August 10, 2009

I Am So Smart... S-M-R-T!

Let me make this perfectly clear: you guys are pretty dumb.

I, however, am not.

There are so many of you out there who are convinced I don't exist just because you think there are too many 'contradictions' about Me. I get emails every day from people telling me that I'm not real. To those of you I say, "If I didn't exist, why would I have such an awesome beard?" Riddle me that.

Let me tell you a little something-something about these so-called 'contradictions.' 99.9% of the stuff you guys think you know about Me is stuff that other people said, whether in churches or in books or after a few shots of tequila. And, since people are dumb, than most of the stuff they say is dumb. People are always saying that I think this or feel that, or say this or am that. And while most of you are well-intentioned, you're also often wrong.

I mean, let's look at the Bible. Yes, it's a Good Book. But those of you who think it's 100,000% "My Word" have got another think coming. I didn't write it - people wrote down what I said to them. And while a lot of them got it right, some of them.... well, have you ever played Telephone? On a cosmic scale? And, at least one of them just kind of tweaked it here and there to make themselves look better in history.

Oh, yes, and then to that you say, "But God, didn't you direct them to only put what you wanted in the Bible?" To which I answer, "Yes. But you should know from personal experience that people don't always do exactly what I ask them to do." And then you ask, "But if you're God, couldn't you just make them only put what you wanted in the Bible?" To which I answer, "Yes. But if I just made everybody do what I want all the time, what would be the point of having a Bible? What would be the point of life at all?"

So let me give it to you, straight from the horse's mouth: Don't worry about it so much. I am so much more awesome than your puny human brains are able to comprehend. Just be as good as you can and when you get to Heaven you'll get most of the answers you want. But even then it's only most of the answers. You'll never get my super secret shortbread cookie recipe.

Mmmmmm.... secrets.....


Valerie said...

Not only all that, but how can anyone dispute a 24 hour breakfast buffet??? Sheesh, some people's children!!

katdish said...

So, did the missus let you do the whole lightning bolt beard thing? Inquiring minds wanna know...

Anonymous said...

I am who exists.