Guest Blogger: The Bandit Edition

Bark!

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving!

As you know, I usually don't pay much attention to my Canadian children.

It's not that I love them any less, it's just.... well, they're boring. And they rarely get into trouble, so it's not like I have to keep my eye on them every waking second. Not that I don't occasionally appreciate that. It's kind of like I'm one of those moms with 195 children at the grocery store, and they're all off in a million directions. Italy is crawling on the floor trying to look up ladies' skirts, America is pelting passersby with pistachios out of the bulk bins, Japan is building a robot out of bananas and a jar of mayonnaise to try to get one of those giant bouncy balls out of the net thing, and Belgium keeps falling down as it tries to run past the end of its monkey-backpack-child-leash.

But Canada? Canada is holding on to the side of the cart with one hand and casually reading the nutrition label on a box of bran flakes.

I mean, it has its benefits, don't get me wrong. But it also means that I never get to ground Canada or send it to its room without dinner or tell it that it can yell and scream and cry all it wants to but there's no way I'm letting it leave the house in that outfit, which as you all know is the greatest part of being a parent.

The power.... ohhhhh, the power....

But as I'm sure you remember (and if you don't, you can refresh your memory by clicking here - just be sure to repent later for your forgetfullness), Bandit is Canadian. And this is his first Canadian Thanksgiving since he came to Heaven.

Almost everybody feels a little Earth-sick on the first big holiday they spend in Heaven. So the Missus and I decided to make an all-out Canadian Thanksgiving for Bandit to make him feel better. The Missus is cooking a delicious turkey with all the fixings, Bandit and I are going to watch the Calgary/Montreal game later (I promised not to tell him who wins ahead of time), and then we're going to play a little hockey after dinner.

By the way, the house smells SOOO GOOOD right now. I think the smell of all that Canadian Thanksgiving food is really taking him back. And later, when we sit down to this deliciously aromatic feast and say, "No, Bandit, this is people food. It's not for you. Eat your kibble," it'll really feel like home.

I'm Sorry You Feel That Way

Today sucks.

First, I slept in. Luckily I was able to miracle Time so that I still got to work on time, but it threw me off for the rest of the day.

Second, there's a big debate going on in Heaven right now and my two best friends are on opposite sides of it. It seems some people think the rule about pets and animals having their own Heavens needs to be changed, and that we should all get to live in the same Heaven. Pete's on the side that says the rule is there for a reason and shouldn't change, but Bandit thinks everyone should get to live together. I understand where they both are coming from, but when it all comes down to it I'm going to have to side with one of them. And that's just not cool.

Third, a lot of people are using the Animal Heavens debate to bring up the cat issue. Which means that a lot of people are getting mad at me for telling the truth about cats. Which is that they're vile. And even though I tell these people that it's okay if they like cats, and that I won't keep them out of Heaven for it, they still seem to think it's important that I like cats, too.

Okay, look. I understand how you get angry when you feel like I'm not on your side about something. But it's impossible for me to please everybody all the time. That's one of the hardest things about my job - having to do what's right even when it means people get mad at me. So while I know some of you are still going to get mad at me over the whole cat thing, and that some of you will be mad over whatever we end up deciding about the Animal Heavens, just know that I'm doing the best I can. Try not to be so vicious, mmkay?

So it feels like the whole Universe is fighting right now. Things are getting very tense. Let's all find something we can unite in. Post your suggestions for your favorite Universal Truth That Everyone Can Agree To.

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

Yesterday I thought it would be a fun treat for Bandit if I took him for a visit to Dog Heaven. It's been a while since he's been properly sniffed.

Like always, there were a lot of people in Dog Heaven, visiting their old beloved pets. After a while, Bandit had had his full of fun and we decided to leave. As we were walking past the Pearly Fire Hydrant, we saw a couple of people trying to sneak their dogs back into Regular Heaven!

Well, that just won't do. There are rules about that. So I stopped them and confronted them about it. They mumbled something about how it was unfair that I got to keep Bandit in Heaven but I wouldn't let them keep Mr. Fluffikins. I explained to them that there's a perfectly good reason for it, and that reason is that Bandit is awesome and Mr. Fluffikins is not.

Today when I got to work I had 16,427 emails from people asking me to consider changing the Pet Heavens policy. Apparently the people I stopped yesterday had spread the word and started up petitions. I've been absolutely flooded with requests to reconsider, or to at least put it to a vote to see what everybody else wants. So now I have a big decision to make.

