You Wouldn't Want To Miss This One!

As you know, I like to take online personality quizzes when I'm bored. I just took one that told me what actor would play me if they made a movie about me. And it was so fun that I called Pete over at the Pearlies so he could take it, too. Then we had Satan and Moses try.

Let me tell you, this would be an awesome movie. In fact, Pete and I are going to start working on a screenplay tonight. We think it will be an action/comedy/drama. We'll have to take a bit of creative license, though, because truthfully there aren't a whole lot of things blowing up in slow motion in Heaven.

So, if you were going to see a movie about modern-day Heaven, this is what you would see:

My result:

Pete's result:



Satan's result:



Moses' result:

God's Blog Ultimate Audience Participation Awesome Essay Contest Spectacular FINALISTS!

Thanks to all who participated in the God's Blog Ultimate Audience Participation Awesome Essay Contest Spectacular!

Now it's time to vote for the winner! Below are the top five essays as selected by Pete and me. I've taken off the names for now, but after voting closes I will give credit where credit is due.

Voting Guidelines:

• Please vote for your favorite essay(s) in the comments section. Just leave a comment saying the number of the essay you'd like to vote for.
• Each individual may only vote for each entry once, but you may vote for multiple entries.
• No votes left by anonymous commenters will be counted. If you do not have a Blogger or Google account, please just select the "Name/URL" option that allows you to write in a name.
• If you still want to vote but don't want everyone to see what you're voting for, you may email me your vote at godhasablog (at) gmail (dot) com. But please leave a comment that says that you sent your vote in that way.
• If your essay has been selected, please feel free to email all your friends and invite them to vote for you. Otherwise, everyone will know that you don't have any friends. And that will just make us feel sad for you. And sad feelings totally defeat the purpose of the God's Blog Ultimate Audience Participation Awesome Essay Contest Spectacular!
• Voting will run until next Friday, September 18. The grand-prize winner will be announced on Saturday the 19.

In no particular order, here are the top 5 entries!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ESSAY #1

God is awesome because He has an awesome beard that I suspect could cure world hunger. How many "lost" skittles could one awesome beard hold??? Enough to feed a nation, I think. I bet that's where all "last year's" Easter candy under the couch comes from. Fluffing clouds probably shakes that awesome beard up and wouldn't you know, out drops a chocolate Easter bunny... under the couch it goes. He's all knowing and knows when one might be in desperate need of a little chocolate.

God also created brooms. I know, I know, brooms??? They make housework so much more easier and fun. A sponge just doesn't have the same effect when you sing into it and have you ever tried to dance with a sponge??? Yeah sure a feather duster is almost as good, but it gets too close to your nose, then you suck up all kinds of dust that falls out and have to end up sweeping anyway. I wonder if He got the idea from his awesome beard??.. it sweeps things up too. hmmmm??

For me, though, I think the ultimate reason God is awesome is because of pedicures and open toed sandals. Nothing makes a girl feel better than to look down (whether in shame, humility, or because you dropped something) and see a perfect Hot Pink pedicure staring right back at you. I know open toed sandals have been around quite a while, but the added benefit of brightly painted, wiggly little piggies just makes sandals all that much better. Amen!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ESSAY #2

Rich Mullins was awesome, and he said God was awesome. He even wrote a song about how our God is an Awesome God. Even though I heard that Rich wrote that song when he was pissed off while sitting in traffic. How's he doing, anyway?

God is awesome because even though he allows big fat liars to become millionaires by blaspheming His word and claiming to heal people in His name, he made sure that they would be born with a defective gene that causes them to have bad hair and tacky suits, and then He curses them with wives that look like Mary Kay Ash.

God is awesome because even though most of us never have everything we want, He will always provide us with everything we need. Because all we really need is Him.

The End

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ESSAY #3

Now, I'm not gonna lie, I haven't always been a fan of God let alone ever had the thought that He is, 'awesome.' In fact, I have oft times referred to Him as a,' punk on a power trip.' "Look at me, I can make lightening bolts and control tornadoes." He sounds more arrogant than awesome to me.

