December 31, 2008
December 30, 2008
... having a crush on Margaret Thatcher.
Posted by God at Tuesday, December 30, 2008
December 29, 2008
You know what's worse than having a song stuck in your head? Having a song from a musical stuck in your head.
You know what's worse than having a song from a musical stuck in your head? Having a song from a musical about a blogging supervillain stuck in your head.
You know what's worse than having a song from a musical about a blogging supervillain stuck in your head? Having a song from a musical about a blogging supervillain that was produced exclusively for the interweb stuck in your head.
You know what's worse than having a song from a musical about a blogging supervillain that was produced exclusively for the interweb stuck in your head? Having a duet from a musical about a blogging supervillain that was produced exclusively for the interweb stuck in your head.
Because your head might just explode from trying to sing both awesomely blogariffic supervillany parts at the same time.
It just might.
Posted by God at Monday, December 29, 2008
I just had the biggest sense of deja vu. I was just walking back to my throne with Bandit after a nice lunch break (we got Chinese - Bandit sure loves chow mein!) and all the sudden it struck me like a brick in the face. It felt like... well, like a brick in the face.
Although in actuality it wasn't a brick but a cherub who wasn't paying attention to where it was going. Hurt like the dickens.
But as my face was throbbing with pain, all I could think was, "Why do I feel like this has happened before?" I'm pretty sure I've never had a naked flying baby's butt smashed against my cheek while I was walking with Bandit and digesting some Kung Pao chicken before. But I still had this strong sense of deja vu. It was eerie.
December 26, 2008
Thou shalt not purposely leave the one last sheet that ist glued down to the tube of cardboard on the roll of toilet paper just so that thou canst claim that thou art not responsible for changing the roll because thou "didst not use the last".
Posted by God at Friday, December 26, 2008
December 24, 2008
Dear (your name here),
I'd like to wish you a very Happy (select from list below*). May all the (adjective) joys of the season be yours!
At this very special time of year, I'm grateful for your (noun), and the opportunity I have had to be your God. I'm looking forward to (gerund-participle) with you next year - you bring the (noun)!
I Bless You, Every One.
Virgin of Guadalupe
Santa Lucia Day
Posted by God at Wednesday, December 24, 2008
December 23, 2008
Here's how it works:
Everybody send me an email telling me what blessing you want and why you deserve it by midnight on Friday. Pete and I will pick the winner at random (and by "random" I mean we'll pick the one we like best) and the blessings will flow!
Not necessarily the blessings you ask for. But blessings of some kind. Guaranteed.
Posted by God at Tuesday, December 23, 2008
... wearing parachute pants.
December 22, 2008
This past weekend was one of our highly successful Visitor's Weekends. It's kind of like a foreign exchange program - every now and then we have a weekend where we welcome souls from the other Heavens or Hell here, and a few of us get to go visit out there. Everyone gets assigned a buddy when they visit to be their kind of personal tour guide, but we do a lot of stuff together as a group. Guaranteed good times for all.
Well, this weekend we took a trip to the Pearlies so all of our visitors could meet Pete. He loves it when we have visitors so he can show them how good he is at juggling. Anyway, as we were getting ready to leave I asked if everybody had their buddy.
Turns out, somebody had lost track of their buddy (three guesses who). We found him not far away, making cloud angels. Which was a little ironic, because he got sent to Hell for being an aethiest. But he was a nice guy, and it really seemed like he enjoyed his weekend in Heaven, and that makes me glad. I almost feel bad that I had to send him back down. Almost.
December 19, 2008
Thou shalt not leave thy shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot when thou has parked a mere three cubits from a cart return bay, thou lazy sack of refuge, else the worth of thy soul will be diminished before My sight.
December 18, 2008
St Peter has this great idea a while ago to install a question box at the Gates. People usually have a lot of questions to ask me when they arrive, so every now and then I go through the question box and answer them.
You know, when I thought up The Scriptures I thought I had just about everything you'd ever want to know covered. But apparently I missed some stuff. My bad.
So I decided it might be fun to put some of the Q & A's (Pete told me that means "Questions & Answers" - sometimes he cracks me up!) on my blog, so you guys can get some answers before you get to Heaven! Here we go:
What's the deal with the dinosaurs?
