November 30, 2008

You People Still Believe in Dinosaurs?

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?


Ha! Great joke, right? And you do understand that it’s a joke, don’t you? You get that vampires and snowmen are not actually capable of procreation, right? And that if they were, their spawn would not literally take the form of a medical condition? It’s completely unnecessary for me to explain that concept to you, isn’t it?

Then why in the world do you people still believe in dinosaurs? I mean, seriously. You guys haven’t caught on to the joke yet? You probably still believe in evolution, too. What, you do? For real?

Come on!

I was just sitting around one day, middle of the 16th century, bored to tears. So I started screwing around with some of my Creations; making them bigger, smaller, mixing them with other species, seeing how cool they’d look with spikes, stuff like that. Then I heard the Missus coming and didn’t want her to start harping on me to clean out the garage again instead of “playing” with my Divine Creations, so I hid them in the dirt real quick.

Frankly, I forgot all about them until about 300 years later when you guys started digging them up. I was going to say something right then, but you should have seen the looks on your faces! It was priceless! So I thought I’d let the joke play out for a while, see how long it took before you caught on.

But I never thought it’d go this far. I kept waiting for the light bulb to go off, for someone to finally get it. Then we could all have a good laugh about it. But that’s clearly not going to happen.

Seriously, guys, I don’t want to come across all High and Almighty, but I thought you were brighter than that. You really think there were these giant stupid lizards roaming around all willy-nilly millions of years before I even created the planet? How is that even possible?

It just baffles me that most of you didn’t even consider it was a joke. I mean, I have a sense of humor just like the next guy. But you? You take everything so seriously all the time. Especially when it comes to me. Whenever people bring up Acts of Me they’re talking about disasters — hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, famines. You make it sound like I don’t know how to have a good time. But I’m funny. After all, I created Canada. And Gary Busey.

Oh, and the whole evolution thing. You guys actually think that evolution created the duck-billed platypus? Yeah, right. That one was just a drunken game of Pictionary gone horribly wrong.