Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not sticketh thy fingers into thy mouth and play with thy gum whilst thou art talking to thy friend about thy crush on this boy that thy friend Amanda went out with last year but they broke up because he had soccer practice so he couldn't take her to go see 'Made of Honor' and besides he said he thought it looked stupid but it was such a good movie and really really cute and OMG Patrick Dempsey is so adorable and don't you think Nick in biology class kind of looks like him? but anyway he got kicked off the soccer team because his mom was a total witch-with-a-B to the coach and Julie said that Brian said that Kam said that he was quoting 'She's the Man' at Tyson's birthday party and that's your all-time favorite movie so you two are obviouslymadeforeachother.

I Keep Telling You, I Have A Great Sense Of Humor

I love jokes. Sometimes Pete and I will just sit and tell jokes back and forth and back and forth all day long. Pete thinks most of my jokes are lame, but I say as long as I think they're funny, that's all that matters. As the master and commander of the Universe, I think it's one of my privileges to set the standard for what's funny and what isn't. These are funny:

What is the beekeeping pirate's favorite place to eat? Arrrrrbees!

A guy walked into a bar and said, "Ouch!"

What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white? A nun falling down the stairs.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

There are only 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car.

What did the fish say when it ran into the cement wall? "Damn!" What did the wall say back? "DumBass."

Where does the general keep his armies? In his sleevies.

What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat? Polly Unsaturated.

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan.

A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said, "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper said, "You have a drink named Bob?"

Why did the monkeys refuse to join in the jungle poker match? There were too many cheetahs.


This is not:

My dog Minton ate two shuttlecocks yesterday. Bad Minton.

Sorry, ryanmer, but any time I have to use Wikipedia to help me understand a joke, it's officially not funny.


Thanks to @BeautiCreams, @scottspjut, @ryanmer, @BigBags and @txnewsprincess for their contributions. Feel free to leave more in the comments!

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

... wearing your baseball cap sideways while saying words like "yo", "home dawg", and "shizzle."

Announcement

Today is the six-month anniversary of the start of this blog. I just thought you'd like to know.

Also, Satan lost one of the Hell Hounds, so if you live in Cleveland, keep an eye out. Those things tend to gravitate toward Cleveland, for some reason.

Come On!

Pffft. The Missus took it upon herself today to throw away my absolute favorite lying-around-the-house shirt. She says it's 'hideous' and 'frankly a bit disturbing.'

Oh, so just because it's ugly (I don't think it is, by the way), does that give her the right to throw it out? It's just something I throw on when I'm hanging around the house, or working in the garage, or playing basketball with Pete. Okay, so maybe I've worn it to work once or twice when I'd forgotten to pick up my robe from the dry cleaners. Big deal.

You know when you have one of those shirts that just fits so perfectly, and you've washed it so many times it's soft like butter, and wearing it just puts you in a better mood? That's what this shirt was to me.

And I don't understand how the Missus thought it was so ugly. She never liked it, ever since the day I brought it home. I ask you, what's wrong with a picture of a happy little clown juggling some kittens, huh? Come on! What's so 'hideous' about that?

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. (This includes vainly accusing said God of being a liar. I know most of you remember this one just fine, but some of you needed a little reminding today. *cough*Bags*cough*!)

Hello! My Name Is Inigo Montoya. You Killed My Father. Prepare To Die.

I'm imaginative. I think outside the box. Unfortunately, because I'm so busy, I don't have a lot of time to pursue my creative hobbies. It would be so... well, Heavenly (for lack of a better term) if I could have more time to work on my songwriting or stand-up comedy or stand-up songwriting comedy.

Last night it was the Missus' turn to pick the movie for our traditional Wednesday Watinée (I came up with that. Told you I'm creative). She picked The Princess Bride. Great movie. One of my favorites. Remember the part where Andre the Giant said, "Anybody got a peanut?" Classic!

As we were watching it, I got to thinking. Maybe I could pull a Dread Pirate Roberts. I could find somebody to replace me, pull a little switcharoo, and retire. Because, like Westley says in the movie, it's the name that really matters.

Oh, retirement! It's a tempting thought. I'd have so much free time to perfect my stand-up songwriting comedy that I bet I could even be better than FotC. Or maybe... maybe I'd write movies. I do love movies. I have this great idea for a script, actually. Yesterday's Watinée inspired me. It's kind of like The Princess Bride meets Terminator meets Goonies, set to the music of Sonic Youth. I think it could be a big hit.