I get this question a lot, actually, which is why I already answered it here. Next!
Why do we have an appendix?
Oh, well, see, there's a simple explanation for that. The appendix used to attach to another organ called the altivianus, which produced a hormone that made it possible for humans to shoot lightning bolts out their fingernails. Because I was making you after my own image, see. But then after I thought about it for a while, I decided I wanted to keep that power for myself. So I got rid of the altivianus, but the little bit that attached it got left behind. Next!
If you're really a just and merciful God, why do you let mullets happen to good people?
Let me answer that question with a question. Once one aquires a mullet, is s/he still considered a "good" person? Or even, really, a "person"? Next!
Where's Jimmy Hoffa?
You know, I don't really know for sure. You'll have to talk to Satan about that one. Next!
Why do dogs and cats hate each other?
Because cats are evil. OMMe, I hate cats. If it were up to me, I would have wiped them off the face of the planet years ago. But Moses went off about how that would screw up the planetary ecosystem and blah, blah, blah. I know he's right, which is why I haven't done it, but come on, killjoy! Stupid Moses.
Can't wait until you get to the Pearlies? Email God your questions at email@example.com
December 17, 2008
There's a problem with our network up in Heaven today. We've already got IT working on it, but they say it may take a couple of hours to get everything operational again.
In the meantime, rather than having all the soon-to-be recently deceased souls queuing up at the Gates and creating a riot-type situation, everyone who dies in the next little bit will be reincarnated as an animal off the endangered species list. Yeah, that's right. Reincarnation. I guess that's what we get for outsourcing our backup server to India.
So if you're on your deathbed and don't want to come back as a giant panda or a Mediterannean monk seal or something, I'd hold off for a couple more hours. Just until we get everything back online.
Sorry for any inconvenience!
Posted by God at Wednesday, December 17, 2008
December 16, 2008
OMMe! It's freezing in here today! And you know why? Because Moses keeps messing with the thermostat.
I don't know how many times I've told him - I like it a toasty 86 degrees. It makes me feel warm and sleepy and relaxed, which is when I'm my most productive. But it seems like every time I turn around Moses has cranked it all the way down to 72!
He says 86 is way too high; in fact, he said it was "hotter than Hell" up here. I made him a bet that he was wrong, and that is is way hotter in Hell, so I emailed Satan to confirm it for me.
Moses and I are having a bit of a spat about the thermostat
here in Heaven. He keeps turning it down because he thinks I keep it as
hot as Hell up here. I've told him that isn't true, and then I bet him he
was wrong. So tell me, what temperature is it down there? (And please
say it's hotter than 86 degrees, or else I have to tell Moses where I hid his
staff). Thanks a bundle!
Here's what Satan wrote back:
If you'd quit playing with the damn thermostat, maybe we wouldn't
behaving such problems down here. Whoever drew the 'line' was smoking a
bowl. The thermostat, is of course, on YOUR SIDE. You leave me with
the garbage cans, the gutter,and half a bathroom.
So apparently Satan's a bit mad at me because Hell's freezing over. I told him it's not my fault, it's Moses', but I don't think he believes me.
Technically, does this mean I lost my bet? I hope not, because I was really looking forward to making Moses show up naked to work tomorrow. Then we'll see just how cold it is in here.
... naming your firstborn Byron.
December 15, 2008
Remember Bandit? Turns out, he's, like, the best dog ever. That poor dumb canook kid is really missing out. I know it's not exactly 'kosher', but I took a liking to Bandit so I've kind of... kept him... rather then sending him along to Dog Heaven. And I don't care if it's against the rules. What's the good of being God if you can't have it your way all the time?
Bandit really is an awesome dog, though. He plays fetch and tug o' war with me, and we have so much fun together. But I'm not sure I'm crazy about the name. Bandit? Seriously? It's too commonplace, not nearly special enough for a dog as cool as he is.
So I've been trying to come up with a better name for him. But naming stuff has never been my strong suit. That's why I left it up to Adam in The Beginning to name all the animals and stuff. If it were up to me you guys wouldn't be "humans" but "two-legged furless things that can talk". If I'd had to name everything it wouldn't be the "lamb" lying down with the "lion" at The End, but the "fluffy white little knock-kneed oh my Me that's adorable" lying down with the "that guy needs a haircut but check out those teeth!"
