September 10, 2009

God's Blog Ultimate Audience Participation Awesome Essay Contest Spectacular FINALISTS!

Thanks to all who participated in the God's Blog Ultimate Audience Participation Awesome Essay Contest Spectacular!

Now it's time to vote for the winner! Below are the top five essays as selected by Pete and me. I've taken off the names for now, but after voting closes I will give credit where credit is due.

Voting Guidelines:

  • Please vote for your favorite essay(s) in the comments section. Just leave a comment saying the number of the essay you'd like to vote for.
  • Each individual may only vote for each entry once, but you may vote for multiple entries.
  • No votes left by anonymous commenters will be counted. If you do not have a Blogger or Google account, please just select the "Name/URL" option that allows you to write in a name.
  • If you still want to vote but don't want everyone to see what you're voting for, you may email me your vote at godhasablog (at) gmail (dot) com. But please leave a comment that says that you sent your vote in that way.
  • If your essay has been selected, please feel free to email all your friends and invite them to vote for you. Otherwise, everyone will know that you don't have any friends. And that will just make us feel sad for you. And sad feelings totally defeat the purpose of the God's Blog Ultimate Audience Participation Awesome Essay Contest Spectacular!
  • Voting will run until next Friday, September 18. The grand-prize winner will be announced on Saturday the 19.


In no particular order, here are the top 5 entries!

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ESSAY #1

God is awesome because He has an awesome beard that I suspect could cure world hunger. How many "lost" skittles could one awesome beard hold??? Enough to feed a nation, I think. I bet that's where all "last year's" Easter candy under the couch comes from. Fluffing clouds probably shakes that awesome beard up and wouldn't you know, out drops a chocolate Easter bunny... under the couch it goes. He's all knowing and knows when one might be in desperate need of a little chocolate.

God also created brooms. I know, I know, brooms??? They make housework so much more easier and fun. A sponge just doesn't have the same effect when you sing into it and have you ever tried to dance with a sponge??? Yeah sure a feather duster is almost as good, but it gets too close to your nose, then you suck up all kinds of dust that falls out and have to end up sweeping anyway. I wonder if He got the idea from his awesome beard??.. it sweeps things up too. hmmmm??

For me, though, I think the ultimate reason God is awesome is because of pedicures and open toed sandals. Nothing makes a girl feel better than to look down (whether in shame, humility, or because you dropped something) and see a perfect Hot Pink pedicure staring right back at you. I know open toed sandals have been around quite a while, but the added benefit of brightly painted, wiggly little piggies just makes sandals all that much better. Amen!!

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ESSAY #2

Rich Mullins was awesome, and he said God was awesome. He even wrote a song about how our God is an Awesome God. Even though I heard that Rich wrote that song when he was pissed off while sitting in traffic. How's he doing, anyway?

God is awesome because even though he allows big fat liars to become millionaires by blaspheming His word and claiming to heal people in His name, he made sure that they would be born with a defective gene that causes them to have bad hair and tacky suits, and then He curses them with wives that look like Mary Kay Ash.

God is awesome because even though most of us never have everything we want, He will always provide us with everything we need. Because all we really need is Him.

The End

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ESSAY #3

Now, I'm not gonna lie, I haven't always been a fan of God let alone ever had the thought that He is, 'awesome.' In fact, I have oft times referred to Him as a,' punk on a power trip.' "Look at me, I can make lightening bolts and control tornadoes." He sounds more arrogant than awesome to me.

But, and there is a but, I have changed my ways.

I'm sure you're all thinking, 'It's the beard. The beard totally changed her mind.' Wrong. I hate beards. Facial hair is not my thing, so I assure you it has nothing to do with His long, probably needs to be combed because there could be birds nesting in there, beard. Maybe you think it's His wit that astounds me. Wrong again. I'm just as funny as God is, which is not saying much. Sure, He has His moments, but c'mon folks. He's hardly the funniest Being around. I mean, have you read Satan's blog? Albeit he never posts I'd dare say he could give God a run for his money.

You see, my conversion to believe God is awesome came about gradually over the last couple years. I've seen my share of tragedy people, and I have also blamed God for 99% of said tragedy. You see, if He is so powerful then he certainly could have seen that whole 'brain tumor' issue coming for me...and stopped it...you know, because brain surgery really wasn't on my do to list and it's a huge pain in the ass. Like, no, seriously, it was not only a pain in my ass but a huge pain in my head. (Naturally)

When I went into surgery, I was told I had a 50/50 chance of life/death. I'm not gambler people. I always lose so of course those just weren't good enough odds for me. I figured I had better start praying STAT. (STAT means NOW)

Needless to say, I woke up after 5 hours of surgery alive.

That, my friends, is why God is awesome.

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ESSAY #4

Moses
Sucks
God
Rocks
In the words of the kool-aid man "Oh yeah"

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ESSAY #5

What makes you awesome…well the natural inclination would be to name all of the cool things that you’ve done, but you’ve heard that before. “Thanks for the rain!” “Thanks for curing my herpes!” “Thanks for smiting my neighbor’s house with a bad foundation that had to be re-poured. The contractor sucked and they had to stay at a sleazy motel for 4 weeks!”

Again, you’ve heard that all before. So I’m going to discuss your awesomeness in the things that you haven’t done…the things that you’ve just let happen because you in all of your omnipotent power knew that sometimes the *stuff’s got to hit the fan.

1- You could have intervened with Hanson. You could have stopped them from forming. You could have stopped the sales of so many MMM Bopping albums that drove the sane world crazy and the crazy world into a frenzy. You could have eliminated my worst moment in life: That time that I found out that my crush on the Hanson sister turned out to be a misdirected crush on a dude that TOTALLY looked like a chick. I lay in the fetal position for a week weeping, but you didn’t shelter me from the pain! You let that happen, and I’m grateful.

