I say, "Where are you?"

Bandit says, "Bark!"

I say, "...No, seriously. Where are you? I want to go play frisbee."

It's such a fun game!

Hey, I'm Real Proud Of You

You know, every year during Lent I get a little choked up with pride for all of you who choose to worship me by giving up things you love. What an amazing demonstration it is. Really, it means a lot. I know I'm supposed to just be God because that's my job, but it's nice to feel appreciated, and Lent is the time of year when I feel most appreciated. You're doing something that's not easy for you, just because you love and/or fear me. Thank you.

Seriously, if somebody asked me to give up Toaster Strudels for forty days I'd laugh in their face. There's just NO WAY that would happen. Totally not worth it.

Little Known Fact

I don't like to write with black pens. They just make me feel sad. Black ink is so dark and depressing. It's, like, "Hey, look at me! I'm all black and inky." It just puts me in a foul mood.

I only use brightly colored pens. Green pens, purple pens, blue pens, glow-in-the-dark pens, glitter pens... In fact, there is only one black pen in all of Heaven, and I only use it to sign smiting orders.

Kids Pray The Darndest Things

"Father in Heaven: Please hear my prayers that Mom won't find out my kitty peed on her bed because she'll get mad. Amen."

"Dear God: Please bless this oatmeal that it doesn't taste gross. Amen."

"Heavenly Father: Hi, how are you? I'm good. Today at school I saw a really cool bug and I squished it so it could go to Heaven and you could see it. You're welcome. Amen. Good night."

"Dear God: Please bless my mom and dad don't have sex and make another little brother, because I already got one and he just cries a lot. Amen."

"Dear Heavenly Father: Tell Jesus I said hi. Amen."

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

... letting your friend walk around in public with an accidental receipt-ink mustache all day without mentioning it to them.