My Most Sincere Apologies / New Feature!

As one of my faithful blogsciples, who for some reason likes being called "Big Bags" or "Large Sacks", pointed out to me yesterday, I've been a bit remiss. I realize that some of you had some high expectations about my blog, and I've let you down. I'm sorry.

Until "Plentiful Container For Carrying Or Transporting Objects" said anything, I hadn't even noticed just how badly I'd neglected mentioning my favorite son Kirk Cameron on this blog. I'm sorry. I promise to be more aware of your needs in the future. Because if there's anything we all need, it's more Kirk Cameron.

And here's how I'll do it - with a monthly "What Is Kirk Cameron Thinking - You Provide The Caption" post! I'll post a picture of my beloved son, and you tell me what you think he's thinking about me.

Because he's always thinking something about me. That's why he's my favorite.

So here's your first picture! What is Kirk Cameron thinking?

Here We Go, Here We Go, Here We Go Again...

We have a new batch of cherubs-in-training, and OMMe they're getting on my nerves. They're all just so eager. They're constantly asking me if they can do anything to help - "Can I run that memo over to Miracles for you, God?" "Need me to take an extra sparrow-watching shift this weekend, God?" "Hey, God, you have a piece of lint in your beard. Want me to pluck it out for you?"

It's the same thing every time we get new C.I.T.s. I guess the job just appeals to a certain type, because I have yet to meet one that doesn't make me want to tear my beard out by the roots. Oh, and the squeaky voices! I do not remember, when composing the Laws of the Universe, writing anything saying that cherubs had to talk like a bunch of chipmunks hocked up in helium.

There's one bright side, though: since I've been through this so many times before, I've developed a fool-proof system for getting them to leave me alone. I have used this same trick 452 times, and it has worked literally every time. Except for those times when it didn't work. But other than those, every time.

Here's what I do: once all of my patience is used up, I just gather a few of them together and say, "Hey, will you guys get the rest of the C.I.T.s together and do me a big favor?" At which point they get so excited at the idea of being helpful and needed that they start giggling and shaking and I start worrying about my carpet.

"Of course, God!" they exclaim. "What can we do?"

"The Key to Happiness needs a good polishing," I say. "I don't think it's been polished in a while, so it'll probably take a little elbow grease. But be sure to take your time, because I want it done right. I want it to really sparkle."

"Oh, thank you, God!" they cry. "We'll get right on it! Where is the Key to Happiness?"

Then I laugh, my real big impressive now-THAT's-what-God's-laugh-must-sound-like laugh, and say, "Ha ha ha! Good one, guys! 'Where is the Key to Happiness?' That's the best joke I've heard all day! Now scoot!"

Then all the C.I.T.s feel so stupid for not knowing where the Key to Happiness is that they're too afraid to ask me, or anybody else, for fear of getting ridiculed or disciplined. So for the next few weeks all the C.I.T.s are scouring all over Heaven, armed with rags and little jars of polish, searching for the Key to Happiness. Which not only gets them out of my way, but it's just so ridiculous! Trying to find the actual Key to Happiness. That's just silly.

I keep the Key to Happiness close to me at all times so it doesn't get lost again. Right now it's in my top left desk drawer, next to my stash of Skittles.

Creation That Didn't Pan Out #513

Sockpants.

WINNER!

Voting for the God's Blog Ultimate Audience Participation Awesome Essay Contest Spectacular is now closed, and we have a winner!

But first, I have a major dilemma. I forgot to forget mine and the Missus' anniversary, so now she knows that I'm not actually forgetful. Which means from now on I have to mention every anniversary and birthday ON THE RIGHT DAY.

This sucks. I'm no good at doing sweet or romantic or brownie-point-earning things when I'm actually supposed to, but I'm really good at doing something spectacularly over-the-top as an apology a few days later. I mean, extraordinarily good. I'm a big gesture kind of guy, but a big gesture on our actual anniversary is just so cliche and lame.

Blast.

Anywho, I guess I can push aside my bitterness and announce the winner of the Essay Spectacular.

The winner is...

ESSAY #2!!! Written by Kathy!!!

Congratulations! To claim your prize from the Great Cosmic Grab Bag, leave a comment with a number between 1 and 237.

In second place: Essay #5 by Justin!

In third place: Essay #1 by Valerie!

And, in "Thanks for Trying" place: Essay # 3 by Kenna and #4 by Nick!

Thanks to everybody who entered and voted. Now go worship me.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not forget to vote for your favorite essay in the God's Blog Ultimate Audience Participation Awesome Essay Contest Spectacular!

Hahaha! See what I did there? See?

God's Blog Ultimate Audience Participation Awesome Essay Contest Spectacular FINALISTS!

Thanks to all who participated in the God's Blog Ultimate Audience Participation Awesome Essay Contest Spectacular!