2- Also, you totally could have stepped in and stopped WWII in the prelims. But let’s face it, with no WWII we’d have no: Band of Brothers, Flags of our Fathers, Letters from Iwo Jima, Kelley’s Heroes, A Bridge Too Far, Schindler’s List, Saving Private Ryan, Inglorious Basterds, The Memphis Belle, and countless other GREAT war movies. Likely, with no WWII there would have been no Cold war and hence we’d never have seen “The Hunt For the Red October” either. Thank you so much for letting humanity run its course on this one. Indiana Jones was only cool when he fought the Nazis, and they were a lot better than those “pull your heart out Indian” guys. The cinema appreciates it.

3- Finally, when you flooded the world and you could have destroyed Mosquitoes, you didn’t. I shutter at the idea of living in a world without my blood sucking buzzing friends. If it’s ok with you I invented a word to describe the sound a mosquito makes. Instead of a “buzz” it’s actually a “zizz.” It’s that sound that they make right when they fly into your ear and you smack your hand against the side of your head, spilling the warm A&W root beer that you just poured while sitting around the campfire. My sticky sweater that I brought to sleep in is now a reminder of your goodness and AWESOMENESS. Without mosquitoes my trip to Yellowstone would be all too relaxing, which is dangerous. Thanks for keeping me on my toes whilst in nature. To become too relaxed is to leave oneself open to attacks from bears, wolves, and Sasquatch.

In conclusion: you are awesome because you keep me on my toes, fearing a world full of creepy beasts that devour people, government organizations that steal my money, and bands of “I can’t really tell” gendered people. Keep up the good work. Rock on.


*I would never use the actual term here in your presence.

45 comments:

Billy Coffey said...

Number two, hands down.

Valerie said...

I'm tied between #1 which is totally awesome and #5 which is pretty cool.

Tiffany said...

I like 5.

Ryan B said...

#2

Sarah Salter said...

I'm voting for Essay #2.

Tony C said...

Essay #2!!

Bridget Chumbley said...

Number 2...because it's awesome! (duh)

Peter P said...

#2 please!

Beth said...

Number 2 and no one at all told me to do this via the twitter. I promise.

Steph @Red Clay Diaries said...

Well, I have to either vote anonymously or incur the wrath of a certain publicist/writer pimp/prosperity gospel hater.

Or I could just vote for #2 and live.

Heather of the EO said...

What Steph said.

(that means #2)

Kristen said...

#3

Helen said...

#2

And I am not scared of her in the least. Her essay is just the best, that's all!

Tamera Lynn Kraft said...

#2

katdish said...

I'm going to have to go with #2. It just spoke to me...

WV: rabless (no, seriously)

ComplexionCentr (Katy) said...

I vote for essay #1, but #2 is a close second ;)

Anonymous said...

Two. :D

Marni said...

#3 isn't seeing much love here. I don't know why because it RAWKS, which is why I'm voting for it.

Disisnt A. Phakenaame said...

#2 can suck my big toe
#5 deserves the spot in Heaven!!

dts-01 said...

Essay #1

Kenna said...

I'd say #3

Bags said...

I think if people took the time to read through all the essays, they would say that #5 is the winner... hands down.

The grammar is well written, as is the argument. The others seem like they required little to no effort, or they made a tactless attempt to butt kiss... which, when considering the audience may have been a good idea. Either way, #5 has my vote. Props to whomever wrote it.

Red Shoe Artist said...

#2 for me.. it rings truth and shows a greatness of mind

Peter Turner said...

#1 & #5 for me

Kenna Jan said...

#4... short, sweet and to the point. :-)

Darius said...

from a sentimental pov I like number 3, but anyone mentioning Hanson being girls - is a winner in my eyes!

Glynn said...

#2.

Dory said...

#2 clearly put more thought into her reasons

BunBun Rabbit said...

#2 put an extra hop into my step!

Spike said...

All were good, but 5 stands out.

Janet Oberholtzer said...

#2 for me.

Ink Panther said...

#5

Nick the Geek said...

#2

katdish said...

#4

(but only because Nick made me feel guilty)

Matt @ The Church of No People said...

# 3 needs some loving.

quack said...
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quack said...
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Wendy said...

#2. Why? Because you shouldn't make katdish angry. You wouldn't like it when she's angry.

WV: balerin: Male version of a ballerina because they have to take their junk and balerin.

gabriel said...

#1...most bad ass of all of em, if i had to compare, the rest r like betamax and 1 is blue ray..nuff said

egosalonstudio said...

#1 ROCKS my socks!

Bob the Dog said...

I vote for number 2. Because I agree that God provides what we need. And I know that God knows that what I NEED is a fat juicy chicken.

Also? The bad hair/tacky suit guys also smell funny. The scent of dirty money makes me sneeze.

Erin said...

#3!

David said...

I think you’re awesome because you gave me (and let me keep) a fantastic foot fetish. I love looking at lady’s feet with skinny ankles and perfectly shaped toes. I gag up chunks when a woman’s second toe stretches way beyond the big toe and dangles over the edge of her sandal. My wife’s feet are perfect. That, and the fact that she’s got very low expectations for men, are the primary reasons I married her. Her toes are so even they look like they’ve been shaped with a pair of tin snips. I wish I could get her to paint her nails Hot Pink though. She thinks it’s a bit slutty. Maybe you could drop her a quick revelation about the moral and marital importance of occasional sluttiness.

Therefore, thus saith the Man (blesseed with having low expectations), my vote is for #1.

Number 2 ain’t bad but who’s Rich Mullins?

And as for #5, there’s no forgiving You for mosquitoes.

nollyposh said...

Essay #5 for me X:-) Lol!

tsholo said...

definitely #5