Why Am I The Only One In Heaven With A Sense Of Humor?

I thought of a really funny practical joke to do with Jesus - you know, kind of a father/son bonding thing. But he doesn't want to. I'm not going to lie - it hurts. I thought it'd be a really fun opportunity for us to spend a little time together, share some laughs. But he thinks it's 'inappropriate.'

Well, duh, Jesus. That's what makes it funny.

It's not like I wanted him to do anything embarrassing, like streak through the Golden Fields again. I just wanted him to go crash a really orthodox Jewish family's Passover Seder and plop himself down in the empty seat. Then when everybody looks shocked he'd just smile and ask, "Which one of ya'll killed me?" Then take a long sip of wine and just wait for somebody to pass out. It'd be so funny!

Question Box!!!

Is there life on other planets?

Of course. But it's not exactly like what you have on Earth. Earth is the only one with humans. As you know, I created Man after My Own Image. Well, Creating stuff is difficult at best. There was a bit of a learning curve involved. So the other planets were practice planets, if you will. This is why aliens always look a little weird - have you ever seen a four-year-old draw a picture of a person? Even though they know what humans look like, they haven't quite figured out how to make their crayon sketches look human-shaped. It took me a while to get Man just right.

So on other planets are my earlier attempts at creating worlds and habitats to support Man, my Greatest Creation. But don't tell them that - each planet thinks that they're the finished product. But you guys really are. I promise. You're not, like, halfway up the progress ladder, I swear. You're really really ridiculously close to being exactly on the top. And I'm not just telling you that. Really. Next!

Why did you create Lucifer who would later rebel against you?

Yikes. I'll admit it. That was... that was a mistake. I totally dropped the ball on that one. My bad. Next!

I was raised Jewish, and my wife is Episcopalian. Do we get to go to the same Heaven when we die?

You know, I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic. When two people really love each other and really belong together, I hate to see them apart (the third time Ross and Rachel broke up I threw my TV through a wall). So even if two people don't necessarily believe all the same things, as long as they're striving to be the best spouses, friends, and people they can be, and doing what they truly believe will bring them closer to Me, I simply can't justify keeping them apart for all eternity.

In your case, however, your wife's totally going to Hell. But not for being Episcopalian. For adultery. So's your best friend Phil. Sorry. Next!

Hey, God, help me out. I can not for the life of me remember where I left my keys and I'm late for work.

They're in that little basket next to the microwave. Next!

How does this whole thing work?

To clarify for everybody, I know that when Steven emailed me this question he was really wondering how the whole 'one supreme dude in charge of the whole Universe' thing works. I already answered it for him, and here's what I said: I can try to answer it in a way your feeble human mind can comprehend. Basically, what makes "this all work" is a very complex system of levers and pulleys being operated by a flying starfish with seventeen legs. And a purple headband that sings "Que Sera." This is all metaphorical, of course, but I think the comparison will help clear it up for you.

Can't wait to get to the Pearlies to ask God your question? You can email it to him at godhasablog@gmail.com

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

... eating the Easter candy from last year that you just found under the couch.

My Wife Gets Mad At Me Sometimes

For some reason I cannot fathom, the Missus likes canned peas. One time, to teach her how disgusting they are, I rolled up little balls of wasabi and hid them in her peas at dinner. She didn't speak to me for 237 years.

It was hilarious. Totally worth it.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not pick the sock lint from between thy toes and save it in a little jar so that thou mayest one day use thy toe lint as part of an elaborate scheme to exact revenge on thy ex-girlfriend's current boyfriend, for it will surely backfire in thy face. Trust me on this one, thou art not as clever as thou thinkest thou are, and it will not work.

Bandit Is The Smartest, Most Bestest Dog In The Universe!

I taught Bandit a new trick today. Down on Earth, a lot of you guys like to teach your dogs to do things like sit, speak, play dead. Which I find strange and kind of morbid.

So I taught him how to play Undead. He groans and moans and walks around all slow and jerky on his hind legs with his front paws hanging out in front of him and his head flopped to the side and his tongue hanging out.

And he mastered it after only a little coaxing and two Beggin' Strips. Good boy, Bandit!

April Fool!

I have to be honest (no, really, I have to) - I am the King of All Creation Including But Not Limited To April Fool Pranks. I love April Fool pranks. I always pull some really good ones, but this year I totally topped myself.

I'm actually thinking of retiring from practical jokes after this. I mean, really. I don't know if I'll ever pull another prank again, because this one was just so amazing that nothing I do in the future will ever top it.

I froze Hell over.

It was classic! I can't believe I've never thought of it before. If you could have seen Satan's face when he woke up and saw a life-size ice sculpture of me pointing and laughing at him standing next to his bed... I don't think I've ever been so happy!