I tend to get kind of anxious about change. The last time I changed one of the laws in Heaven was nearly two hundred years ago, when I made it officially illegal to wear socks with sandals.

Bandit Is The Smartest, Most Bestest Dog In The Universe!

I taught Bandit a new trick today. Down on Earth, a lot of you guys like to teach your dogs to do things like sit, speak, play dead. Which I find strange and kind of morbid.

So I taught him how to play Undead. He groans and moans and walks around all slow and jerky on his hind legs with his front paws hanging out in front of him and his head flopped to the side and his tongue hanging out.

And he mastered it after only a little coaxing and two Beggin' Strips. Good boy, Bandit!

We Play Lots Of Games In Heaven

Sometimes Bandit and I like to play Marco Polo. Only we have to modify it slightly, because Bandit doesn't speak Human. So when we play, instead of me shouting 'Marco!' and Bandit answering 'Polo!', it goes a little something like this:

I say, "Bandit!"

Bandit says, "Bark!"

I say, "Where are you?"

Bandit says, "Bark!"

I say, "...No, seriously. Where are you? I want to go play frisbee."

It's such a fun game!

Go Long!

Bandit loves it when we go out to the Fields of Clouds and Gold and play Frisbee. It's pretty much just like when you guys play Frisbee with your dogs down on Earth, except because it's Heaven, our Frisbee tastes like a ribeye.

Which was a great idea, if I do say so myself. It really makes all that time Bandit and I spent learning to catch it in our mouths worth it.

Deep Thoughts

Earlier today I got to thinking about Bandit. I wondered if maybe I was being selfish by keeping him. Maybe he'd be happier in Dog Heaven instead of Regular Heaven. He'd have other dogs to play with and all the chew toys and fire hydrant-shaped clouds he could ever want.

Plus, maybe I'm setting a bad example for everybody else up here. I don't let anybody else keep their dead dogs - they have to visit Dog Heaven to see Sparky or Fluffles. Maybe it really would be for the best if I sent Bandit to Dog Heaven.

Thinking about all this made me sad. So I decided to think about Britney Spears' song "Womanizer" instead.

Womanizer, woman-womanizer, you're a womanizer...

Whoa...

I just had the biggest sense of deja vu. I was just walking back to my throne with Bandit after a nice lunch break (we got Chinese - Bandit sure loves chow mein!) and all the sudden it struck me like a brick in the face. It felt like... well, like a brick in the face.

Although in actuality it wasn't a brick but a cherub who wasn't paying attention to where it was going. Hurt like the dickens.

But as my face was throbbing with pain, all I could think was, "Why do I feel like this has happened before?" I'm pretty sure I've never had a naked flying baby's butt smashed against my cheek while I was walking with Bandit and digesting some Kung Pao chicken before. But I still had this strong sense of deja vu. It was eerie.

Monikers

Remember Bandit? Turns out, he's, like, the best dog ever. That poor dumb canook kid is really missing out. I know it's not exactly 'kosher', but I took a liking to Bandit so I've kind of... kept him... rather then sending him along to Dog Heaven. And I don't care if it's against the rules. What's the good of being God if you can't have it your way all the time?

Bandit really is an awesome dog, though. He plays fetch and tug o' war with me, and we have so much fun together. But I'm not sure I'm crazy about the name. Bandit? Seriously? It's too commonplace, not nearly special enough for a dog as cool as he is.

So I've been trying to come up with a better name for him. But naming stuff has never been my strong suit. That's why I left it up to Adam in The Beginning to name all the animals and stuff. If it were up to me you guys wouldn't be "humans" but "two-legged furless things that can talk". If I'd had to name everything it wouldn't be the "lamb" lying down with the "lion" at The End, but the "fluffy white little knock-kneed oh my Me that's adorable" lying down with the "that guy needs a haircut but check out those teeth!"

So as you can imagine, I'm having a hard time coming up with a new name for Bandit. Any suggestions?

This Made Me Feel Sad

I just got a prayer from this eight-year-old in Alberta, Canada. It went something like this:

"Dear God,
Please help my dog Bandit not to die because he got hit by a car. Bandit and me are best friends and I'll be very very sad if he is dead and can't play with me anymore. Please, God, make Bandit all better and make him so he doesn't die."

Hits you where it hurts, doesn't it? I almost wanted to cry for this poor little kid. It's "Bandit and I are best friends," not "Bandit and me." You poor, poor child. What are your public school systems coming to? It makes me feel so sad to know that you're so dumb.

Oh, and Bandit says, 'Bark!'