You Wouldn't Want To Miss This One!

As you know, I like to take online personality quizzes when I'm bored. I just took one that told me what actor would play me if they made a movie about me. And it was so fun that I called Pete over at the Pearlies so he could take it, too. Then we had Satan and Moses try.

Let me tell you, this would be an awesome movie. In fact, Pete and I are going to start working on a screenplay tonight. We think it will be an action/comedy/drama. We'll have to take a bit of creative license, though, because truthfully there aren't a whole lot of things blowing up in slow motion in Heaven.

So, if you were going to see a movie about modern-day Heaven, this is what you would see:

My result:

Pete's result:



Satan's result:



Moses' result:

Little Known Fact

Despite popular belief, Satan and I have never played a game of chess.

We rock at Pictionary, though.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt read Satan's Blog, for he hath renewed his commitment to update it as his therapist thought it would be a good emotional outlet for him.

Click Here

Announcement

Today is the six-month anniversary of the start of this blog. I just thought you'd like to know.

Also, Satan lost one of the Hell Hounds, so if you live in Cleveland, keep an eye out. Those things tend to gravitate toward Cleveland, for some reason.

Heyyyyyyy Batter!

I stopped by Hell for a little visit with Satan today to discuss our upcoming softball game.  I wanted to make sure he understood that this game is going to be clean and fair, unlike every other game we've ever played with Hell.  Admittedly, I'm a bit competitive, and while I admit that razzing your opponent can be a great team-building exercise, Satan tends to take it a wee bit too far.

To tell you the truth, I didn't mind too much when they refilled all of my team's Gatorade bottles with blood.  That was just a little friendly practical joke.  It bothered me a little bit when they filled our dugout with the charred flesh of the gluttonous (it just takes so long to clean out your cleats after stepping in something like that!).  But that time they replaced third base with a pit leading down into the fiery depths of the underworld... that was uncalled for.

April Fool!

I have to be honest (no, really, I have to) - I am the King of All Creation Including But Not Limited To April Fool Pranks. I love April Fool pranks. I always pull some really good ones, but this year I totally topped myself.

I'm actually thinking of retiring from practical jokes after this. I mean, really. I don't know if I'll ever pull another prank again, because this one was just so amazing that nothing I do in the future will ever top it.

I froze Hell over.

It was classic! I can't believe I've never thought of it before. If you could have seen Satan's face when he woke up and saw a life-size ice sculpture of me pointing and laughing at him standing next to his bed... I don't think I've ever been so happy!

Saint Patrick Hates Saint Patrick's Day

Most of you have heard the legend that Saint Patrick banished all the snakes from Ireland. This is false. Very false.

In fact, Patty is completely terrified of snakes. We don't have snakes up here in Heaven, but every year on Saint Patrick's Day, I have Satan send some up so Pete and I can hide them all over Patty's office. It's his own fault - he could have nipped that rumor in the bud while he was still alive, but he thought the whole Conquerer of Evil Snakes angle made him seem fearúil.

It's hilarious! He knows it's coming, because we do it every year, but it still totally freaks him out! Sometimes he tries to avoid it by calling in to take a personal day, but I make him come in anyway. Sure, maybe it's abusing power, but what's the use of being God if you can't force anyone to squeal like a scared little girl for your own entertainment?

New Year's Resolutions!

This morning I went around and asked everybody to write down one or two of their New Year's Resolutions so I could post them on my blog. Here's what I got.

Pete says:

In 2009 I resolve to master the art of juggling fire. No, chainsaws. NO, chainsaws on fire.

Satan says:

In 2009 I resolve to get our damn towel warmers back.  And to never loan any of my sporting equipment to God again.

Moses says:

In 2009 I resolve to stop being such a moron.

And finally, in 2009 I, God, resolve to be a bit more diligent in making sure I'm sending the right blessings to the right people even when they have shockingly similar names.  Sorry, Joan and John Cusack!  It won't happen again!

Brrrrrrrr!

OMMe! It's freezing in here today! And you know why? Because Moses keeps messing with the thermostat.

I don't know how many times I've told him - I like it a toasty 86 degrees. It makes me feel warm and sleepy and relaxed, which is when I'm my most productive. But it seems like every time I turn around Moses has cranked it all the way down to 72!

He says 86 is way too high; in fact, he said it was "hotter than Hell" up here. I made him a bet that he was wrong, and that is is way hotter in Hell, so I emailed Satan to confirm it for me.

Dear Satan,

Moses and I are having a bit of a spat about the thermostat
here in Heaven. He keeps turning it down because he thinks I keep it as
hot as Hell up here. I've told him that isn't true, and then I bet him he
was wrong. So tell me, what temperature is it down there? (And please
say it's hotter than 86 degrees, or else I have to tell Moses where I hid his
staff). Thanks a bundle!

Love, God

Here's what Satan wrote back:

Dear God,

If you'd quit playing with the damn thermostat, maybe we wouldn't
behaving such problems down here. Whoever drew the 'line' was smoking a
bowl. The thermostat, is of course, on YOUR SIDE. You leave me with
the garbage cans, the gutter,and half a bathroom.

Satan

So apparently Satan's a bit mad at me because Hell's freezing over. I told him it's not my fault, it's Moses', but I don't think he believes me.

Technically, does this mean I lost my bet? I hope not, because I was really looking forward to making Moses show up naked to work tomorrow. Then we'll see just how cold it is in here.

Arg!!!

What, so now Satan has a blog, too? Damn him! Why must he always try to steal my glory?!

I knew it was a bad idea to send him that e-vite to my blog party.