May 5, 2009

Are You There Margaret? It's Me, God

Heyyyy. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. You just caught me at a really bad time. I was really busy during the 70s, and I swear to Me I had every intention of getting in touch with you during the 80s, but it just turned into one of those things that I kept putting off and it get put on the back burner. My bad.

But, hey, better late than never, right?

So I was looking over all those questions you asked me, and it seems you've pretty much found most of the answers for yourself over the past forty years. You've done pretty well without me, actually. Except for the seventy pounds you've put on since the second divorce, that is.

I wish I had more time on my hands to personally connect with all my children. Back in the early days, I hung out with Adam all the time! We'd take walks, see all the animals, have a catch, and I'd even have time to impart some kind of important lesson before bedtime. But now there are just so many of my children wandering around on the Earth, seeking me and my wisdom and guidance; it's impossible for me to give them any quality time!

Remember that scene in Horton Hears a Who where the Mayor had so many kids he could only schedule one minute of quality time for each of them as they whisked by him on a conveyer belt thing? Imagine that times 704 million.

I'm starting to regret that whole "multiply and replenish" commandment, because OMMe! Seven billion people? That's just ridiculous. Do you have any idea what that means? That means, if I had nothing to do all day but devote my full attention to my children, they would each get 12/millionths of a second a day.

Now, I can do a lot with 12/millionths of a second. The problem is you. Not you, specifically, Margaret, but everyone just like you. If you guys would just pay attention when you're praying, instead of just rambling on about nothing, maybe you'd realize that I'm trying to answer you but can't get a word in edgewise.

So to answer your question, Margaret: Yes, I'm here. And I've set aside a whole three minutes just for you, to talk about anything you want. Anything at all. What's on your mind?

Oh. Oh. "Woman's" troubles? Eesh. You're not over that yet? Um....

Would you look at that! We're out of time! I must have taken so much time talking about having no time that I now have no time. Shucks. I really wanted to help you out with that, I did. We'll talk about it later, I promise.


katdish said...

I appreciate what you're doing here. I mean that.

leel said...

I'm still laughing at OMMe. Really. Like, a lot.

& thank you for finally at least acknowledging that yes, you are in fact There so that the Margaret fan in me can finally rest. I've been wondering at least 20 years.

and while we're here - what's with the hair in the 70's and why is it coming back now? yikes. can you work on bringing back 30's and 40's please?

love you,
me :)

Red Shoe Artist said...

LOL at the OMMe...

Marni said...

I yelled out "I love you!!" this morning in the car while I cranked up Mighty to Save in the car. You heard me, right? Cause I do. Lots and lots and lots.

Tiffany said...

"I swear to Me" and "OMMe" are the two highlights of my day.

On behalf of Margarets everywhere, thank you.

Darius said...

alternatively you can reach God most days via Twitter!