August 28, 2009

I'm Very Right-Brained. Because I'm Always Right.

One of my *ahem* loyal *cough* disciples sent me this email the other day.

God -

Hey what's up? Thanks for that favor the other night. You know what I mean. I was just wondering why you don't blog so much anymore? I know you're busy keeping everything alive & running heaven & hangingout with St. Pete. But you used to blog every day. And when are you going to finish the Bible 2 on twitter? Are you going to fix your new website? I mean it'd be one thing if you weren't blogging because you were fixing world hunger or aids or soemthing, but it seems like you're just being lazy. Please don't send me to hell! I just miss your blog. I need more of your word so I can go to heaven and we can play a nice game of badminton together someday.

Oh and I'm planning on doing a little sinning this weekend. Hope that's ok.

I only have one thing to say about this email: Hmmmpf.

Wait, hold on. I just thought of a bunch of other things to say.

I've never been that great on follow-through. The Missus says I'm too easily distracted. I'll be in the middle of a project and suddenly get a great idea for a new project, and forget to finish the first. Of course, when I'm working on the second one I'll get a brilliant flash of inspiration for a third, and so on and so on. It drives her nuts, because she's incredibly anal organized.

Pete says the Missus and I are so different that way because I'm right-brained. That made me laugh. I couldn't wait to go home and tell her that Pete says she's wrong-brained, but then he said it was something about the brain hemispheres and cortex and all this stuff I vaguely remember coming up with from back when I created Life so many thousands of years ago.

But Pete's right. I'm very creative. In fact, I'm Creative. I'm the ultimate Creative being. So because I spend so much time and energy Creating things, I don't have a lot of time and energy to sit around and make sure those things I created are working efficiently. I mean, just look at your digestive system. Those things are nothing like I originally imagined. I was going to Create something sooo much better, but then I had this crazy idea to give you all wings and dropped your intestines to work on that instead. Which, by the way, ended up not panning out, anyway.

Look, I know you guys really need this blog. Trust me. I know how much you need it more than you know you need it. So I'm going to try really hard to focus on updating it more often. And I already asked Pete to help me work out the problems with the other website. And.... what was the other thing?... Oh, yeah. The sequel to the Bible. Um..... I'm not making any promises on that one.

I'd better tell Satan to brush up on his badminton game. The guy who sent that email is going to need somebody to play against when he gets Down Under.

August 26, 2009

Sometimes I Wish I Didn't Know What Was Going On

It's true. Ignorance really is bliss. Sometimes being omniscient is very much not fun.

You know something is really bad when you ask about it and the answer you get is, "You don't want to know." Trust people when they say this. You don't want to know. Even - no, especially - when they're really just saying "you don't want to know" to try and goad you into begging for answers.

You guys have no idea how good you have it. And that's the way it should be. There are several different ways to truly be happy, but one of the most effective is if you continue not knowing that what you don't know saves you from knowing things you don't want to know. You know?

August 20, 2009

I'm Sorry You Feel That Way

Today sucks.

First, I slept in. Luckily I was able to miracle Time so that I still got to work on time, but it threw me off for the rest of the day.

Second, there's a big debate going on in Heaven right now and my two best friends are on opposite sides of it. It seems some people think the rule about pets and animals having their own Heavens needs to be changed, and that we should all get to live in the same Heaven. Pete's on the side that says the rule is there for a reason and shouldn't change, but Bandit thinks everyone should get to live together. I understand where they both are coming from, but when it all comes down to it I'm going to have to side with one of them. And that's just not cool.

Third, a lot of people are using the Animal Heavens debate to bring up the cat issue. Which means that a lot of people are getting mad at me for telling the truth about cats. Which is that they're vile. And even though I tell these people that it's okay if they like cats, and that I won't keep them out of Heaven for it, they still seem to think it's important that I like cats, too.

Okay, look. I understand how you get angry when you feel like I'm not on your side about something. But it's impossible for me to please everybody all the time. That's one of the hardest things about my job - having to do what's right even when it means people get mad at me. So while I know some of you are still going to get mad at me over the whole cat thing, and that some of you will be mad over whatever we end up deciding about the Animal Heavens, just know that I'm doing the best I can. Try not to be so vicious, mmkay?

So it feels like the whole Universe is fighting right now. Things are getting very tense. Let's all find something we can unite in. Post your suggestions for your favorite Universal Truth That Everyone Can Agree To.

August 18, 2009

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

Yesterday I thought it would be a fun treat for Bandit if I took him for a visit to Dog Heaven. It's been a while since he's been properly sniffed.