But, and there is a but, I have changed my ways.

I'm sure you're all thinking, 'It's the beard. The beard totally changed her mind.' Wrong. I hate beards. Facial hair is not my thing, so I assure you it has nothing to do with His long, probably needs to be combed because there could be birds nesting in there, beard. Maybe you think it's His wit that astounds me. Wrong again. I'm just as funny as God is, which is not saying much. Sure, He has His moments, but c'mon folks. He's hardly the funniest Being around. I mean, have you read Satan's blog? Albeit he never posts I'd dare say he could give God a run for his money.

You see, my conversion to believe God is awesome came about gradually over the last couple years. I've seen my share of tragedy people, and I have also blamed God for 99% of said tragedy. You see, if He is so powerful then he certainly could have seen that whole 'brain tumor' issue coming for me...and stopped it...you know, because brain surgery really wasn't on my do to list and it's a huge pain in the ass. Like, no, seriously, it was not only a pain in my ass but a huge pain in my head. (Naturally)

When I went into surgery, I was told I had a 50/50 chance of life/death. I'm not gambler people. I always lose so of course those just weren't good enough odds for me. I figured I had better start praying STAT. (STAT means NOW)

Needless to say, I woke up after 5 hours of surgery alive.

That, my friends, is why God is awesome.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ESSAY #4

Moses
Sucks
God
Rocks
In the words of the kool-aid man "Oh yeah"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ESSAY #5

What makes you awesome…well the natural inclination would be to name all of the cool things that you’ve done, but you’ve heard that before. “Thanks for the rain!” “Thanks for curing my herpes!” “Thanks for smiting my neighbor’s house with a bad foundation that had to be re-poured. The contractor sucked and they had to stay at a sleazy motel for 4 weeks!”

Again, you’ve heard that all before. So I’m going to discuss your awesomeness in the things that you haven’t done…the things that you’ve just let happen because you in all of your omnipotent power knew that sometimes the *stuff’s got to hit the fan.

1- You could have intervened with Hanson. You could have stopped them from forming. You could have stopped the sales of so many MMM Bopping albums that drove the sane world crazy and the crazy world into a frenzy. You could have eliminated my worst moment in life: That time that I found out that my crush on the Hanson sister turned out to be a misdirected crush on a dude that TOTALLY looked like a chick. I lay in the fetal position for a week weeping, but you didn’t shelter me from the pain! You let that happen, and I’m grateful.

2- Also, you totally could have stepped in and stopped WWII in the prelims. But let’s face it, with no WWII we’d have no: Band of Brothers, Flags of our Fathers, Letters from Iwo Jima, Kelley’s Heroes, A Bridge Too Far, Schindler’s List, Saving Private Ryan, Inglorious Basterds, The Memphis Belle, and countless other GREAT war movies. Likely, with no WWII there would have been no Cold war and hence we’d never have seen “The Hunt For the Red October” either. Thank you so much for letting humanity run its course on this one. Indiana Jones was only cool when he fought the Nazis, and they were a lot better than those “pull your heart out Indian” guys. The cinema appreciates it.

3- Finally, when you flooded the world and you could have destroyed Mosquitoes, you didn’t. I shutter at the idea of living in a world without my blood sucking buzzing friends. If it’s ok with you I invented a word to describe the sound a mosquito makes. Instead of a “buzz” it’s actually a “zizz.” It’s that sound that they make right when they fly into your ear and you smack your hand against the side of your head, spilling the warm A&W root beer that you just poured while sitting around the campfire. My sticky sweater that I brought to sleep in is now a reminder of your goodness and AWESOMENESS. Without mosquitoes my trip to Yellowstone would be all too relaxing, which is dangerous. Thanks for keeping me on my toes whilst in nature. To become too relaxed is to leave oneself open to attacks from bears, wolves, and Sasquatch.

In conclusion: you are awesome because you keep me on my toes, fearing a world full of creepy beasts that devour people, government organizations that steal my money, and bands of “I can’t really tell” gendered people. Keep up the good work. Rock on.


