Thou shalt not sticketh thy fingers into thy mouth and play with thy gum whilst thou art talking to thy friend about thy crush on this boy that thy friend Amanda went out with last year but they broke up because he had soccer practice so he couldn't take her to go see 'Made of Honor' and besides he said he thought it looked stupid but it was such a good movie and really really cute and OMG Patrick Dempsey is so adorable and don't you think Nick in biology class kind of looks like him? but anyway he got kicked off the soccer team because his mom was a total witch-with-a-B to the coach and Julie said that Brian said that Kam said that he was quoting 'She's the Man' at Tyson's birthday party and that's your all-time favorite movie so you two are obviouslymadeforeachother.
May 29, 2009
May 28, 2009
I love jokes. Sometimes Pete and I will just sit and tell jokes back and forth and back and forth all day long. Pete thinks most of my jokes are lame, but I say as long as I think they're funny, that's all that matters. As the master and commander of the Universe, I think it's one of my privileges to set the standard for what's funny and what isn't. These are funny:
What is the beekeeping pirate's favorite place to eat? Arrrrrbees!
A guy walked into a bar and said, "Ouch!"
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white? A nun falling down the stairs.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
There are only 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car.
What did the fish say when it ran into the cement wall? "Damn!" What did the wall say back? "DumBass."
Where does the general keep his armies? In his sleevies.
What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat? Polly Unsaturated.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan.
A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said, "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper said, "You have a drink named Bob?"
Why did the monkeys refuse to join in the jungle poker match? There were too many cheetahs.
This is not:
My dog Minton ate two shuttlecocks yesterday. Bad Minton.
Sorry, ryanmer, but any time I have to use Wikipedia to help me understand a joke, it's officially not funny.
Thanks to @BeautiCreams, @scottspjut, @ryanmer, @BigBags and @txnewsprincess for their contributions. Feel free to leave more in the comments!
May 26, 2009
... wearing your baseball cap sideways while saying words like "yo", "home dawg", and "shizzle."
May 25, 2009
Today is the six-month anniversary of the start of this blog. I just thought you'd like to know.
Also, Satan lost one of the Hell Hounds, so if you live in Cleveland, keep an eye out. Those things tend to gravitate toward Cleveland, for some reason.
May 22, 2009
Pffft. The Missus took it upon herself today to throw away my absolute favorite lying-around-the-house shirt. She says it's 'hideous' and 'frankly a bit disturbing.'
Oh, so just because it's ugly (I don't think it is, by the way), does that give her the right to throw it out? It's just something I throw on when I'm hanging around the house, or working in the garage, or playing basketball with Pete. Okay, so maybe I've worn it to work once or twice when I'd forgotten to pick up my robe from the dry cleaners. Big deal.
You know when you have one of those shirts that just fits so perfectly, and you've washed it so many times it's soft like butter, and wearing it just puts you in a better mood? That's what this shirt was to me.
And I don't understand how the Missus thought it was so ugly. She never liked it, ever since the day I brought it home. I ask you, what's wrong with a picture of a happy little clown juggling some kittens, huh? Come on! What's so 'hideous' about that?
Posted by God at Friday, May 22, 2009
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. (This includes vainly accusing said God of being a liar. I know most of you remember this one just fine, but some of you needed a little reminding today. *cough*Bags*cough*!)
May 21, 2009
I'm imaginative. I think outside the box. Unfortunately, because I'm so busy, I don't have a lot of time to pursue my creative hobbies. It would be so... well, Heavenly (for lack of a better term) if I could have more time to work on my songwriting or stand-up comedy or stand-up songwriting comedy.
Last night it was the Missus' turn to pick the movie for our traditional Wednesday Watinée (I came up with that. Told you I'm creative). She picked The Princess Bride. Great movie. One of my favorites. Remember the part where Andre the Giant said, "Anybody got a peanut?" Classic!
As we were watching it, I got to thinking. Maybe I could pull a Dread Pirate Roberts. I could find somebody to replace me, pull a little switcharoo, and retire. Because, like Westley says in the movie, it's the name that really matters.
Oh, retirement! It's a tempting thought. I'd have so much free time to perfect my stand-up songwriting comedy that I bet I could even be better than FotC. Or maybe... maybe I'd write movies. I do love movies. I have this great idea for a script, actually. Yesterday's Watinée inspired me. It's kind of like The Princess Bride meets Terminator meets Goonies, set to the music of Sonic Youth. I think it could be a big hit.
Posted by God at Thursday, May 21, 2009
May 20, 2009
Okay, guys, come on. Let's use our prayers wisely. Before you waste both your (and infinitely more importantly) MY time with a silly prayer, take a moment to think about what it's really supposed to be for.
