Question Box!!!

Is there life on other planets?

Of course. But it's not exactly like what you have on Earth. Earth is the only one with humans. As you know, I created Man after My Own Image. Well, Creating stuff is difficult at best. There was a bit of a learning curve involved. So the other planets were practice planets, if you will. This is why aliens always look a little weird - have you ever seen a four-year-old draw a picture of a person? Even though they know what humans look like, they haven't quite figured out how to make their crayon sketches look human-shaped. It took me a while to get Man just right.

So on other planets are my earlier attempts at creating worlds and habitats to support Man, my Greatest Creation. But don't tell them that - each planet thinks that they're the finished product. But you guys really are. I promise. You're not, like, halfway up the progress ladder, I swear. You're really really ridiculously close to being exactly on the top. And I'm not just telling you that. Really. Next!

Why did you create Lucifer who would later rebel against you?

Yikes. I'll admit it. That was... that was a mistake. I totally dropped the ball on that one. My bad. Next!

I was raised Jewish, and my wife is Episcopalian. Do we get to go to the same Heaven when we die?

You know, I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic. When two people really love each other and really belong together, I hate to see them apart (the third time Ross and Rachel broke up I threw my TV through a wall). So even if two people don't necessarily believe all the same things, as long as they're striving to be the best spouses, friends, and people they can be, and doing what they truly believe will bring them closer to Me, I simply can't justify keeping them apart for all eternity.

In your case, however, your wife's totally going to Hell. But not for being Episcopalian. For adultery. So's your best friend Phil. Sorry. Next!

Hey, God, help me out. I can not for the life of me remember where I left my keys and I'm late for work.

They're in that little basket next to the microwave. Next!

How does this whole thing work?

To clarify for everybody, I know that when Steven emailed me this question he was really wondering how the whole 'one supreme dude in charge of the whole Universe' thing works. I already answered it for him, and here's what I said: I can try to answer it in a way your feeble human mind can comprehend. Basically, what makes "this all work" is a very complex system of levers and pulleys being operated by a flying starfish with seventeen legs. And a purple headband that sings "Que Sera." This is all metaphorical, of course, but I think the comparison will help clear it up for you.

Can't wait to get to the Pearlies to ask God your question? You can email it to him at godhasablog@gmail.com

Question Box!!!

God, what's your favorite color?

Parsplink. You don't have that color down there on Earth, but trust me. It's the best one. Next!

How do I go about getting you to smite some people for me?

Smiting is very serious business, not to be taken lightly. Plus it's a lot of paperwork. I'm not just going to go around smiting this guy or that guy just because he did something that tweaked your nuggets the wrong way. If you really want to be proactive about it, you've got to get organized! Find a large group of people who would also like to see said nuisance get theirs, and sign a petition or something. Show me you're really committed to seeing somebody get smot, and I'll take it under advisement. Next!

Remember when you took all those internet personality tests?

Yes.

Well, remember the one that said you would survive for one minute and fifty-four seconds chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor? Um... you're God. Shouldn't you survive forever?

First of all, dinosaurs aren't real. I don't know how many times I have to tell you guys that. Second of all, don't you think that I, God, as the Master and Creator of the Universe, the All-Powerful and All-Knowing God That Is God That Is Me, would be capable of creating a monster that could kick my own ass if I wanted to?

Besides, I'd like to see YOU survive for nearly two minutes. Those things are crazy dangerous! Next!

Any tips on how to get ketchup stains out of a silk shirt?

No, but here's a tip - if you're in a place fancy enough for a silk shirt, you're in a place that should be too fancy for ketchup food. Next!

What is the meaning of life?

I sent all of you, my precious children, down to Earth for a very simple reason. Population control. See, Heaven used to be really crowded. In The Beginning, everybody was packed in tighter than Oliva Newton-John's bad Sandy pants in 'Grease'. We only have room for so many people in Heaven at a time, so I figured out that if I rotate a few billion of you at a time down to Earth, and not all of you come back because you decide you'd rather be murderers or devil worshippers or Bill O'Reilly, than that gives all of us up here a little more leg room.

At the time, however, I didn't take into account the expansion of the Universe. So now we all have more room than we really need. Turns out, if I'd been a bit more patient, everyone could have lived in Heaven forever. My bad!


Can't wait to get to the Pearlies to ask God your question? Email Him at godhasablog@gmail.com

Question Box!!!

What happened to the Mayans?

They all died. Not that big a mystery. Seriously? You get one question for the question box, and that's what you waste it on? Man, what a moron. Next!

Why do we have dreams?

Dreams started as a way for me to help my servants multi-task - they could talk to me and get their z's at the same time. I mean, you guys spend about a third of your day sleeping. That's valuable time that could be spent worshipping me! But that turned out to be kind of boring, and no one was really getting into it, so I thought if I spiced it up and made the dreams a bit more interesting more of you would want to worship me in your sleep. It kind of skewed off from there. Next!

When a caterpiller becomes a butterfly, is it still a caterpiller? Like, deep down, instead of having an inner child, does a butterfly have an inner caterpiller? Or does the caterpiller just cease to exist completely? I mean, the butterfly was always there because the caterpiller always had the potential to become a butterfly, but is the caterpiller always a part of the butterfly even after the transformation?

You spelled caterpillar wrong. Next!

If you sneeze, yawn, burp, and fart all at the same time, will you explode?

Into a bajillion pieces so small no one will ever find them again. What do you think happened to Amelia Earhart? Next!

Why do you say that cats are evil? I have {insert number here} cats, and they're all sweet as sugar! They're so cuddly and precious and they make me think of happy little rainbows and marshmallow creme.

That's because cats are astonishingly cunning evil creatures. Remember how Satan dressed up like a snake to tempt Eve? Originally he was going to go as a cat, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Even he wouldn't sink that low. That's right. Satan. Satan himself thought that appearing as a cat would make him look bad. Does that answer your question?



Can't wait to get to the Pearlies to ask God your question? Email him at godhasablog@gmail.com

Question Box!!!

St Peter has this great idea a while ago to install a question box at the Gates. People usually have a lot of questions to ask me when they arrive, so every now and then I go through the question box and answer them.

You know, when I thought up The Scriptures I thought I had just about everything you'd ever want to know covered. But apparently I missed some stuff. My bad.

So I decided it might be fun to put some of the Q & A's (Pete told me that means "Questions & Answers" - sometimes he cracks me up!) on my blog, so you guys can get some answers before you get to Heaven! Here we go:


What's the deal with the dinosaurs?

I get this question a lot, actually, which is why I already answered it here. Next!

Why do we have an appendix?

Oh, well, see, there's a simple explanation for that. The appendix used to attach to another organ called the altivianus, which produced a hormone that made it possible for humans to shoot lightning bolts out their fingernails. Because I was making you after my own image, see. But then after I thought about it for a while, I decided I wanted to keep that power for myself. So I got rid of the altivianus, but the little bit that attached it got left behind. Next!

If you're really a just and merciful God, why do you let mullets happen to good people?

Let me answer that question with a question. Once one aquires a mullet, is s/he still considered a "good" person? Or even, really, a "person"? Next!

Where's Jimmy Hoffa?

You know, I don't really know for sure. You'll have to talk to Satan about that one. Next!

Why do dogs and cats hate each other?

Because cats are evil. OMMe, I hate cats. If it were up to me, I would have wiped them off the face of the planet years ago. But Moses went off about how that would screw up the planetary ecosystem and blah, blah, blah. I know he's right, which is why I haven't done it, but come on, killjoy! Stupid Moses.


Can't wait until you get to the Pearlies? Email God your questions at godhasablog@gmail.com