April 8, 2009

Question Box!!!

Is there life on other planets?

Of course. But it's not exactly like what you have on Earth. Earth is the only one with humans. As you know, I created Man after My Own Image. Well, Creating stuff is difficult at best. There was a bit of a learning curve involved. So the other planets were practice planets, if you will. This is why aliens always look a little weird - have you ever seen a four-year-old draw a picture of a person? Even though they know what humans look like, they haven't quite figured out how to make their crayon sketches look human-shaped. It took me a while to get Man just right.

So on other planets are my earlier attempts at creating worlds and habitats to support Man, my Greatest Creation. But don't tell them that - each planet thinks that they're the finished product. But you guys really are. I promise. You're not, like, halfway up the progress ladder, I swear. You're really really ridiculously close to being exactly on the top. And I'm not just telling you that. Really. Next!

Why did you create Lucifer who would later rebel against you?

Yikes. I'll admit it. That was... that was a mistake. I totally dropped the ball on that one. My bad. Next!

I was raised Jewish, and my wife is Episcopalian. Do we get to go to the same Heaven when we die?

You know, I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic. When two people really love each other and really belong together, I hate to see them apart (the third time Ross and Rachel broke up I threw my TV through a wall). So even if two people don't necessarily believe all the same things, as long as they're striving to be the best spouses, friends, and people they can be, and doing what they truly believe will bring them closer to Me, I simply can't justify keeping them apart for all eternity.

In your case, however, your wife's totally going to Hell. But not for being Episcopalian. For adultery. So's your best friend Phil. Sorry. Next!

Hey, God, help me out. I can not for the life of me remember where I left my keys and I'm late for work.

They're in that little basket next to the microwave. Next!

How does this whole thing work?

To clarify for everybody, I know that when Steven emailed me this question he was really wondering how the whole 'one supreme dude in charge of the whole Universe' thing works. I already answered it for him, and here's what I said: I can try to answer it in a way your feeble human mind can comprehend. Basically, what makes "this all work" is a very complex system of levers and pulleys being operated by a flying starfish with seventeen legs. And a purple headband that sings "Que Sera." This is all metaphorical, of course, but I think the comparison will help clear it up for you.

Can't wait to get to the Pearlies to ask God your question? You can email it to him at godhasablog@gmail.com