So as you can imagine, I'm having a hard time coming up with a new name for Bandit. Any suggestions?
December 14, 2008
I can’t even remember the last time I had some good, quality “me time.” I’ve just been so swamped lately. I got so caught up last Thursday that I nearly missed ‘The Office.’ Thank Me for TiVo, or else that would have really ruined my day.
I’ll be honest, when I took this job I didn’t think it’d be like this. I thought after the whole creating the universe thing I could just stick it on autopilot and it’d be smooth sailing. But you people are constantly making decisions that are contrary to My Plan, and it throws the whole thing out of whack. I’m constantly having to make small adjustments just to keep Earth from barreling headlong into the sun.
And it keeps getting worse. I don’t know how much longer I can keep up, to tell you the truth. All the wars and natural disasters and advances in science are just too much for me. Seriously, I’m considering just scrapping this whole thing and starting over.
Maybe all I really need is a vacation. But I just don’t think I could risk taking a vacation right now. The world would literally fall apart. That hurricane a few months ago? Extended bathroom break. My bad. Imagine what would happen if I took a whole week off. But if I could just take a little break, clear my head, maybe I could figure out a way to fix this mess.
Maybe I could get someone to cover for me. Jesus is always offering, but I just don’t know. He’s so determined to do everything exactly MY way. I don’t know if it’s a confidence issue or what, but it’d be nice to see him take a little initiative sometimes, you know? Show some creativity. Plus, I don’t know where I’d find the time to train him without getting behind on everything else.
Whoa, did you feel that? I hope that wasn’t…. whoops! Oh, well. Nobody’d ever heard of that country, anyway. *sigh* I guess I’d better get back to work.
Posted by God at Sunday, December 14, 2008
December 12, 2008
You know, I've been getting a lot of prayers lately about money. A lot of people are asking me to help them get some so they can pay their bills and buy their kids Christmas presents and such.
I can sympathize with you guys, really. But I'm sorry to say there isn't a whole lot I can do. I mean, seriously, I would just hand out money like free iPods to everybody who needed it if I could, but the truth is, I don't have any. We don't use money in Heaven.
Sometimes I wish we did. It'd be awesome if we had some kind of economic crisis so I'd have an excuse to lay off Moses. But unfortunately, I'm stuck with him forever. I knew I should have read his contract more carefully before I signed it.
Posted by God at Friday, December 12, 2008
Thou shalt not crush the paper wrapper from thy straw into a little ball and then drip Mr Pibb from thy straw onto thy paper wad whilst thou waitest for thy waiter to bringeth thee thy Awesome Blossom, for that art disgusting.
December 11, 2008
This morning I asked Pete if he had finished all of his Christmas shopping yet. Almost, he said. I offered to help him, but he said no because the only person left on his list was me. Then he said that he was having a really hard time coming up with a good present idea for me.
What is he talking about? I'm the easiest person to shop for in the Universe! Pete says there's a lot of pressure involved in buying a present for God, because if I don't like it you're kinda screwed. Whatever, man. Pete's my best friend, and it hurts that he thinks I'm that shallow.
Name one time someone offered me a gift and I didn't like it and things turned out badly for that person. Except Cain, because that guy had it coming. Seriously. Fruit? What kind of offering is fruit? 'Oh, here, thanks for being such an awesome God. Have a mango.' Geez.
You know what the single most frightening feeling in the Universe is? I do.
It's when you see a spider, but you don't have anything handy to squish it with, so you grab the closest cup-shaped object and trap the spider under it so it can't go anywhere while you run off in search of a sandal or a sledgehammer or something (depending, of course, on the size and scariness of the spider), and then when you come back to squish the little monster you hold your breath and count to ten and gather your courage before picking up the cup-shaped object, your fist clenched around the sandal or sledgehammer and ready to strike, but then when you lift the cup-shaped object THE SPIDER ISN'T THERE!
I dare you to think of something more terrifying than that.
Posted by God at Thursday, December 11, 2008
December 10, 2008
Whoa, my hair is doing crazy things today. Seriously, I didn't even know hair could point that direction.
It's a good thing I wasn't planning on leaving Heaven, else I'd have to try to find my hat. To tell you the truth, I haven't cleaned out my closet in months, so who knows where it is!
