April 30, 2009


I bet you guys are pretty excited because the 'Wolverine' movie comes out in theaters tomorrow (Pete showed me a super secret way to get it for free on the internet, so I've already seen it seven times. Sorry, guys, it's just one of the perks of living in Heaven. Someday if you're really good you'll get to come up here and watch movies for free on the internet, too).

You know, if I were to make mutants for real, I think I'd make one that had a psychic mustache. It'd be really really long, and it'd know how to spell. That way, whenever something dangerous was about to happen, the mustache twist itself up to say something like, "Impending Doom!" Because, come on. What would you do if you were a bad guy and you saw a dude with a mustache that spelled "Impending Doom!" all by itself? You'd be scared out of your wits. You've already lost that battle before it's even begun.

April 29, 2009

Heyyyyyyy Batter!

I stopped by Hell for a little visit with Satan today to discuss our upcoming softball game.  I wanted to make sure he understood that this game is going to be clean and fair, unlike every other game we've ever played with Hell.  Admittedly, I'm a bit competitive, and while I admit that razzing your opponent can be a great team-building exercise, Satan tends to take it a wee bit too far.

To tell you the truth, I didn't mind too much when they refilled all of my team's Gatorade bottles with blood.  That was just a little friendly practical joke.  It bothered me a little bit when they filled our dugout with the charred flesh of the gluttonous (it just takes so long to clean out your cleats after stepping in something like that!).  But that time they replaced third base with a pit leading down into the fiery depths of the underworld... that was uncalled for.

April 28, 2009

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

... marrying your second-cousin.

April 27, 2009

I Have A Confession

I don't often get emotional. Sometimes it makes people think I'm cold or uncaring, but that's simply untrue. I care so much that I have to put up a wall in order to keep my caring from getting out of control. You have to be made of pretty tough stuff to have my job. You have to stay focused. Logical. Rational.

I mean, because I know everything that's happening always, I'm pretty much on a constant emotional roller coaster. It's like living in the last 10 minutes of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition all the time. There's a constant barrage of happiness and sadness hitting me 24/7, and if I reacted to it the way a normal person would I simply wouldn't be able to function.

But all that aside, I can't help but tear up a little every time I hear Kermit sing "Rainbow Connection."

April 24, 2009

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt have no other gods before me, meaning that thou shall not follow @Oprah.

April 23, 2009

Do-hay Ou-yay Understand-hay?

Pete and I like to talk to each other in a super secret language we made up so that no one else can understand what we're saying. Sometimes we like to pretend that we're spies and we have to use the secret language to deliver intel about secret missions. And sometimes we just use it to say mean things about Moses without him knowing.

When I got to work today there was a note from Pete in my inbox that said:

Od-gay ~ Euss-gay at-whay? Oses-may ucks-say. Ahahaha-hay! Ove-lay, Ete-pay.

Stupid Newfangled Contraption

The Missus is a big fan of the home shopping network. She loves to see all the crazy stuff you guys are willing to pay just 9.95 + shipping and handling for. Unfortunately, every now and then she sees something she absolutely has to have. I told her that as long as it's not one of those creepy Marie Osmond dolls, she can have whatever she wants.

But that means I have days like today, days when I open to cupboard to get a bowl for my Count Chocula and find something like this:

What the...? What is this thing?!

April 21, 2009

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

... DVRing the fourth hour of 'The Today Show' so you can watch it when you get home from work.

April 20, 2009

25 Things About Me

1. My sandals are size 14.5 US (49 EU).

2. I have three pictures on my desk at work. One is of the Missus, one is of me with Bandit and Pete, and one is of the look Moses' face from that time he came to work and realized too late that the memo I'd sent out the day before requiring everyone to shave their beards was a joke. Classic!

3. My top five all-time favorite movies are Sleepless in Seattle, What About Bob?, Goonies, The Hudsucker Proxy, and Die Hard.

4. My thumbs and my big toes are all double-jointed.

5. I think that if I couldn't be God anymore, I'd really like to be Burt Reynolds.

6. I'm a sucker for Chinese food. That's part of the reason why I made so many Chinese people - there's always someone up here who can whip me up some shrimp lo mein at a moment's notice!

7. Without a doubt, my favorite chore to do is fluffing the clouds. I love to just kind of stick my hands in there and go to work, forgetting all my troubles and just letting my thoughts wander. There's just something kind of therapeutic about it, don't you think?

8. Yeah, about the whole 'global warming' thing... don't tell Al Gore this, it would crush him, but the truth is I've just never had much of a green thumb.

9. The Creation that I'm most proud of is the rhinoceros.

10. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who understands that the Universe is in a very delicate balance. Sure, I'd like to just get rid of spiders, or go back in time and never create them in the first place, but I know that if I did that it would have altered the fabric of the Universe to the point that you guys would be riding to work on the back of giant winged worms. And that's creepy.

