New Creation

I feel like making something new today. I like to do that every now and then, and hide the new creatures deep in jungles so the scientists get all excited. But I can't decide what I want to make today. Which do you think would be cooler, a plant with eyes or a bird with frog legs?

Friday's Forgotten Commandment

Thou shalt calleth someone on the phone and then get distracted and chatteth with the person sitting next to thee whilst the person thou called answers and says, "Hello? Hello?! Can you hear me? Hello?!" and finally hangs up on thee so that thou must call them again.

What Gives?

You know what I've noticed? About 78% of the people who put themselves down as Wanting To Go To Heaven (look over there -->) are women.

I can't say I'm completely surprised by that, but let me ask you something. Do you think it's because women are overall kinder, gentler, more loving and selfless, and therefore more spiritually in tune? Or is it just because they find my beard so damn sexy?

Your Laws Are Funnier Than Mine

You totally crack me up. Although I did give you a few rules and guidelines, I've pretty much left it up to you to figure out how to run your own lives. And occasionally the rules and laws you've put in place for yourselves can be a little bit ridiculous. Sometimes the things you come up with.... I mean, who thinks of stuff like that? I'm telling you, you are an endless source of entertainment for me.

For example, today I spent a full 26 minutes laughing hysterically over the fact that in Scotland it is illegal to be drunk while in possession of a cow. I mean, somebody had to actually sit down, form the conclusion that people with cows shouldn't be tipsy, consider it enough of a hazard that it should be enacted into a law, and convince enough local lawmakers that it was important enough to be written down and made official.

No joke, when I came up with the Big 10 I pretty much winged it. To be honest, Moses had asked me to do it weeks before, and we had that meeting on Mount Sinai scheduled, but when he showed up I had completely forgotten about it. So I scratched something down on some tablets I had lying around really fast just so he wouldn't get all fussy about it. When he got back down the mountain and actually took a moment to read them, he was soooo pissed to see that I had just written "Moses sucks" ten times that he threw them on the ground and smashed them.

So, when he came back to get them for real, I let him help me with the wording so he'd feel important (I told you a little about that here). In retrospect, I never should have done that. It completely went to his big fat head.

I wish he had a sense of humor, because then the Big 10 could have been an absolute riot. Like the drunk with a cow law. I could have done some really good ones. And I would have left number 8 as "Moses Sucks." And probably number 9, too.

What's In A Name, Anyway?

Heaven is a big place, and always getting bigger, it seems. With all the new people moving in all the time, it's amazing that we're able to keep pace with accomodating all of them. We build about 87,000 houses a day.

There are lots of regions in Heaven. Within each region are lots of different boroughs, and within each borough are lots of different neighborhoods. Sometimes, the angel in charge of new development in a specific neighborhood has to oversee the creation of six or seven different streets in a single day. It can be hard to be creative when it comes to naming streets. We have 837 Elm Streets, for crying out loud.

The other day a few new residents came to complain to me. They were less than thrilled that when they arrived in Heaven they were assigned houses on 3.14159265358979 Avenue. I told them that around here, we pronounce it 'pi', but they still thought it was ridiculous for them to have to remember that street name every time they had to write down their address.

I told them it could be a lot worse. We could have sent them to live on Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia Lane.

Today's Forgivable Sin Is....

... wearing pink short-shorts while cruising around the yard on your riding lawnmower.

Sometimes Things Just Work Out

When I got to work this morning there was a card on my desk. On the front was a picture of a smiling sunflower and a rainbow. Inside it said, "Hey, God! We just wanted to do a little something to say 'Thank You' for everything you do around here! Love, The Miracles Department."

That was so thoughtful. The timing was absolutely perfect, because as I was arriving at the office my Fruit Stripe was losing flavor and I wanted to throw it out, so I really needed something I could wrap it up in so it wouldn't gunk up the side of my rubbish bin. That card was perfect!

Thanks, guys.