November 30, 2008

I'm Thinking About Shaving My Beard

I've had it for so long, I can't even remember what it was like without it. I've forgotten what it feels like to have a breeze dance across my cheek.

But I don't know if I want to go completely bald in the face-region. I think I might have one of those faces that looks weird without any hair. So I'm thinking I'll go for a mustache. Like a really cool, really classy, Burt Reynolds kind of mustache.

You People Still Believe in Dinosaurs?

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?


Ha! Great joke, right? And you do understand that it’s a joke, don’t you? You get that vampires and snowmen are not actually capable of procreation, right? And that if they were, their spawn would not literally take the form of a medical condition? It’s completely unnecessary for me to explain that concept to you, isn’t it?

Then why in the world do you people still believe in dinosaurs? I mean, seriously. You guys haven’t caught on to the joke yet? You probably still believe in evolution, too. What, you do? For real?

Come on!

I was just sitting around one day, middle of the 16th century, bored to tears. So I started screwing around with some of my Creations; making them bigger, smaller, mixing them with other species, seeing how cool they’d look with spikes, stuff like that. Then I heard the Missus coming and didn’t want her to start harping on me to clean out the garage again instead of “playing” with my Divine Creations, so I hid them in the dirt real quick.

Frankly, I forgot all about them until about 300 years later when you guys started digging them up. I was going to say something right then, but you should have seen the looks on your faces! It was priceless! So I thought I’d let the joke play out for a while, see how long it took before you caught on.

But I never thought it’d go this far. I kept waiting for the light bulb to go off, for someone to finally get it. Then we could all have a good laugh about it. But that’s clearly not going to happen.

Seriously, guys, I don’t want to come across all High and Almighty, but I thought you were brighter than that. You really think there were these giant stupid lizards roaming around all willy-nilly millions of years before I even created the planet? How is that even possible?

It just baffles me that most of you didn’t even consider it was a joke. I mean, I have a sense of humor just like the next guy. But you? You take everything so seriously all the time. Especially when it comes to me. Whenever people bring up Acts of Me they’re talking about disasters — hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, famines. You make it sound like I don’t know how to have a good time. But I’m funny. After all, I created Canada. And Gary Busey.

Oh, and the whole evolution thing. You guys actually think that evolution created the duck-billed platypus? Yeah, right. That one was just a drunken game of Pictionary gone horribly wrong.

November 29, 2008

Well, That Made My Day A Little Brighter

Good news, everybody! Oh my me, I am so happy right now!

I just found a Peanut Butter Twix in the back of my desk drawer. I have no idea how long it's been there, but it's delicious!

So that put me in a good mood. Free Blessings for everyone today! Enjoy!

November 28, 2008

Decisions, Decisions

The Missus wants to redecorate Heaven. She wants to paint the walls a kind of a cotton white, but I think we should go with an alabastor white.

What do you think?

Let Me Set the Record Straight

You know, I've been hearing a lot lately about the gay people getting married. The Missus says no one can leave it alone because it's a "hot button" issue. I don't know about that - if I found a hot button I don't think I'd keep picking it up and burning myself again and again. Unless it was, like, a button made out of really hot diamonds. Or Kryptonite. That'd be pretty cool.

Anywho, I didn't pay much attention until I realized that a lot of you were saying that the gay people shouldn't get married because I don't want them to.

Now, wait a minute. I can speak for myself, thank you.

The truth is, I have no problem whatsoever with the gay people getting married. In fact, I fully support it! The gay people are just as capable of love as the not-gay people. If a gay man and a gay woman want to fall in love and decide to get married and make little gay babies together, who are we to try and stop them?

That's what I think, anyway.

November 27, 2008

You're Welcome!

I'm loving this gratitude thing you guys have got going on today. Sometimes I feel really underappreciated, but today...

I don't know, maybe it's something in the water. Or maybe it's something in all that turkey you guys are chowing down on today (seriously, did the grocery stores have some sort of special on turkey and cranberry sauce? Because it seems like that's on EVERYBODY's menu. Freaky). But it seems like you all are feeling pretty thankful about all the blessings I've given you.

It reminds me of something the pilgrims did years and years ago. They all got together with their Indian friends and ate a whole bunch of food and spent the day thanking me for getting them safely to the Promised Land of America. It was so touching - I still tear up when I think about it.

Wow, you guys are really taking me back.

Turns Out, I Already Had a Blog

You know what I think? I think it was Moses.

He's been telling me for years that if I want to connect with people today, I have to get myself on the interweb. And I ignored it, like I usually do when Moses gets one of his 'brilliant ideas.' Oh, sure, every now and then the guy hits a home run. But for every 'how about you part the Red Sea and we just walk across?' there's a dozen 'what if you created a giant cockroach that could breathe fire?'s.

Still, I wouldn't put it past him to impersonate me in blog form.

November 26, 2008

This Made Me Feel Sad

I just got a prayer from this eight-year-old in Alberta, Canada. It went something like this:

"Dear God,
Please help my dog Bandit not to die because he got hit by a car. Bandit and me are best friends and I'll be very very sad if he is dead and can't play with me anymore. Please, God, make Bandit all better and make him so he doesn't die."

Hits you where it hurts, doesn't it? I almost wanted to cry for this poor little kid. It's "Bandit and I are best friends," not "Bandit and me." You poor, poor child. What are your public school systems coming to? It makes me feel so sad to know that you're so dumb.

Oh, and Bandit says, 'Bark!'


Sometimes I wonder if, subconsciously, I put so much effort into creating the universe just because I knew that one day somebody would grow up and invent Toaster Strudels.


November 25, 2008

Patience Is a Virtue

Pete and I were hanging out over by the Pearly Gates the other day when this old guy showed up wanting to get into Heaven. He stood there for about .12 seconds then he walked right up and tried to open the gate himself.

Pete and I watched the guy struggle with the lock for a minute, then I said, "Hey, geezer, what's your hurry?" He gave me some sob story about how he was trying to get to his wife because she'd been waiting for him in Heaven for years and how he missed her so much and blah, blah, blah.

When he was finally done with his story, Pete and I went back to our game of backgammon. The old guy asked if we were ever going to let him in. "Pete's on his break," I told him. Then the old guy understood. Turns out, he was a union man himself, back on Earth.


Apparently, they're just called 'blogs', not 'weblogs.' Who knew?

Hey, Look! I'm Weblogging Now!

I try to be a good Father, keep on top of what my kids are up to. But it's just so HARD. I mean, there are billions of you. And you've got so much going on. And you don't exactly make it easy for me - most of you don't check in as often as you should.

So a while ago the Missus suggested I start reading your weblogs. She said that you guys pretty much put everything I need to know out there on the interweb. I figured it couldn't hurt - I'm not all that 'computer saavy', but I at least know how to use the Google. So whenever I wanted to check up on one of you, I'd put your name in the Google and find your weblog.

After a while, I had an idea that maybe I should start a weblog, too! I mean, it seems like you guys are always wondering where I'm at and stuff. Surprisingly, a lot of you don't even think I exist!

I guess that's kinda my fault. Sometimes I just get so busy trying to run the Universe that I forget to just sit down and talk to you. And when I do talk to you, I usually just assume you're listening - turns out, you're usually not.

So I'm thinking maybe a good solution would be for me to start my own weblog! What do you think?