*I would never use the actual term here in your presence.

God's Blog: The Place Where You May Or May Not Matter

As you know, I like to occasionally visit the Twitter. And if you also are on the Twitter, you know that there are approximately 637 billion "internet marketing gurus" on the Twitter who are more than happy to tell you how to use your website to make fake friends.

Usually I just ignore these guys, or send them a little computer virus if they really start to get on my nerves. But there's one thing that they all say which makes sense to me: if you really want people to visit your website, you have to disillusion them into believing that you give a hoot about what they think.

Well, that seems easy enough.

In the spirit of pretending to care, I'm going to hold a contest on this blog. An essay contest, to be exact. I want all of you to write an essay about what makes me awesome. Also, I will accept essays about why Moses sucks. Sound like fun? It gets even better! There will be prizes!

The winner will get to choose their prize from a grab bag that includes things like:

• Eternal happiness!
• The power to fly!
• A Certificate of Achievement!
• The key to unlocking cold fusion!
• A slice of lemon meringue pie!
• Respect!
• A compilation CD of my Greatest Stand-Up Songwriting Comedy Hits!
• The satisfaction of a job well-done!
• A previously-owned car!

Doesn't that sound like something you'd really like to participate in? Also, doesn't it sound like something you want to tell all your friends and family about so that they can also participate and when you beat them you can rub it in their faces? Okay, so here are the rules of the contest.

• All entries must be submitted to my email (godhasablog [at] gmail [dot] com) with the subject line "God's Blog Ultimate Audience Participation Awesome Essay Contest Spectacular!"
• All entries must be between one and one million words in length.
• All entries must be entered by midnight on September 9 (one week from today).
• I will choose the top 5 entries and post them on the blog next week. Then the final winner will be chosen by popular vote by readers of this blog.
• EVERY participant will get a prize for participating!
• Superfluous bold text is encouraged!

Okay, so everybody send in your entries! Remember, your essay should either be about why I'm awesome or why Moses sucks. And even though I already know who's going to win, I promise to not let that affect my decision when choosing the top 5.

It's Not My Fault You're So Boring

A couple of weeks ago, Moses had everybody in the office come to a meeting he'd thrown together about "Office Appropriate Behavior."

OMMe, it was sooooo boring. After about 17 seconds of listening to him ramble on about something or other, my mind started wandering. For a while I thought about how much better office meetings would be if they were more like The Office. So I tried to imagine it was Ricky Gervais up front droning about how harmful gossip can be, which made me think about Stephen Marchant and that funny little cameo he had in 'Run Fatboy Run', and I wonder why they took a taxi to get to the race in that movie because it would have been so much faster to take the tube?, and isn't it funny how they call it a tube in London and a metro in Paris and a subway in New York?, and 'subway' makes me think of sandwiches, but sub sandwiches are named after submarines and not underground trains. Submarines are awesome. You know what else is awesome? Ultimate Frisbee. That game last night was so much fun. I think my favorite part was when -

*CLUNK*

That was the moment when I nodded off to sleep and my head hit the conference room table. Moses used it as an example of disrespectful behavior, to which I said, "Shut up, Moses."

I'm Going To Get Him Back SOOO HARD.

Nobody understands omniscience. Everyone thinks that because I know everything, I know everything. That's not entirely true.

Technically, everything that has, will, or would have ever happened is filed away somewhere in my mind. But, much like you guys, I don't keep everything I know on instant-recall.

It's like if someone asked you to give the dates of specific events in the French Revolution, or to name all the US states in alphabetical order, or to recite the first 10 digits of pi. Provided you didn't blow off school to go eat pizza bagels at your friend Beauford's house on the days your teachers went over those tidbits, you know them all. They're somewhere in your brain.

It's the same with everything you've ever learned - every conversation you've ever heard, every street sign you've ever read, every burrito you've ever tasted. But there's simply not enough space in your instant-recall folder to keep all of this information. And, depending on how organized you keep your mental file cabinets, it could take a lot of time and effort to pull it out. In some cases the information might be buried so deeply that it's nearly impossible to get to it at all.

