You know what the single most frightening feeling in the Universe is? I do.
It's when you see a spider, but you don't have anything handy to squish it with, so you grab the closest cup-shaped object and trap the spider under it so it can't go anywhere while you run off in search of a sandal or a sledgehammer or something (depending, of course, on the size and scariness of the spider), and then when you come back to squish the little monster you hold your breath and count to ten and gather your courage before picking up the cup-shaped object, your fist clenched around the sandal or sledgehammer and ready to strike, but then when you lift the cup-shaped object THE SPIDER ISN'T THERE!
I dare you to think of something more terrifying than that.
*shudder*
December 11, 2008
Creepy Crawly!
Posted by God at Thursday, December 11, 2008
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7 comments:
What if you DID squish the spider but then found out that the spider had been filled with burning acid and when you really put the force down on the spider, it squirted it's spider acid into your eye? Then you would be disfigured and blind.
Then, what if the spider came back to life as a zombie spider, but you couldn't SEE it because your eyes had acid in them? Then what if it crawled up your pant leg?
EEeeEEEeeeeeW! The very thought gives me the heebie jeebies.
But in that scenario, I know exactly where the acid-filled zombie spider is. In my pants. Which is way less scary than NOT KNOWING WHERE THE SPIDER WENT. Plus, maybe my spider was ALREADY a zombie spider!
Ha! I win!
Maybe it stuck to the inner fabric of your God-Pants and didn't actually touch your leg, plus being a soulless zombie gives it extra camo because zombies don't register on your soul-o-meter from what I've heard (unless you have zombie vision goggles... which you might invent now. I think it'd be a good idea.)
You still wouldn't know where it is exactly although maybe you have a good idea.. but it is really in your god-pants, just biding it's creepy time so that it can do one of 2 things:
1)emerge later & crawl across your pillow and onto your face while you're asleep and just BE there all night...
2) try to take control of Heaven by winning you over with it's charm
Ha! I win again, because guess what?
I don't even WEAR pants!
Not even to church? SCANDALOUS! Not even Hammer Pants? Because if I ever had any expectations about God, it definitely included Hammer Pants.
What will your mother say?
It's all about the robe, baby.
See? And they told me I was 'crazy' when I wore MY robe to church.
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