Like always, there were a lot of people in Dog Heaven, visiting their old beloved pets. After a while, Bandit had had his full of fun and we decided to leave. As we were walking past the Pearly Fire Hydrant, we saw a couple of people trying to sneak their dogs back into Regular Heaven!

Well, that just won't do. There are rules about that. So I stopped them and confronted them about it. They mumbled something about how it was unfair that I got to keep Bandit in Heaven but I wouldn't let them keep Mr. Fluffikins. I explained to them that there's a perfectly good reason for it, and that reason is that Bandit is awesome and Mr. Fluffikins is not.

Today when I got to work I had 16,427 emails from people asking me to consider changing the Pet Heavens policy. Apparently the people I stopped yesterday had spread the word and started up petitions. I've been absolutely flooded with requests to reconsider, or to at least put it to a vote to see what everybody else wants. So now I have a big decision to make.

I tend to get kind of anxious about change. The last time I changed one of the laws in Heaven was nearly two hundred years ago, when I made it officially illegal to wear socks with sandals.

August 12, 2009

Maybe It's Time To Lower Your Expectations

I always feel a little bit bad for the people who come up here expecting to see the friends and family that came before them waiting at the gates. I mean, in the entire History of Time, I've only seen that happen twice. And both times it was really weird and awkward.

It's the whole "eternity" concept. Even though your family and friends haven't seen you in a while, and they know you're coming, there's no real rush. They're going to have FOREVER to catch up with you. Usually it's at least a few days, and sometimes a few decades, before they get around to welcoming you to Heaven. Really, though, it's nothing to feel sad about. Once you're up here for a couple of days and you haven't seen a single familiar face and you're starting to worry that they're all Down Under, you'll start to get it.

August 10, 2009

I Am So Smart... S-M-R-T!

Let me make this perfectly clear: you guys are pretty dumb.

I, however, am not.

There are so many of you out there who are convinced I don't exist just because you think there are too many 'contradictions' about Me. I get emails every day from people telling me that I'm not real. To those of you I say, "If I didn't exist, why would I have such an awesome beard?" Riddle me that.

Let me tell you a little something-something about these so-called 'contradictions.' 99.9% of the stuff you guys think you know about Me is stuff that other people said, whether in churches or in books or after a few shots of tequila. And, since people are dumb, than most of the stuff they say is dumb. People are always saying that I think this or feel that, or say this or am that. And while most of you are well-intentioned, you're also often wrong.

I mean, let's look at the Bible. Yes, it's a Good Book. But those of you who think it's 100,000% "My Word" have got another think coming. I didn't write it - people wrote down what I said to them. And while a lot of them got it right, some of them.... well, have you ever played Telephone? On a cosmic scale? And, at least one of them just kind of tweaked it here and there to make themselves look better in history.

Oh, yes, and then to that you say, "But God, didn't you direct them to only put what you wanted in the Bible?" To which I answer, "Yes. But you should know from personal experience that people don't always do exactly what I ask them to do." And then you ask, "But if you're God, couldn't you just make them only put what you wanted in the Bible?" To which I answer, "Yes. But if I just made everybody do what I want all the time, what would be the point of having a Bible? What would be the point of life at all?"

So let me give it to you, straight from the horse's mouth: Don't worry about it so much. I am so much more awesome than your puny human brains are able to comprehend. Just be as good as you can and when you get to Heaven you'll get most of the answers you want. But even then it's only most of the answers. You'll never get my super secret shortbread cookie recipe.

Mmmmmm.... secrets.....

August 4, 2009

You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Angry

It takes a lot to make me angry. I know that the OT sometimes seems to be full of references to my wrath, but just remember who wrote the first five books.* Really, I'm pretty even-tempered. I mean, sometimes you guys do things that should make me so mad I'd just destroy the whole world. And by 'sometimes' I mean ALL THE TIME.

But I don't.

The truth is, though, I'm so mellow that people up here often forget just how powerful my anger can be. So when days like yesterday happen, and my temper flares up, it totally freaks people out.

I feel a little guilty about it. I really shouldn't have let it get to me, but I think it was a combination of a lot of things all sort of piled up on each other, and then this one big thing happened and even though I knew it was going to it was just so stupid and pointless and frustrating, that I kind of.... blew up Portugal.

Don't worry, I put it back before anybody noticed. Well, except for that one guy, but nobody'll believe him, anyway.

*Stupid Moses.