March 11, 2009

Time To Grow Up, Kids

You know the worst part about being Me? Getting blamed for every bad thing that ever happens. Every time there's some sort of tragedy, people ask, "How could God let this happen?" or "Where was God during all of this?"

Every time some crazy person starts shooting people or a moron invents chocolate Skittles or Martha Stewart's dog blows up, everyone automatically assumes it's somehow my fault. You know what? I feel really badly when those things happen. I really do. And sure, I could have stopped it, but then you guys wouldn't learn anything.

Of course, I get no credit when I do prevent some kind of disaster. Did you hear about that rich guy who built a nuclear submarine from scratch in his toolshed, took it out to Lake Michigan and blew up half of Chicago a few months ago? Of course you didn't, because I STOPPED IT FROM HAPPENING. What about that group of skydivers in Seville last week who got all tangled up in each others' parachutes and all six of them plummeted to their deaths? Yup, I stopped that, too.

You're welcome.

But I can't stop everything. You guys need to learn that your choices and your actions have consequences, and how can you if I keep bad things from ever happening to you? No, no, you'd prefer if I just wrapped the world in some kind of cosmic bubble wrap so you could fall off of buildings and drunkenly agree to let your friends punch you in the face and never get any boo-boos.

Sorry, guys, that's just not the way it works. So instead of expecting me to take the reigns and protect you from everything bad, why don't you guys just stop making stupid decisions? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a South American bridge collapse to prevent.


Chelle said...

So I shouldn't make gunpowder brownies for my company this weekend?

I thought they'd be kinda low fat.