Posted by God at Wednesday, December 10, 2008
December 9, 2008
... laughing maniacally when your co-worker accidentally staples his earlobe to his face.
December 8, 2008
You know, when I created the Universe, I thought I had it all figured out. I knew this job was going to be a little more time-consuming than I would have liked, but I figured hey, why not create one day every week to be my day off?
So I did. On the seventh day, I rested. And it was all going fine and dandy, until somehow the purpose of My day got lost on you guys. Suddenly what was supposed to be my day off became my busiest day of the week! I pretty much get left alone Monday through Saturday, but then on Sundays (MY days!) I'm completely overloaded with prayers and worshipping and all that jazz.
Thank Me for the Jews. At least they get it.
Posted by God at Monday, December 08, 2008
December 7, 2008
I never really wanted to make cats in the first place, but the Missus isn’t really a dog person. She nagged me for five straight days to create her a new pet until I finally caved.
She wanted something cuddly and cute that would pee in a box and not on her favorite rug. I reminded her that there must be opposition in all things, so as a tradeoff for being housetrained her new pet would be emotionally deranged. So on the sixth day I created Cat. Among other things.
It’s probably my greatest regret. Oh, not the big cats – lions and leopards are pretty cool, and think I did a pretty good job with the cheetahs. But house cats… sheesh.
I just don’t understand why you people love them so much. I can’t STAND the little varmints, yet you guys can’t seem to get enough of them. Trust me; cats do not deserve the kind of love you give them. They certainly don’t love you back. They’re selfish and mean, they’re not loyal, and they’re completely apathetic to all the time and effort you put into keeping them alive.
And yet you people just look at those fuzzy little evil faces and lose all sensibility. When I found out the ancient Egyptians actually WORSHIPPED cats, I was pissed. Like, fill the river with blood and kill the firstborn pissed.
Oh, I know. You thought I sent the plagues to punish Egypt for enslaving the Hebrews. But really, they just lucked out on the timing and managed to work it to their advantage. Say what you want about Moses, but you can't deny the guy has a gift for PR. He’s the one that reworded the First Commandment. The first draft said, “Thou shalt not worship cats. Seriously. I don’t care what you worship – make a golden cow or something – just not cats.”
Moses suggested I alter it slightly so people could only worship me. Turns out I liked that idea, so in exchange I gave him permission to tell people that all the fuss with the frogs and locusts was because the Hebrews were my Chosen People. I figured most people would forget about that little fib by the time my real Chosen People showed up. No harm, no foul.
The Egyptians finally gave up worshipping cats a little while later, and I thought the whole fiasco had blown over. At least, until the other day when I was Googling for barbeque tips and accidentally stumbled across a webpage full of things called “LOLCats.”
Sweet gravy, those things give me the heebie-jeebies.
Apparently these LOLCats are EVERYWHERE! All over the internet are frightening pictures of cats saying asinine things in poorly-spelled, inarticulate text. You people actually think this is funny?! Or cute?! You actually invest time and effort into these monstrosities of human existence?!
The Missus loves them. She thinks they’re ‘adorable.’ Just one more reason why I never should have let her talk me into making cats in the first place. I swear to me, from now on, when she asks me to create stuff for her I’m just going to say no. She can nag all she wants, but I’m not going to give in to her anymore. Nope, never again.
What’d she need me to create a new pet for, anyway? What could she possibly get out of taking care of that stupid cat that she couldn’t get out of taking care of me? I mean, look at me! I’m cute. I’m cuddly. And except for that one time, I’ve never peed on her favorite rug. Plus, I know how to spell words like ‘cheeseburger’ and ‘really’.
And then some douchebag started making LOLGods. I’m being put in the same boat as those stupid cats, with pictures of me saying things like, “im on ur mownten upgrading ur ram.” Look, I’m not offended at the context so much as the terrible grammar. But that’s nothing like me at all! I took second place in my third-grade spelling bee! People’s opinion of me is going to get skewed.
I should ask Moses for some PR help to reverse this bad press. Something to show people the real me while still mesmerizing them by my awesome power. I’m thinking maybe I should start a website with pictures of me saying things like, “I Created the Universe” and “Sinners Need Not Apply.” And “Laugh at LOLCats Now, But We’ll See Who’s Laughing on Judgement Day, Bitch.”
