January 30, 2009

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not resist the urge to spike thy hair heavenward and busteth thy moves whenever thou hearest "Footloose", for the songs of the awesome are a prayer unto me, and they shall be answered with a skip in thy step and a smile in thy heart.

January 29, 2009

I'm Awesome.

You know what? I really love taking those online personality quizzes. Because you know what I discover about myself every time I take one? That I totally rock.

What Superhero Am I?: Supergirl

What's My Perfect Career?: Elementary School Principal or Professional Stunt Driver

What Underwear Am I Wearing?: Boxer Briefs

See? Awesomeness abounds.

January 27, 2009

I Got Mine!

Have you picked up your copy of "Fireproof" yet?

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

... being a thirty-seven year old man who owns the complete "Ramona Quimby" collection.

January 26, 2009

I Have My Regrets, Too

I wish they'd bring back "The Angry Beavers." Remember that show? It was hilarious! One of the beavers was named Norbert. I think that might be the greatest name ever. Heehee.... Norbert.

I'll tell you what, if I could do it all over again, I'd tell Gabriel that when he visited Mary in the garden he should say to her, "Thou shalt have a child, and thou shalt call his name NORBERT."

January 23, 2009

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not take the expression "pedestrians have the right-of-way" to meanst that thou mayest righteously stroll without aim down the middle of parking lot aisles, or that thou mayest take thy dear sweet time crossing at busy intersections when there ist a line of people in automobiles waiting for thee to hurry up and get out of their way so that they mayest make it to their yoga class on time, and why won't thou move?! move! come on! thou hast feet! use them! clearly thou canst see that thou art holding up traffic! oh, for crying out loud.

January 22, 2009

Don't Tell

I had a special prayer request from one of my sons asking that I don't let him find out what happened on "Lost" this week because he had to work and missed it.

So be sure you don't tell him how awesome it was. Oh, and don't tell him about how Hurley got arrested. Or how Sun met up with Charles Widmore to talk about killing Ben. Or how Kate is once again on the lam. Or how Faraday was part of the Dhama Initiative. Or how Locke went back in time and Ethan shot him. Or how Sawyer and Juliette and everybody else got attacked with flaming arrows. Or how Desmond is supposed to go to Oxford to find Faraday's mother.

Really, don't say anything. I'd hate if the surprise was ruined for him.

January 21, 2009

Deep Thoughts

Earlier today I got to thinking about Bandit. I wondered if maybe I was being selfish by keeping him. Maybe he'd be happier in Dog Heaven instead of Regular Heaven. He'd have other dogs to play with and all the chew toys and fire hydrant-shaped clouds he could ever want.

Plus, maybe I'm setting a bad example for everybody else up here. I don't let anybody else keep their dead dogs - they have to visit Dog Heaven to see Sparky or Fluffles. Maybe it really would be for the best if I sent Bandit to Dog Heaven.

Thinking about all this made me sad. So I decided to think about Britney Spears' song "Womanizer" instead.

Womanizer, woman-womanizer, you're a womanizer...

January 20, 2009

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

... checking the box indicating you're a racial minority even though you're not only a white dude, but a really pasty one.

January 19, 2009

I Have a Confession

Don't tell Jesus I said this, but my real favorite son is Kirk Cameron.

Little Known Fact

Most of you know that the Pearlies are not actually made out of pearls. But I bet you didn't know that there is a teeny tiny inscription on the gate that says, "If you can read this sign, you're standing too close!" And that if you stand there trying to read it, Pete will sneak up behind you and give you a wet willie.

January 16, 2009

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not select a butterknife from thy silverware drawer, use it to pry open the airtight seal on the jar of boysenberry preserves that thy grandmother gavest thee, then wipe off the little sticky purple smudge from off its blade with thy thumb and return it to the drawer.

January 15, 2009

I Think I Need a New Slogan

The other day, Moses was complaining that I don't give him enough work to do. He said he feels "unappreciated", and that his "talent" is being "wasted." Whatever.

So I said fine, Moses, since you're the head of PR, why don't you figure out a way to revamp my entire image? Come up with a few ideas and pitch them to me next Friday.

