No, You May Not Has Cheezburger

I never really wanted to make cats in the first place, but the Missus isn’t really a dog person. She nagged me for five straight days to create her a new pet until I finally caved.

She wanted something cuddly and cute that would pee in a box and not on her favorite rug. I reminded her that there must be opposition in all things, so as a tradeoff for being housetrained her new pet would be emotionally deranged. So on the sixth day I created Cat. Among other things.

It’s probably my greatest regret. Oh, not the big cats – lions and leopards are pretty cool, and think I did a pretty good job with the cheetahs. But house cats… sheesh.

I just don’t understand why you people love them so much. I can’t STAND the little varmints, yet you guys can’t seem to get enough of them. Trust me; cats do not deserve the kind of love you give them. They certainly don’t love you back. They’re selfish and mean, they’re not loyal, and they’re completely apathetic to all the time and effort you put into keeping them alive.

And yet you people just look at those fuzzy little evil faces and lose all sensibility. When I found out the ancient Egyptians actually WORSHIPPED cats, I was pissed. Like, fill the river with blood and kill the firstborn pissed.

Oh, I know. You thought I sent the plagues to punish Egypt for enslaving the Hebrews. But really, they just lucked out on the timing and managed to work it to their advantage. Say what you want about Moses, but you can't deny the guy has a gift for PR. He’s the one that reworded the First Commandment. The first draft said, “Thou shalt not worship cats. Seriously. I don’t care what you worship – make a golden cow or something – just not cats.”

Moses suggested I alter it slightly so people could only worship me. Turns out I liked that idea, so in exchange I gave him permission to tell people that all the fuss with the frogs and locusts was because the Hebrews were my Chosen People. I figured most people would forget about that little fib by the time my real Chosen People showed up. No harm, no foul.

The Egyptians finally gave up worshipping cats a little while later, and I thought the whole fiasco had blown over. At least, until the other day when I was Googling for barbeque tips and accidentally stumbled across a webpage full of things called “LOLCats.”

Sweet gravy, those things give me the heebie-jeebies.

Apparently these LOLCats are EVERYWHERE! All over the internet are frightening pictures of cats saying asinine things in poorly-spelled, inarticulate text. You people actually think this is funny?! Or cute?! You actually invest time and effort into these monstrosities of human existence?!

The Missus loves them. She thinks they’re ‘adorable.’ Just one more reason why I never should have let her talk me into making cats in the first place. I swear to me, from now on, when she asks me to create stuff for her I’m just going to say no. She can nag all she wants, but I’m not going to give in to her anymore. Nope, never again.

What’d she need me to create a new pet for, anyway? What could she possibly get out of taking care of that stupid cat that she couldn’t get out of taking care of me? I mean, look at me! I’m cute. I’m cuddly. And except for that one time, I’ve never peed on her favorite rug. Plus, I know how to spell words like ‘cheeseburger’ and ‘really’.

And then some douchebag started making LOLGods. I’m being put in the same boat as those stupid cats, with pictures of me saying things like, “im on ur mownten upgrading ur ram.” Look, I’m not offended at the context so much as the terrible grammar. But that’s nothing like me at all! I took second place in my third-grade spelling bee! People’s opinion of me is going to get skewed.

I should ask Moses for some PR help to reverse this bad press. Something to show people the real me while still mesmerizing them by my awesome power. I’m thinking maybe I should start a website with pictures of me saying things like, “I Created the Universe” and “Sinners Need Not Apply.” And “Laugh at LOLCats Now, But We’ll See Who’s Laughing on Judgement Day, Bitch.”