My mind works the same way as yours, just on a much larger scale. My instant-recall folder is about 16.7 uberjillion times bigger than yours, but it's still much too small to hold on to EVERYTHING I know. This is what makes it possible for me to temporarily forget things, even though deep down I still know them.

People that know me well, that spend a lot of time with me, know the kind of information that gets placed in the instant-recall folder and what kind gets buried somewhere way in the back of my mind in the dark corner next to the broken coffee machine. And, unfortunately, Moses is one of those people who knows me well.

He got tired of all the pranks Pete and I play on him, so he decided to play one on me. A big one. Because he knows that I'm not the most technologically savvy (meaning, I'm not a nerd like him), Moses decided to exact his revenge by sabotaging my blog.

How.

Dare.

He.

!!!

He somehow hacked into my web host and messed around with my settings so I can't update my new website, www.godhasablog.com. And because all the technical knowledge is buried in the back of my mind, I haven't been able to fix it yet. But now I finally figured out how to get back onto this blog, so I guess I'll update here for a while until I find the other knowledge.

I have to admit, though, I haven't been looking too hard for it. Instead, I've been investing the majority of my time searching for the most absolutely perfect way I can get back at Moses.

Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?

I am sooo behind on answering prayers. It's actually one of my favorite parts of the job, but it's so time-consuming that I tend to put it off and put it off and put it off while I do other small projects until my inbox is absolutely overflowing.

Luckily, seeing as how I'm Me, I can answer prayers retroactively. Just because I didn't get your prayer about helping your sick sister get better until today doesn't mean that I didn't answer it last week.

It's a good thing my answers aren't subject to the constraints of time. I don't remember the last time I was caught up enough to answer prayers as they came in. I mean, I could easily keep up with all of it, but I don't really want to. Mostly this is because I like to keep just enough stuff piled in my inbox so that when Moses comes in wanting to 'chat' I can just cast a meaningful "I'm really busy" kind of glance at the big pile waiting for me and he won't stay as long.

Your Laws Are Funnier Than Mine

You totally crack me up. Although I did give you a few rules and guidelines, I've pretty much left it up to you to figure out how to run your own lives. And occasionally the rules and laws you've put in place for yourselves can be a little bit ridiculous. Sometimes the things you come up with.... I mean, who thinks of stuff like that? I'm telling you, you are an endless source of entertainment for me.

For example, today I spent a full 26 minutes laughing hysterically over the fact that in Scotland it is illegal to be drunk while in possession of a cow. I mean, somebody had to actually sit down, form the conclusion that people with cows shouldn't be tipsy, consider it enough of a hazard that it should be enacted into a law, and convince enough local lawmakers that it was important enough to be written down and made official.

No joke, when I came up with the Big 10 I pretty much winged it. To be honest, Moses had asked me to do it weeks before, and we had that meeting on Mount Sinai scheduled, but when he showed up I had completely forgotten about it. So I scratched something down on some tablets I had lying around really fast just so he wouldn't get all fussy about it. When he got back down the mountain and actually took a moment to read them, he was soooo pissed to see that I had just written "Moses sucks" ten times that he threw them on the ground and smashed them.

So, when he came back to get them for real, I let him help me with the wording so he'd feel important (I told you a little about that here). In retrospect, I never should have done that. It completely went to his big fat head.

I wish he had a sense of humor, because then the Big 10 could have been an absolute riot. Like the drunk with a cow law. I could have done some really good ones. And I would have left number 8 as "Moses Sucks." And probably number 9, too.

We Work Hard And Play Hard Around Here

Moses showed up to work on Friday wearing a Hawaiian-print robe. He said he thought it'd be fun if we had "Hawaiian Robe Friday" once a month.

You know what I decided would be fun? Telling everybody else in the office that today was "Leave a Random Item in Moses' Cubicle Monday" and watching his head turn purple and quiver with anger when at the end of the day nobody claimed the Lituanian flag or pet rock.

Do-hay Ou-yay Understand-hay?