Now it's time to vote for the winner! Below are the top five essays as selected by Pete and me. I've taken off the names for now, but after voting closes I will give credit where credit is due.

Voting Guidelines:

• Please vote for your favorite essay(s) in the comments section. Just leave a comment saying the number of the essay you'd like to vote for.
• Each individual may only vote for each entry once, but you may vote for multiple entries.
• No votes left by anonymous commenters will be counted. If you do not have a Blogger or Google account, please just select the "Name/URL" option that allows you to write in a name.
• If you still want to vote but don't want everyone to see what you're voting for, you may email me your vote at godhasablog (at) gmail (dot) com. But please leave a comment that says that you sent your vote in that way.
• If your essay has been selected, please feel free to email all your friends and invite them to vote for you. Otherwise, everyone will know that you don't have any friends. And that will just make us feel sad for you. And sad feelings totally defeat the purpose of the God's Blog Ultimate Audience Participation Awesome Essay Contest Spectacular!
• Voting will run until next Friday, September 18. The grand-prize winner will be announced on Saturday the 19.

In no particular order, here are the top 5 entries!

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ESSAY #1

God is awesome because He has an awesome beard that I suspect could cure world hunger. How many "lost" skittles could one awesome beard hold??? Enough to feed a nation, I think. I bet that's where all "last year's" Easter candy under the couch comes from. Fluffing clouds probably shakes that awesome beard up and wouldn't you know, out drops a chocolate Easter bunny... under the couch it goes. He's all knowing and knows when one might be in desperate need of a little chocolate.

God also created brooms. I know, I know, brooms??? They make housework so much more easier and fun. A sponge just doesn't have the same effect when you sing into it and have you ever tried to dance with a sponge??? Yeah sure a feather duster is almost as good, but it gets too close to your nose, then you suck up all kinds of dust that falls out and have to end up sweeping anyway. I wonder if He got the idea from his awesome beard??.. it sweeps things up too. hmmmm??

For me, though, I think the ultimate reason God is awesome is because of pedicures and open toed sandals. Nothing makes a girl feel better than to look down (whether in shame, humility, or because you dropped something) and see a perfect Hot Pink pedicure staring right back at you. I know open toed sandals have been around quite a while, but the added benefit of brightly painted, wiggly little piggies just makes sandals all that much better. Amen!!

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ESSAY #2

Rich Mullins was awesome, and he said God was awesome. He even wrote a song about how our God is an Awesome God. Even though I heard that Rich wrote that song when he was pissed off while sitting in traffic. How's he doing, anyway?

God is awesome because even though he allows big fat liars to become millionaires by blaspheming His word and claiming to heal people in His name, he made sure that they would be born with a defective gene that causes them to have bad hair and tacky suits, and then He curses them with wives that look like Mary Kay Ash.

God is awesome because even though most of us never have everything we want, He will always provide us with everything we need. Because all we really need is Him.

The End

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ESSAY #3

Now, I'm not gonna lie, I haven't always been a fan of God let alone ever had the thought that He is, 'awesome.' In fact, I have oft times referred to Him as a,' punk on a power trip.' "Look at me, I can make lightening bolts and control tornadoes." He sounds more arrogant than awesome to me.

But, and there is a but, I have changed my ways.

I'm sure you're all thinking, 'It's the beard. The beard totally changed her mind.' Wrong. I hate beards. Facial hair is not my thing, so I assure you it has nothing to do with His long, probably needs to be combed because there could be birds nesting in there, beard. Maybe you think it's His wit that astounds me. Wrong again. I'm just as funny as God is, which is not saying much. Sure, He has His moments, but c'mon folks. He's hardly the funniest Being around. I mean, have you read Satan's blog? Albeit he never posts I'd dare say he could give God a run for his money.

You see, my conversion to believe God is awesome came about gradually over the last couple years. I've seen my share of tragedy people, and I have also blamed God for 99% of said tragedy. You see, if He is so powerful then he certainly could have seen that whole 'brain tumor' issue coming for me...and stopped it...you know, because brain surgery really wasn't on my do to list and it's a huge pain in the ass. Like, no, seriously, it was not only a pain in my ass but a huge pain in my head. (Naturally)

When I went into surgery, I was told I had a 50/50 chance of life/death. I'm not gambler people. I always lose so of course those just weren't good enough odds for me. I figured I had better start praying STAT. (STAT means NOW)

Needless to say, I woke up after 5 hours of surgery alive.

That, my friends, is why God is awesome.

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ESSAY #4

Moses
Sucks
God
Rocks
In the words of the kool-aid man "Oh yeah"

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ESSAY #5

What makes you awesome…well the natural inclination would be to name all of the cool things that you’ve done, but you’ve heard that before. “Thanks for the rain!” “Thanks for curing my herpes!” “Thanks for smiting my neighbor’s house with a bad foundation that had to be re-poured. The contractor sucked and they had to stay at a sleazy motel for 4 weeks!”