11. Very few things bring me as much joy as watching little kids hip-hop dancing.

12. My favorite ice cream is Rocky Road.

13. Once, years ago, the Missus decided to change her hairstyle. I knew she had done it, of course. I know everything. But I felt like I wouldn't be living up to her expectations of a husband if I mentioned it right away. So I waited a few weeks and then said, "Did you do something different to your hair?" She acted like she was annoyed with me, but really she was relieved that it took me so long, because only a the gay would notice a new haircut immediately.

14. Once I let Pete paint my toenails bright pink on a dare.

15. Every 50 years when a new class of cherubs graduate to full-fledged angels, I give the commencement address. I used to put a lot of time and thought into writing my speech, but I've gotten a bit lazy. I've given the exact same one for the last 187 graduation ceremonies. Nobody's noticed.

16. Even though I know everything, you guys still manage to amaze me every day. Mostly because every day millions of you eat hot dogs, which is simply amazing. And gross.

17. My hair and beard weren't always white. I'm a natural blonde, but I thought going white would make me look more distinguished and less like an unshaven surfer hippie.

18. Originally I only created Light, but then I had to create Dark to make it easier to hide from Chuck Norris.

19. There's a Post-It on my bathroom mirror that says, "Smile Today!!!" It's been there for ages, and I don't think I'm wrong to credit my cheerful disposition to that helpful little reminder.

20. I have hidden Moses' staff from him 23,687 times, and it's still just as funny as it's ever been.

21. Sometimes I miss the days when it was just Adam and me.

22. One of Pete's and my favorite games is a little something we call "Reset Button". Basically, we pretend to wipe out the entire human race, but we take turns and pick 10 people each that we'd want to restart civilization. I try to choose different combinations of people every time, but Pete's first pick is always Will Smith.

23. I lost my letter opener, so until I find it I'm using the Flaming Sword that guards the eastern gate of Eden. So I'm trusting you guys not to go near the Tree, alright?

24. My beard is awesome.

25. Despite my infinite knowledge and wisdom, I will never understand why human men insist on wearing pants. Trust me, guys, when you get up to Heaven and start rocking these uber-comfortable robes we have up here, you're all going to kick yourselves for not being cross-dressers while you were alive.

April 17, 2009

Here's A Thought-Provoking Quote

In his book Les Miserables, renowned author Victor Hugo said, "To love another person is to see the face of God." Well, he was French, so what he actually said was, "Pour l'amour d'une autre personne, c'est de voir le visage de Dieu," which, by the way, is a great thing to say to impress the ladies.

No matter what language you say it in, it's wrong. A total lie.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not sit at thy desk and absent-mindedly click the top of thy clicky pen over and over and over and over again while thou thinkest about thy next move on Free Cell, for the constant little click-click-click-click-clicking is certain to lead those around thee straight down into Hell, although who could blame them for killing thee, really?

April 16, 2009

I'm Not Doing It, I Swear!

Thursday is Poker Night.  Pete always shows, and then I usually invite a few guys from all over Heaven, and while they all think it's a big honor to be asked, nobody ever comes twice.  In fact, it's becoming increasingly difficult to get people to play, even though I promise to try really hard to not know what's in everybody's hand.

But sometimes it seems like even when I manage to switch off the omniscience, some sort of mystical magical force wants me to be dealt really good hands.  I mean, really good.  And it must be a truly magical force, because even I don't know how to stop it from making me win.  I don't know what that the force is, really.  Maybe it's The Force, like on Star Wars.

April 15, 2009

You're A Valued Part Of This Team

Sometimes it seems like all I hear is "Why does the world work like this?" and "How come the world doesn't work like that?" No matter how many things I do right, somebody's always got to nit-pick over the teeniest little things that they perceive to be wrong.

Well, rest assured, your complaints don't fall on deaf ears. And after a few thousand years of keeping the Universe functioning perfectly well by doing everything my way, I've been thinking. Maybe I need to be a bit more open to taking your constructive criticisms under consideration.

Never mind the fact that I know everything. I'm sure your ideas about how it should never rain on the day you wear your new shoes, or how they shouldn't build a new coffeeshop on the corner because you were really hoping for an antique store, or how we should take jellyfish and add 3% more water to them to make them just water and therefore easier to get on with, will do nothing but make the world a more pleasant, wet place.

I want you to feel like your input means something to me. So, please, gripe to me one more time about how unfair it is that your windshield got hit by a rock a mere two years after you paid to have it replaced and how that must mean I'm punishing you for something insignificant. In fact, you know what? Here. Here's the Universe. Do with it as you will. You'll probably be way better at it than I am. I'm sure you'll be able to please absolutely everybody all the time.

April 14, 2009

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

... taking the time to stop and smell the roses. The ones you stole from your neighbor's garden when you realized you'd forgotten your wife's birthday.

April 13, 2009

Heaven Has Its Perks

It's the day after Easter, and that makes me realize just how hard I've made it for you guys down on Earth.  But don't worry!  Be valiant, and you'll get to come to Heaven.  And one of the best things about living in Heaven is that we can get marshmallow Peeps all year 'round.

The whole living in perfect harmony thing is pretty cool, too.

