Creation That Didn't Pan Out #318

Wafflebirds.

Happy Birthday, Universe!

Wow, I can't believe the Universe is already 6,013 years old. I remember Creating it like it was yesterday.

I know, I know. You think I'm a few weeks late. Because once again you think you know me or how I operate better than I do. The Missus is always telling me that when I made people after my own image they inherited my arrogance. My mistake.

But despite what every rational, Me-fearing person on Earth believes, the Universe was not created on the night proceeding October 23, 4004 BC. It was actually around 2 pm on November 12, 4004 BC. James Ussher was close, but he failed to take into account how quickly Adam rushed through the whole naming-the-animals task. I mean, maybe if he had taken an extra couple of weeks Adam would have come up with something better than "aardvark."

Creation That Didn't Pan Out #22

Heffalumps. Also, woozles.

The Play-It-Again Sams

One of the greatest perks about Heaven is that, because there are SO MANY people up here, you can always find someone who's gung-ho about your latest great idea.

So I wasn't at all surprised at how many people responded to the flier I posted up at the rec center last week, asking for people to join a new club. We had almost forty people show up to our very first meeting, and I'm sure once word gets out it will grow like crazy. I mean, who wouldn't want to join the Play-It-Again Sams?

See, the idea is that we all get together and recreate, scene-by-scene, the greatest selections from the history of theater, television, and movies. Then we put video of our recreation up on HaLo (it's kind of like our version of YouTube). So it's called the Play-It-Again club, and everyone in it is a Sam.

I know. Take a moment to soak up my cleverness.

What we do is actually inspired by all of you guys down there on Earth. See, you guys are masters at not only recreating the same plays and movies and tv shows over and over again, but also of happily watching the same plays and movies and tv shows over and over again. I mean, as long as it was done before, no matter how terrible it was the first time, you're perfectly content to spend your Tuesday nights watching Melrose Place.

You amaze me.

Our first meeting was great. We decided to really start things off with a bang and tackle the first episode of season 3 of Mork & Mindy - you know, the one where Mork has decided to give up his Orkin ways and try to be more human because he ran out of cocaine? I think it went really well, except for when that guy Joe said this whole thing is stupid and why don't we all go outside instead and throw a ball around or something. He just doesn't get the spirit of the Play-It-Again Sams.

We already have almost 3 million hits on HaLo.

What Is Kirk Cameron Thinking?

It's Snow Day!!!

One of the things about Heaven is that it's perfect weather all the time. It's always 73° F (I will never understand why you guys on Earth are so happy with 72° - it's like being an eighth of a teaspoon short of the perfect amount of marinara sauce for the perfect meatball sub and eating it happily anyway), there are always just a few fluffy clouds in the sky, the sun is always warm but never too bright, and there's just a hint of a gentle breeze wafting by.

Ahhhhhh....

But there are certain Human traits that people retain when they come to Heaven. So, as it is their nature, people always complain about it being "too perfect."

Seriously, I know. But just wait, because you'll do it, too. It'll sneak up on you. You'll be enjoying a peaceful picnic in the Golden Fields and without even realizing it, the words, "It's too quiet" will escape your lips. And then you'll start looking around you and muttering how the all the gold is a little intensely gold, isn't it? And then later you'll be on one of the roller coasters and realize that it is precisely the right amount of thrilling.

The next thing you know you'll be in my office banging your fists on my desk, your face going through several lovely shades of red being settling on a nice mauve, screaming, "IS IT SO HARD TO TURN THE TEMPERATURE DOWN BY ONE LOUSY DEGREE?!"

Yes, you will. You think you won't, but you will.

So, throughout the year I like to remind everyone just how good they have it by having days of alternative weather. Rain Day is the third Thursday in March, Fog Day is always May 9, Heat Wave Day is the first Monday after the first Thursday after the first full moon in August. And today? Today is Snow Day.

Of course, it wouldn't be very effective if these were perfect versions of alternative weather. If Rain Day were just a pleasant drizzle instead of a re-creation of the Great Flood times about 16 thousand, then people wouldn't ever learn to appreciate the perfect weather the rest of the year. If people were still able to see the ends of their own noses on Fog Day, no one would say, "Okay, okay! I'm sorry, God! I'll never complain about the weather again!"

Snow Day is my favorite.

Strrrrrrrike!

It's a popular urban legend that whenever thunder rolls, it's because I'm up here bowling. While the thunder thing is untrue, it is a fact that I love bowling. And, naturally, I'm really good. The last time I went I scored a 312.

I know that down on Earth the highest score you can get is 300, but up here you get bonus points every time you make one of the pins wince.