December 18, 2008

Question Box!!!

St Peter has this great idea a while ago to install a question box at the Gates. People usually have a lot of questions to ask me when they arrive, so every now and then I go through the question box and answer them.

You know, when I thought up The Scriptures I thought I had just about everything you'd ever want to know covered. But apparently I missed some stuff. My bad.

So I decided it might be fun to put some of the Q & A's (Pete told me that means "Questions & Answers" - sometimes he cracks me up!) on my blog, so you guys can get some answers before you get to Heaven! Here we go:

What's the deal with the dinosaurs?

I get this question a lot, actually, which is why I already answered it here. Next!

Why do we have an appendix?

Oh, well, see, there's a simple explanation for that. The appendix used to attach to another organ called the altivianus, which produced a hormone that made it possible for humans to shoot lightning bolts out their fingernails. Because I was making you after my own image, see. But then after I thought about it for a while, I decided I wanted to keep that power for myself. So I got rid of the altivianus, but the little bit that attached it got left behind. Next!

If you're really a just and merciful God, why do you let mullets happen to good people?

Let me answer that question with a question. Once one aquires a mullet, is s/he still considered a "good" person? Or even, really, a "person"? Next!

Where's Jimmy Hoffa?

You know, I don't really know for sure. You'll have to talk to Satan about that one. Next!

Why do dogs and cats hate each other?

Because cats are evil. OMMe, I hate cats. If it were up to me, I would have wiped them off the face of the planet years ago. But Moses went off about how that would screw up the planetary ecosystem and blah, blah, blah. I know he's right, which is why I haven't done it, but come on, killjoy! Stupid Moses.

Can't wait until you get to the Pearlies? Email God your questions at


Therese said...

I use to believe cats were evil too until my inlaws gave us a little kitten. She is the most friendly cat I have ever come across. I still think dogs are better though.

Anonymous said...

Dear Lord, how can You say that cats are evil??? If You think so, why did You make them so beautiful? I have three, and they are good companions, very affectionate, and hardly ever do evil things. BTW, I like dogs too -- but You already knew that! I hope everyone in Heaven has a blessed and joyful Christmas. Please wish Jesus a very Happy Birthday from one of His wayward daughters. Thank You, Abba, and have a good day.