It's Not My Fault You're So Boring

A couple of weeks ago, Moses had everybody in the office come to a meeting he'd thrown together about "Office Appropriate Behavior."

OMMe, it was sooooo boring. After about 17 seconds of listening to him ramble on about something or other, my mind started wandering. For a while I thought about how much better office meetings would be if they were more like The Office. So I tried to imagine it was Ricky Gervais up front droning about how harmful gossip can be, which made me think about Stephen Marchant and that funny little cameo he had in 'Run Fatboy Run', and I wonder why they took a taxi to get to the race in that movie because it would have been so much faster to take the tube?, and isn't it funny how they call it a tube in London and a metro in Paris and a subway in New York?, and 'subway' makes me think of sandwiches, but sub sandwiches are named after submarines and not underground trains. Submarines are awesome. You know what else is awesome? Ultimate Frisbee. That game last night was so much fun. I think my favorite part was when -

*CLUNK*

That was the moment when I nodded off to sleep and my head hit the conference room table. Moses used it as an example of disrespectful behavior, to which I said, "Shut up, Moses."

Okay, Listen.

Ever since the God Pod Preview, I've been getting emails along the lines of, "Dude, what's with your voice?" or "Why do you sound like a robot?"

Firstly, that's hurtful and unnecessary.

Secondly, obviously my voice has been altered for the God Pod. I do not really sound like that. I DO NOT REALLY SOUND LIKE THAT. It was a necessary evil. See, if I put my real voice out on the interweb, anybody could hear it. And if you hear the voice of Me when you're not worthy... well, to be frank, bad stuff happens.

It's kind of like... remember in 'Raiders of the Lost Ark', at the end, when they're tied to the pole and Indy's all, "Close your eyes! Don't look at it! Don't look at it!" and then the Nazi's face turns to clay and melts off?

Well, that's pretty much what would happen to you. Only to your soul. Your soul would metaphorically turn to Nazi clay and melt off. And that just makes a great big sticky mess. So, because I hate cleaning up after myself (just ask the Missus), I got one of those voice-altering microphones to use for the God Pod. You're welcome.

Now stop making fun of my robot voice. Even though it does sound awesomely ridiculous. After hearing it the first time, Pete wanted to alter his voice, too, but I told him no.

The God Pod, Episode 1...ish

I Done Good

This week was the anniversary of the moon landing. I have to say, seeing Neil and Buzz bounce around on the lunar surface was one of my proudest moments as God. What a testament to this amazing creation of mine called Man.

I can't wait until you guys decide to go back to the moon. Mostly because I can't wait for the astronauts to see what I did to the commemorative plaque. ZING!

I'm Going To Get Him Back SOOO HARD.

Nobody understands omniscience. Everyone thinks that because I know everything, I know everything. That's not entirely true.

Technically, everything that has, will, or would have ever happened is filed away somewhere in my mind. But, much like you guys, I don't keep everything I know on instant-recall.

It's like if someone asked you to give the dates of specific events in the French Revolution, or to name all the US states in alphabetical order, or to recite the first 10 digits of pi. Provided you didn't blow off school to go eat pizza bagels at your friend Beauford's house on the days your teachers went over those tidbits, you know them all. They're somewhere in your brain.

It's the same with everything you've ever learned - every conversation you've ever heard, every street sign you've ever read, every burrito you've ever tasted. But there's simply not enough space in your instant-recall folder to keep all of this information. And, depending on how organized you keep your mental file cabinets, it could take a lot of time and effort to pull it out. In some cases the information might be buried so deeply that it's nearly impossible to get to it at all.

My mind works the same way as yours, just on a much larger scale. My instant-recall folder is about 16.7 uberjillion times bigger than yours, but it's still much too small to hold on to EVERYTHING I know. This is what makes it possible for me to temporarily forget things, even though deep down I still know them.

People that know me well, that spend a lot of time with me, know the kind of information that gets placed in the instant-recall folder and what kind gets buried somewhere way in the back of my mind in the dark corner next to the broken coffee machine. And, unfortunately, Moses is one of those people who knows me well.

He got tired of all the pranks Pete and I play on him, so he decided to play one on me. A big one. Because he knows that I'm not the most technologically savvy (meaning, I'm not a nerd like him), Moses decided to exact his revenge by sabotaging my blog.

How.

Dare.

He.

!!!

He somehow hacked into my web host and messed around with my settings so I can't update my new website, www.godhasablog.com. And because all the technical knowledge is buried in the back of my mind, I haven't been able to fix it yet. But now I finally figured out how to get back onto this blog, so I guess I'll update here for a while until I find the other knowledge.

I have to admit, though, I haven't been looking too hard for it. Instead, I've been investing the majority of my time searching for the most absolutely perfect way I can get back at Moses.

Bigger And Better Things

Check it out, guys. I've spent the last few days putting together something I think you'll like - a brand new home for my blog. I've never made a website before, so it was a little time-consuming. In fact, I've had to put pretty much everything else off while I was working on it, which makes me feel just a little bit bad.

You can still read my blog archives here, but be sure to change your bookmarks to the (much easier to remember) new website:

www.godhasablog.com

Phew! Now that that project's done, I can finally take some time to do the important things, like go play frisbee with Bandit.

UPDATE:

I know.  I know.   I'm working on it.  I'm having a few problems with my publishing software, but as soon as the kinks get worked out the new website will be AWESOME.  I promise.