April 10, 2009

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not spend thy evening drinking wine and mocking the planet, for I hath spent much time putting it all together and David Attenborough doth a wonderful job of narrating it for thee.

April 9, 2009

Why Am I The Only One In Heaven With A Sense Of Humor?

I thought of a really funny practical joke to do with Jesus - you know, kind of a father/son bonding thing. But he doesn't want to. I'm not going to lie - it hurts. I thought it'd be a really fun opportunity for us to spend a little time together, share some laughs. But he thinks it's 'inappropriate.'

Well, duh, Jesus. That's what makes it funny.

It's not like I wanted him to do anything embarrassing, like streak through the Golden Fields again. I just wanted him to go crash a really orthodox Jewish family's Passover Seder and plop himself down in the empty seat. Then when everybody looks shocked he'd just smile and ask, "Which one of ya'll killed me?" Then take a long sip of wine and just wait for somebody to pass out. It'd be so funny!

April 8, 2009

Question Box!!!

Is there life on other planets?

Of course. But it's not exactly like what you have on Earth. Earth is the only one with humans. As you know, I created Man after My Own Image. Well, Creating stuff is difficult at best. There was a bit of a learning curve involved. So the other planets were practice planets, if you will. This is why aliens always look a little weird - have you ever seen a four-year-old draw a picture of a person? Even though they know what humans look like, they haven't quite figured out how to make their crayon sketches look human-shaped. It took me a while to get Man just right.

So on other planets are my earlier attempts at creating worlds and habitats to support Man, my Greatest Creation. But don't tell them that - each planet thinks that they're the finished product. But you guys really are. I promise. You're not, like, halfway up the progress ladder, I swear. You're really really ridiculously close to being exactly on the top. And I'm not just telling you that. Really. Next!

Why did you create Lucifer who would later rebel against you?

Yikes. I'll admit it. That was... that was a mistake. I totally dropped the ball on that one. My bad. Next!

I was raised Jewish, and my wife is Episcopalian. Do we get to go to the same Heaven when we die?

You know, I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic. When two people really love each other and really belong together, I hate to see them apart (the third time Ross and Rachel broke up I threw my TV through a wall). So even if two people don't necessarily believe all the same things, as long as they're striving to be the best spouses, friends, and people they can be, and doing what they truly believe will bring them closer to Me, I simply can't justify keeping them apart for all eternity.

In your case, however, your wife's totally going to Hell. But not for being Episcopalian. For adultery. So's your best friend Phil. Sorry. Next!

Hey, God, help me out. I can not for the life of me remember where I left my keys and I'm late for work.

They're in that little basket next to the microwave. Next!

How does this whole thing work?

To clarify for everybody, I know that when Steven emailed me this question he was really wondering how the whole 'one supreme dude in charge of the whole Universe' thing works. I already answered it for him, and here's what I said: I can try to answer it in a way your feeble human mind can comprehend. Basically, what makes "this all work" is a very complex system of levers and pulleys being operated by a flying starfish with seventeen legs. And a purple headband that sings "Que Sera." This is all metaphorical, of course, but I think the comparison will help clear it up for you.

Can't wait to get to the Pearlies to ask God your question? You can email it to him at godhasablog@gmail.com

April 7, 2009

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

... eating the Easter candy from last year that you just found under the couch.

April 6, 2009

My Wife Gets Mad At Me Sometimes

For some reason I cannot fathom, the Missus likes canned peas. One time, to teach her how disgusting they are, I rolled up little balls of wasabi and hid them in her peas at dinner. She didn't speak to me for 237 years.

It was hilarious. Totally worth it.

April 3, 2009

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not pick the sock lint from between thy toes and save it in a little jar so that thou mayest one day use thy toe lint as part of an elaborate scheme to exact revenge on thy ex-girlfriend's current boyfriend, for it will surely backfire in thy face. Trust me on this one, thou art not as clever as thou thinkest thou are, and it will not work.

April 2, 2009

Bandit Is The Smartest, Most Bestest Dog In The Universe!

I taught Bandit a new trick today. Down on Earth, a lot of you guys like to teach your dogs to do things like sit, speak, play dead. Which I find strange and kind of morbid.

So I taught him how to play Undead. He groans and moans and walks around all slow and jerky on his hind legs with his front paws hanging out in front of him and his head flopped to the side and his tongue hanging out.

And he mastered it after only a little coaxing and two Beggin' Strips. Good boy, Bandit!

April 1, 2009

April Fool!

I have to be honest (no, really, I have to) - I am the King of All Creation Including But Not Limited To April Fool Pranks. I love April Fool pranks. I always pull some really good ones, but this year I totally topped myself.

I'm actually thinking of retiring from practical jokes after this. I mean, really. I don't know if I'll ever pull another prank again, because this one was just so amazing that nothing I do in the future will ever top it.

I froze Hell over.

It was classic! I can't believe I've never thought of it before. If you could have seen Satan's face when he woke up and saw a life-size ice sculpture of me pointing and laughing at him standing next to his bed... I don't think I've ever been so happy!