December 6, 2008
You know, just because I'm Me doesn't mean I'm responsible for everything in the Universe. I mean, give yourselves a little credit. You've come up with some stuff on your own that I never would have dreamed of.
Posted by God at Saturday, December 06, 2008
December 5, 2008
What, so now Satan has a blog, too? Damn him! Why must he always try to steal my glory?!
I knew it was a bad idea to send him that e-vite to my blog party.
Thou shalt not force thy neighbors to listen to thy attempts to play the digoreedoo thou picked up in the airport novelty shop on thy business trip to Phoenix (but that thou tells everyone thou wast given by a grateful tribe of Aboriginees that thou rescued from a pack of wild dingos whilst backpacking across the Outback after college. No one believes thee, anyway).
December 4, 2008
Hey, help me out. Pete and I need ideas for a really good prank we can play on Moses.
We used to just steal prank ideas from "The Office" because Moses never watched the show. I'll tell you what - when he opened his closet and saw his precious staff floating in a Jell-O mold, I nearly peed my robe I laughed so hard. His face! Priceless!
And the day Pete showed up dressed just like Moses, mimicking his every move, was probably the third-greatest day of my life. No, fourth. No, third. Pete practiced for a week to get all of Moses' little mannerisms right, and when he started telling this story about floating down a river in a basket as a child I had to literally bite my tongue to keep from laughing.
But then somebody stupidly mentioned "The Office" when Moses was within earshot, so he figured out our game. Now we need something really good, that he'll never see coming. If we can't think of anything really good, maybe I'll revisit the burning bush joke. He still hasn't figured that one out.
I don't actually keep track of every falling sparrow.
December 3, 2008
I totally just kicked Saint Peter's ass in a little driveway one-on-one. I mean, seriously creamed him. I think there may still be a few pieces of his face smeared up and down the court.
Take that, Pete! Who's the old man now? You think just because you beat me at Guitar Hero you have what it takes to challenge me on the basketball court? You think that's enough to take me on in a real man's game?
Who's your daddy, Pete?! WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!!
That's right. I'm your daddy. And don't forget - you totally owe me a milkshake.
Do you ever have one of those mornings where you wake up and the first thing you do is try to justify staying in bed for a little while longer?
Like, you think to yourself, "Oh, I can do one more snooze cycle, I'll just shower extra fast," or "It'll be okay if I'm a little late today, I'll just tell them my alarm didn't go off." I had one of those days today.
I woke up and all I could think about was how I really really really didn't want to go in to the office today. But I knew I had to buck up and just do it. I have a stack of prayers this high waiting to be answered that I've been putting off for weeks, and those miracles certainly aren't going to happen all by themselves.
Miracles are lazy like that.
Posted by God at Wednesday, December 03, 2008
December 2, 2008
I just fixed me some pizza bites in the microwave because I was really hungry and didn't want to have to wait for the oven to heat up. When the timer dinged and I picked one up to pop it in my mouth it burned my fingers! But when I took a bite the pizza sauce that squirted out of the middle was still frozen! It was like a jet stream of liquid ice striking me in the back of the throat.
I hate it when that happens!
Posted by God at Tuesday, December 02, 2008
I was just doing a little omniscing, and I just have to say to Dan Burke of Dayton, Ohio - I'm sorry. Seriously. Your day's gonna suck.
Posted by God at Tuesday, December 02, 2008
December 1, 2008
The Missus and I were totally in the mood to just veg out last night, so I grabbed a bag of Cheetos and we just chilled out on the couch and had a movie night. It was the Missus' turn to pick the flick, and she popped in a little gem called 'Forget Paris.'
Now, I'm not going to lie to you. I love that movie. Remember the part where Billy Crystal goes all crazy and tries to throw Kareem Abdul Jabar out of the game? Classic! And remember when Debra Winger got the bird stuck to her head? Priceless! They just don't make them that good anymore.
Spending an evening with my lovely wife, my favorite snack, and Billy Crystal's comedic genius - it was the perfect night, until the Missus started harping on me about leaving orange fingerprints all over her couch cushions.
Posted by God at Monday, December 01, 2008