Pete and I like to talk to each other in a super secret language we made up so that no one else can understand what we're saying. Sometimes we like to pretend that we're spies and we have to use the secret language to deliver intel about secret missions. And sometimes we just use it to say mean things about Moses without him knowing.

When I got to work today there was a note from Pete in my inbox that said:

Od-gay ~ Euss-gay at-whay? Oses-may ucks-say. Ahahaha-hay! Ove-lay, Ete-pay.

I Will Never Understand Moses

I think maybe I've given some of you the wrong impression with the way I talk about Moses on this blog. The Missus pointed out to me that perhaps I've come across as a bit cruel, and she asked me to make a clarification.

While it's true that I have a difficult relationship with Moses, mostly because how can I possibly be expected to understand somebody who turns up the volume every time Patrick Swayze's "She's Like the Wind" comes on?, he is still one of my children. Even though he's fairly stupid and annoying and he doesn't comb his beard very stylishly, I still Created him and gave him Life.

Therefore, I am contractually obligated to love him just like I love everybody else. It's one of those laws of the Universe that I can't break. No matter how much I want to.

Oh, and how I want to.

You Should Be Me-Fearing People

When Rodney Dangerfield got to Heaven, I asked him to come into the office for a little chat. "Rodney," I said, "I think you and I have something in common."

"What's that, God?" he asked.

"Just like me, you know what it's like to have people disrespect you," I said.

"..." he said.

"You know, 'I get no respect!'" I said.

"You do get that that was a joke, right? People are really quite fond of me." he said.

"Get out of my office, Rodney," I said.

Sometimes I think people forget that they're supposed to both love me and fear me. Most of you have a pretty good grasp on the love part, but you're lacking in the fear department.

I blame Moses. He had this grand idea years and years ago that it would be great PR for me to try to appear more lovable. He said there are only two ways it can go for a guy who has a crazy long beard that waches you when you sleep - you can either be a creepy serial killer-slash-stalker or you can be Santa Claus. So we went with Santa Claus.

And it worked for a while, but now I think I'd really like to lean more on the "fear" angle.

OMMe! Now I Get It!

I can't believe it took me so long to figure it out.

MOSES IS HARRY POTTER!

Okay, let me back up. Somebody just twittered this link which shows how the first Harry Potter movie is just like the first Star Wars movie. And it got me thinking. What other stories are like Harry Potter? Then it struck me! Moses!

Think about it. Both of their mothers saved them from somebody trying to kill them as babies. They were both put in baskets and raised in a family that already had a son about their age. They were both told by huge dudes with awesome beards (though mine is way thicker and fluffier than Hagrid's) that they were destined to be something more. Both of them then left their adopted families to be with people like them. They both wore robes. They both got magic sticks that made all sorts of cool stuff happen. They both did crazy stuff with snakes. They both ended up saving everybody from an evil villain who used a fancy title instead of his real name.

The similarities are uncanny! No wonder Moses thinks he's so cool.

Old Technology Is Still 'Technology', Moses

I really think it's important that we here in Heaven do everything we can to make sure we truly understand what you guys are dealing with down on Earth. I don't want anyone to lose touch with what we're doing, after all. It's all in the details. Which is why we live in houses and wear clothes and instantly teleport ourselves to work every day, just like you.

One of the things about being in charge of PR here in Heaven is that Moses has to keep up to date with all the latest fads down on Earth. That's part of why I gave him the job, because Me + Technology = Me Being Confused By Technology And Just Miracling My Way Out Of It.

That's why Moses told me to start this blog - eight years ago. When I told him that I was starting it for real a few months ago (I do things in My Own Time), he told me that blogs are "totally passé now." To which I said, "Shut up, Moses."

He's always wanting us to get the latest and greatest gadgetry up here. I don't know how many times I've told him that I want us to use all the typical stuff that you guys use on Earth, and not the newfangledly stuff that only the super rich white geeks can afford. But still, he persists.

Like the other day, he said he thought we should get a high definition flatbed scanner. I asked him what it does, and he gave me a bunch of mumbo jumbo about digitizing our old files and going green and all that stuff.

