I Have a Confession

Don't tell Jesus I said this, but my real favorite son is Kirk Cameron.

Little Known Fact

Most of you know that the Pearlies are not actually made out of pearls. But I bet you didn't know that there is a teeny tiny inscription on the gate that says, "If you can read this sign, you're standing too close!" And that if you stand there trying to read it, Pete will sneak up behind you and give you a wet willie.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not select a butterknife from thy silverware drawer, use it to pry open the airtight seal on the jar of boysenberry preserves that thy grandmother gavest thee, then wipe off the little sticky purple smudge from off its blade with thy thumb and return it to the drawer.

I Think I Need a New Slogan

The other day, Moses was complaining that I don't give him enough work to do. He said he feels "unappreciated", and that his "talent" is being "wasted." Whatever.

So I said fine, Moses, since you're the head of PR, why don't you figure out a way to revamp my entire image? Come up with a few ideas and pitch them to me next Friday.

I figured it'd keep him busy enough that he'd stay out of my beard for a week or so, and then I could just reject any ideas he gives me and start the whole thing over again. But I started thinking about it, and maybe it really would be a good idea to tweak my public persona. So I'm trying to come up with a new slogan for myself - something catchy and memorable that really defines me.

Any ideas?

Question Box!!!

What happened to the Mayans?

They all died. Not that big a mystery. Seriously? You get one question for the question box, and that's what you waste it on? Man, what a moron. Next!

Why do we have dreams?

Dreams started as a way for me to help my servants multi-task - they could talk to me and get their z's at the same time. I mean, you guys spend about a third of your day sleeping. That's valuable time that could be spent worshipping me! But that turned out to be kind of boring, and no one was really getting into it, so I thought if I spiced it up and made the dreams a bit more interesting more of you would want to worship me in your sleep. It kind of skewed off from there. Next!

When a caterpiller becomes a butterfly, is it still a caterpiller? Like, deep down, instead of having an inner child, does a butterfly have an inner caterpiller? Or does the caterpiller just cease to exist completely? I mean, the butterfly was always there because the caterpiller always had the potential to become a butterfly, but is the caterpiller always a part of the butterfly even after the transformation?

You spelled caterpillar wrong. Next!

If you sneeze, yawn, burp, and fart all at the same time, will you explode?

Into a bajillion pieces so small no one will ever find them again. What do you think happened to Amelia Earhart? Next!

Why do you say that cats are evil? I have {insert number here} cats, and they're all sweet as sugar! They're so cuddly and precious and they make me think of happy little rainbows and marshmallow creme.

That's because cats are astonishingly cunning evil creatures. Remember how Satan dressed up like a snake to tempt Eve? Originally he was going to go as a cat, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Even he wouldn't sink that low. That's right. Satan. Satan himself thought that appearing as a cat would make him look bad. Does that answer your question?



Can't wait to get to the Pearlies to ask God your question? Email him at godhasablog@gmail.com

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

... giving your little brother a Purple Nurple.

LOL!

I was just checking my email and my fingers slipped when I was typing in my username, so instead of "godhasablog" I accidentally wrote "godgasablog".

So then I was re-typing it and chuckling to myself about my silly mistake, and I guess my brain was a little preoccupied with the mistake word "gas" because the second time I accidentally entered it as "godhasagas".

Hahahahaha! Get it? It's like I'm saying I have gas!

I told you I was funny.