I Keep Telling You, I Have A Great Sense Of Humor

I love jokes. Sometimes Pete and I will just sit and tell jokes back and forth and back and forth all day long. Pete thinks most of my jokes are lame, but I say as long as I think they're funny, that's all that matters. As the master and commander of the Universe, I think it's one of my privileges to set the standard for what's funny and what isn't. These are funny:

What is the beekeeping pirate's favorite place to eat? Arrrrrbees!

A guy walked into a bar and said, "Ouch!"

What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white? A nun falling down the stairs.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

There are only 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car.

What did the fish say when it ran into the cement wall? "Damn!" What did the wall say back? "DumBass."

Where does the general keep his armies? In his sleevies.

What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat? Polly Unsaturated.

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan.

A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said, "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper said, "You have a drink named Bob?"

Why did the monkeys refuse to join in the jungle poker match? There were too many cheetahs.


This is not:

My dog Minton ate two shuttlecocks yesterday. Bad Minton.

Sorry, ryanmer, but any time I have to use Wikipedia to help me understand a joke, it's officially not funny.


Thanks to @BeautiCreams, @scottspjut, @ryanmer, @BigBags and @txnewsprincess for their contributions. Feel free to leave more in the comments!