"What?" I said.

"Sigh," Moses said. "Basically, it's like taking a picture of a piece of paper and making a copy that you can keep in the computer."

"Like a Ditto machine?"

Then he just walked away. Probably because he realized how silly he was being. Everyone knows that Ditto sheets are purple, not green. And you can't keep them in the computer because all the wires get in the way.

I Think I Need a New Slogan

The other day, Moses was complaining that I don't give him enough work to do. He said he feels "unappreciated", and that his "talent" is being "wasted." Whatever.

So I said fine, Moses, since you're the head of PR, why don't you figure out a way to revamp my entire image? Come up with a few ideas and pitch them to me next Friday.

I figured it'd keep him busy enough that he'd stay out of my beard for a week or so, and then I could just reject any ideas he gives me and start the whole thing over again. But I started thinking about it, and maybe it really would be a good idea to tweak my public persona. So I'm trying to come up with a new slogan for myself - something catchy and memorable that really defines me.

Any ideas?

New Year's Resolutions!

This morning I went around and asked everybody to write down one or two of their New Year's Resolutions so I could post them on my blog. Here's what I got.

Pete says:

In 2009 I resolve to master the art of juggling fire. No, chainsaws. NO, chainsaws on fire.

Satan says:

In 2009 I resolve to get our damn towel warmers back.  And to never loan any of my sporting equipment to God again.

Moses says:

In 2009 I resolve to stop being such a moron.

And finally, in 2009 I, God, resolve to be a bit more diligent in making sure I'm sending the right blessings to the right people even when they have shockingly similar names.  Sorry, Joan and John Cusack!  It won't happen again!

Brrrrrrrr!

OMMe! It's freezing in here today! And you know why? Because Moses keeps messing with the thermostat.

I don't know how many times I've told him - I like it a toasty 86 degrees. It makes me feel warm and sleepy and relaxed, which is when I'm my most productive. But it seems like every time I turn around Moses has cranked it all the way down to 72!

He says 86 is way too high; in fact, he said it was "hotter than Hell" up here. I made him a bet that he was wrong, and that is is way hotter in Hell, so I emailed Satan to confirm it for me.

Dear Satan,

Moses and I are having a bit of a spat about the thermostat
here in Heaven. He keeps turning it down because he thinks I keep it as
hot as Hell up here. I've told him that isn't true, and then I bet him he
was wrong. So tell me, what temperature is it down there? (And please
say it's hotter than 86 degrees, or else I have to tell Moses where I hid his
staff). Thanks a bundle!

Love, God

Here's what Satan wrote back:

Dear God,

If you'd quit playing with the damn thermostat, maybe we wouldn't
behaving such problems down here. Whoever drew the 'line' was smoking a
bowl. The thermostat, is of course, on YOUR SIDE. You leave me with
the garbage cans, the gutter,and half a bathroom.

Satan

So apparently Satan's a bit mad at me because Hell's freezing over. I told him it's not my fault, it's Moses', but I don't think he believes me.

Technically, does this mean I lost my bet? I hope not, because I was really looking forward to making Moses show up naked to work tomorrow. Then we'll see just how cold it is in here.

No, You May Not Has Cheezburger

I never really wanted to make cats in the first place, but the Missus isn’t really a dog person. She nagged me for five straight days to create her a new pet until I finally caved.

She wanted something cuddly and cute that would pee in a box and not on her favorite rug. I reminded her that there must be opposition in all things, so as a tradeoff for being housetrained her new pet would be emotionally deranged. So on the sixth day I created Cat. Among other things.

It’s probably my greatest regret. Oh, not the big cats – lions and leopards are pretty cool, and think I did a pretty good job with the cheetahs. But house cats… sheesh.

I just don’t understand why you people love them so much. I can’t STAND the little varmints, yet you guys can’t seem to get enough of them. Trust me; cats do not deserve the kind of love you give them. They certainly don’t love you back. They’re selfish and mean, they’re not loyal, and they’re completely apathetic to all the time and effort you put into keeping them alive.

