February 11, 2009

Question Box!!!

God, what's your favorite color?

Parsplink. You don't have that color down there on Earth, but trust me. It's the best one. Next!

How do I go about getting you to smite some people for me?

Smiting is very serious business, not to be taken lightly. Plus it's a lot of paperwork. I'm not just going to go around smiting this guy or that guy just because he did something that tweaked your nuggets the wrong way. If you really want to be proactive about it, you've got to get organized! Find a large group of people who would also like to see said nuisance get theirs, and sign a petition or something. Show me you're really committed to seeing somebody get smot, and I'll take it under advisement. Next!

Remember when you took all those internet personality tests?


Well, remember the one that said you would survive for one minute and fifty-four seconds chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor? Um... you're God. Shouldn't you survive forever?

First of all, dinosaurs aren't real. I don't know how many times I have to tell you guys that. Second of all, don't you think that I, God, as the Master and Creator of the Universe, the All-Powerful and All-Knowing God That Is God That Is Me, would be capable of creating a monster that could kick my own ass if I wanted to?

Besides, I'd like to see YOU survive for nearly two minutes. Those things are crazy dangerous! Next!

Any tips on how to get ketchup stains out of a silk shirt?

No, but here's a tip - if you're in a place fancy enough for a silk shirt, you're in a place that should be too fancy for ketchup food. Next!

What is the meaning of life?

I sent all of you, my precious children, down to Earth for a very simple reason. Population control. See, Heaven used to be really crowded. In The Beginning, everybody was packed in tighter than Oliva Newton-John's bad Sandy pants in 'Grease'. We only have room for so many people in Heaven at a time, so I figured out that if I rotate a few billion of you at a time down to Earth, and not all of you come back because you decide you'd rather be murderers or devil worshippers or Bill O'Reilly, than that gives all of us up here a little more leg room.

At the time, however, I didn't take into account the expansion of the Universe. So now we all have more room than we really need. Turns out, if I'd been a bit more patient, everyone could have lived in Heaven forever. My bad!

Can't wait to get to the Pearlies to ask God your question? Email Him at godhasablog@gmail.com


Miss Thystle said...

so I should email you my Anti-Lady GaGa petion?