I figured it'd keep him busy enough that he'd stay out of my beard for a week or so, and then I could just reject any ideas he gives me and start the whole thing over again. But I started thinking about it, and maybe it really would be a good idea to tweak my public persona. So I'm trying to come up with a new slogan for myself - something catchy and memorable that really defines me.

Any ideas?

January 14, 2009

Question Box!!!

What happened to the Mayans?

They all died. Not that big a mystery. Seriously? You get one question for the question box, and that's what you waste it on? Man, what a moron. Next!

Why do we have dreams?

Dreams started as a way for me to help my servants multi-task - they could talk to me and get their z's at the same time. I mean, you guys spend about a third of your day sleeping. That's valuable time that could be spent worshipping me! But that turned out to be kind of boring, and no one was really getting into it, so I thought if I spiced it up and made the dreams a bit more interesting more of you would want to worship me in your sleep. It kind of skewed off from there. Next!

When a caterpiller becomes a butterfly, is it still a caterpiller? Like, deep down, instead of having an inner child, does a butterfly have an inner caterpiller? Or does the caterpiller just cease to exist completely? I mean, the butterfly was always there because the caterpiller always had the potential to become a butterfly, but is the caterpiller always a part of the butterfly even after the transformation?

You spelled caterpillar wrong. Next!

If you sneeze, yawn, burp, and fart all at the same time, will you explode?

Into a bajillion pieces so small no one will ever find them again. What do you think happened to Amelia Earhart? Next!

Why do you say that cats are evil? I have {insert number here} cats, and they're all sweet as sugar! They're so cuddly and precious and they make me think of happy little rainbows and marshmallow creme.

That's because cats are astonishingly cunning evil creatures. Remember how Satan dressed up like a snake to tempt Eve? Originally he was going to go as a cat, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Even he wouldn't sink that low. That's right. Satan. Satan himself thought that appearing as a cat would make him look bad. Does that answer your question?

Can't wait to get to the Pearlies to ask God your question? Email him at godhasablog@gmail.com

January 13, 2009

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

... giving your little brother a Purple Nurple.

January 12, 2009


I was just checking my email and my fingers slipped when I was typing in my username, so instead of "godhasablog" I accidentally wrote "godgasablog".

So then I was re-typing it and chuckling to myself about my silly mistake, and I guess my brain was a little preoccupied with the mistake word "gas" because the second time I accidentally entered it as "godhasagas".

Hahahahaha! Get it? It's like I'm saying I have gas!

I told you I was funny.

January 9, 2009

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not clip thy finger or toe nails in any room where thou regularly entertainest company, or preparest thy food, or eateth thy sandwiches, and leave thy clippings lying about or hiding under seat cushions, but thou shalt promptly dispose of all thy clippings into thy garbage.

January 8, 2009

Big News!

Guess what, guys? I won the lottery - in Malaysia! I didn't even know I had entered the lottery in Malaysia, but I just got an email telling me that I won!

I'm pretty excited. I mean, I'm obviously not going to collect it (we don't use money here in Heaven, remember?) but it's still pretty cool that I won. What are the odds?

January 7, 2009

Appreciate the Little Things

You know, being The Creator and everything, I can appreciate a really cool invention when I see it. I also know what it's like to be taken for granted.

So it hurts when I find out that most of you don't even know the name of the man who invented the single most important piece of technology in the world today, without which you would not be able to live the lives of luxury you've grown so accustomed to.

So today, I want all of you to think about and be grateful for Mr. Samuel B. Fay, without whom you would not have the paper clip.

January 6, 2009


Sorry I haven't weblogged in a while. I have so much to catch up on!

You know how in the last little bit, when you were trying to overcome all the stressful emotions that come with the holidays, you sometimes felt like there were only one set of footprints in the sand? Well, that's probably because you were walking all by yourself, unless you were vacationing with me in Cabo, because my footprints were all up and down those pristine beaches!

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

... breaking your mom's favorite vase, even though she always said, 'Don't play ball in the house!'

January 1, 2009

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not leave little bits of toothpaste foam in the bottom of the sink, but thou shalt instead splash water about the drain sufficiently until all parts of the foam have been washed away.

Are Your Loins Sufficiently Girded?

Go here.