And yet you people just look at those fuzzy little evil faces and lose all sensibility. When I found out the ancient Egyptians actually WORSHIPPED cats, I was pissed. Like, fill the river with blood and kill the firstborn pissed.

Oh, I know. You thought I sent the plagues to punish Egypt for enslaving the Hebrews. But really, they just lucked out on the timing and managed to work it to their advantage. Say what you want about Moses, but you can't deny the guy has a gift for PR. He’s the one that reworded the First Commandment. The first draft said, “Thou shalt not worship cats. Seriously. I don’t care what you worship – make a golden cow or something – just not cats.”

Moses suggested I alter it slightly so people could only worship me. Turns out I liked that idea, so in exchange I gave him permission to tell people that all the fuss with the frogs and locusts was because the Hebrews were my Chosen People. I figured most people would forget about that little fib by the time my real Chosen People showed up. No harm, no foul.

The Egyptians finally gave up worshipping cats a little while later, and I thought the whole fiasco had blown over. At least, until the other day when I was Googling for barbeque tips and accidentally stumbled across a webpage full of things called “LOLCats.”

Sweet gravy, those things give me the heebie-jeebies.

Apparently these LOLCats are EVERYWHERE! All over the internet are frightening pictures of cats saying asinine things in poorly-spelled, inarticulate text. You people actually think this is funny?! Or cute?! You actually invest time and effort into these monstrosities of human existence?!

The Missus loves them. She thinks they’re ‘adorable.’ Just one more reason why I never should have let her talk me into making cats in the first place. I swear to me, from now on, when she asks me to create stuff for her I’m just going to say no. She can nag all she wants, but I’m not going to give in to her anymore. Nope, never again.

What’d she need me to create a new pet for, anyway? What could she possibly get out of taking care of that stupid cat that she couldn’t get out of taking care of me? I mean, look at me! I’m cute. I’m cuddly. And except for that one time, I’ve never peed on her favorite rug. Plus, I know how to spell words like ‘cheeseburger’ and ‘really’.

And then some douchebag started making LOLGods. I’m being put in the same boat as those stupid cats, with pictures of me saying things like, “im on ur mownten upgrading ur ram.” Look, I’m not offended at the context so much as the terrible grammar. But that’s nothing like me at all! I took second place in my third-grade spelling bee! People’s opinion of me is going to get skewed.

I should ask Moses for some PR help to reverse this bad press. Something to show people the real me while still mesmerizing them by my awesome power. I’m thinking maybe I should start a website with pictures of me saying things like, “I Created the Universe” and “Sinners Need Not Apply.” And “Laugh at LOLCats Now, But We’ll See Who’s Laughing on Judgement Day, Bitch.”

Prankalicious!

Hey, help me out. Pete and I need ideas for a really good prank we can play on Moses.

We used to just steal prank ideas from "The Office" because Moses never watched the show. I'll tell you what - when he opened his closet and saw his precious staff floating in a Jell-O mold, I nearly peed my robe I laughed so hard. His face! Priceless!

And the day Pete showed up dressed just like Moses, mimicking his every move, was probably the third-greatest day of my life. No, fourth. No, third. Pete practiced for a week to get all of Moses' little mannerisms right, and when he started telling this story about floating down a river in a basket as a child I had to literally bite my tongue to keep from laughing.

But then somebody stupidly mentioned "The Office" when Moses was within earshot, so he figured out our game. Now we need something really good, that he'll never see coming. If we can't think of anything really good, maybe I'll revisit the burning bush joke. He still hasn't figured that one out.

Turns Out, I Already Had a Blog

You know what I think? I think it was Moses.

He's been telling me for years that if I want to connect with people today, I have to get myself on the interweb. And I ignored it, like I usually do when Moses gets one of his 'brilliant ideas.' Oh, sure, every now and then the guy hits a home run. But for every 'how about you part the Red Sea and we just walk across?' there's a dozen 'what if you created a giant cockroach that could breathe fire?'s.

Still, I wouldn't put it past him to impersonate me in blog form.