Again, you’ve heard that all before. So I’m going to discuss your awesomeness in the things that you haven’t done…the things that you’ve just let happen because you in all of your omnipotent power knew that sometimes the *stuff’s got to hit the fan.

1- You could have intervened with Hanson. You could have stopped them from forming. You could have stopped the sales of so many MMM Bopping albums that drove the sane world crazy and the crazy world into a frenzy. You could have eliminated my worst moment in life: That time that I found out that my crush on the Hanson sister turned out to be a misdirected crush on a dude that TOTALLY looked like a chick. I lay in the fetal position for a week weeping, but you didn’t shelter me from the pain! You let that happen, and I’m grateful.

2- Also, you totally could have stepped in and stopped WWII in the prelims. But let’s face it, with no WWII we’d have no: Band of Brothers, Flags of our Fathers, Letters from Iwo Jima, Kelley’s Heroes, A Bridge Too Far, Schindler’s List, Saving Private Ryan, Inglorious Basterds, The Memphis Belle, and countless other GREAT war movies. Likely, with no WWII there would have been no Cold war and hence we’d never have seen “The Hunt For the Red October” either. Thank you so much for letting humanity run its course on this one. Indiana Jones was only cool when he fought the Nazis, and they were a lot better than those “pull your heart out Indian” guys. The cinema appreciates it.

3- Finally, when you flooded the world and you could have destroyed Mosquitoes, you didn’t. I shutter at the idea of living in a world without my blood sucking buzzing friends. If it’s ok with you I invented a word to describe the sound a mosquito makes. Instead of a “buzz” it’s actually a “zizz.” It’s that sound that they make right when they fly into your ear and you smack your hand against the side of your head, spilling the warm A&W root beer that you just poured while sitting around the campfire. My sticky sweater that I brought to sleep in is now a reminder of your goodness and AWESOMENESS. Without mosquitoes my trip to Yellowstone would be all too relaxing, which is dangerous. Thanks for keeping me on my toes whilst in nature. To become too relaxed is to leave oneself open to attacks from bears, wolves, and Sasquatch.

In conclusion: you are awesome because you keep me on my toes, fearing a world full of creepy beasts that devour people, government organizations that steal my money, and bands of “I can’t really tell” gendered people. Keep up the good work. Rock on.


*I would never use the actual term here in your presence.

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt not offer to cut thy roommate's hair and sayeth to them that it shall be fine because thou hast done it loads of times before and thou totally knowest what thou is doing, but thou really hast only cut the hair off of thy sister's Barbie's when thou was little except for when thou decided to go all the way and just cut off the entire head.

Creation That Didn't Pan Out #167

The jackalope.

God's Blog: The Place Where You May Or May Not Matter

As you know, I like to occasionally visit the Twitter. And if you also are on the Twitter, you know that there are approximately 637 billion "internet marketing gurus" on the Twitter who are more than happy to tell you how to use your website to make fake friends.

Usually I just ignore these guys, or send them a little computer virus if they really start to get on my nerves. But there's one thing that they all say which makes sense to me: if you really want people to visit your website, you have to disillusion them into believing that you give a hoot about what they think.

Well, that seems easy enough.

In the spirit of pretending to care, I'm going to hold a contest on this blog. An essay contest, to be exact. I want all of you to write an essay about what makes me awesome. Also, I will accept essays about why Moses sucks. Sound like fun? It gets even better! There will be prizes!

The winner will get to choose their prize from a grab bag that includes things like:

• Eternal happiness!
• The power to fly!
• A Certificate of Achievement!
• The key to unlocking cold fusion!
• A slice of lemon meringue pie!
• Respect!
• A compilation CD of my Greatest Stand-Up Songwriting Comedy Hits!
• The satisfaction of a job well-done!
• A previously-owned car!

Doesn't that sound like something you'd really like to participate in? Also, doesn't it sound like something you want to tell all your friends and family about so that they can also participate and when you beat them you can rub it in their faces? Okay, so here are the rules of the contest.

• All entries must be submitted to my email (godhasablog [at] gmail [dot] com) with the subject line "God's Blog Ultimate Audience Participation Awesome Essay Contest Spectacular!"
• All entries must be between one and one million words in length.
• All entries must be entered by midnight on September 9 (one week from today).
• I will choose the top 5 entries and post them on the blog next week. Then the final winner will be chosen by popular vote by readers of this blog.
• EVERY participant will get a prize for participating!
• Superfluous bold text is encouraged!

Okay, so everybody send in your entries! Remember, your essay should either be about why I'm awesome or why Moses sucks. And even though I already know who's going to win, I promise to not let that affect my decision when choosing the top 5.