Please, pray to me about big life decisions. Pray to me when you're sick, or when you're worried, or when you're feeling especially happy and grateful about something. Pray for help finding your keys so you won't be late. Pray before taking a big exam or to calm your nerves before a presentation at work. I don't even mind if you pray that your favorite bakery hasn't run out of Cinnamon Swirl cupcakes because you've had a crappy day and want one really bad.
But seriously, stop praying for magic powers, you nerds. I'm not going to make you invisible. I'm not going to make you fly. I'm not going to give you the ability to communicate with animals. What do I look like, a giant vat of radioactive goo?
Posted by God at Wednesday, May 20, 2009
May 19, 2009
... believing in evolution.
May 15, 2009
A lot of you want to know what a typical day in Heaven is like. So, yesterday I wrote down everything I did so you guys could see exactly what goes on up here:
6:45 - Ignored alarm clock.
6:46 - Ignored the Missus poking me and telling me to get up.
7:12 - Got up
7:16 - Stubbed my toe, cursed for a while, granted myself Mercy and Forgiveness for cursing
7:18 - Bathroom
7:25 - Ate Count Chocula
7:29 - Laughed at the Missus for trying to get me to eat a banana with my Count Chocula
7:43 - Shower
8:04 - Blowed dry my beard part-way on low heat
8:09 - Got dressed
8:15 - Finished blowing dry my beard (upside down for extra bounce)
8:26 - Bathroom
8:31 - Went to the office
8:32 - Hid Moses' staff
8:40 - Called Pete, made plans for lunch
8:57 - Bejeweled 2
9:30 - Went through inbox, answered some prayers
10:12 - Bathroom
10:18 - Back to answering prayers
10:35 - Cancelled Moses' meeting to discuss lack of 'professionalism' in the office
10:54 - Got some coffee and a Milky Way from the break room
11:13 - Performed miracles
12:31 - Had status meeting with angels
1:02 - Went home to get Bandit
1:07 - Walked over to T'ienTown to pick up lunch
1:16 - Got to the Pearlies, gave Pete a handshake/hug
1:19 - Ate lunch with Pete, played a little frisbee with Bandit, chilled out
2:07 - Brought Bandit back to the office
2:09 - Bathroom
2:15 - Gave Moses his staff back so he'd shut up about the whole 'no pets in the office' policy
2:17 - Gave the Universe a little minor tweaking
3:46 - Mah Jong
4:05 - Smiting
4:21 - Answered prayers
4:59 - Watched the clock and counted down until...
5:00 - Went home!
5:16 - Took a power nap
6:03 - Ate dinner with the Missus
6:26 - Got out of doing the dishes by taking Bandit on a walk
7:00 - Watched TV
8:52 - Finally ate that banana like the Missus wanted - with ice cream and hot fudge!
9:18 - Checked my email, Googled random stuff
11:06 - Went to bed
11:09 - Bathroom
11:13 - Back to bed
Posted by God at Friday, May 15, 2009
Thou shalt not use a fine-tip Sharpie to play 'connect the dots' with thy young nephew's face freckles and then tell his mother that he didst it to himself.
May 13, 2009
- Abe Vigoda
- Magnifying glasses
- Half-priced seasonal candy the day after a holiday
- Hula hoops
- Martin Landau
- Toy trains
- Nose plugs
- Bubbles (not the chimp)
- Bubbles (the chimp)
- The Transformed Man
May 12, 2009
... duct taping your friend to bus.
May 11, 2009
Everyone wants to know what Heaven is really like, and it seems like everybody has a different idea of what would truly be 'heavenly'. To some of you, Heaven couldn't be nicer than lying back with a loved one in your arms, listening to the rain hit the roof. Some imagine a beautiful place made of clouds and rainbows and sparkling sunlight. Others are really hoping that we have a kickass waterslide.
But, you know, it really is possible to have a little piece of Heaven on Earth. Especially right now, when the world seems to be in such turmoil, it's wonderful to be able to find your own little peaceful corner of Heaven, no matter where you are or what you're doing.
Close your eyes.
Hahahaha! Seriously? I can't believe you just closed them. This is a blog. How are you supposed to read what to do next if your eyes are closed? GOTCHA!
Posted by God at Monday, May 11, 2009
May 8, 2009
Thou shalt not thump a monkey.
May 5, 2009
Heyyyy. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. You just caught me at a really bad time. I was really busy during the 70s, and I swear to Me I had every intention of getting in touch with you during the 80s, but it just turned into one of those things that I kept putting off and it get put on the back burner. My bad.
But, hey, better late than never, right?
So I was looking over all those questions you asked me, and it seems you've pretty much found most of the answers for yourself over the past forty years. You've done pretty well without me, actually. Except for the seventy pounds you've put on since the second divorce, that is.
I wish I had more time on my hands to personally connect with all my children. Back in the early days, I hung out with Adam all the time! We'd take walks, see all the animals, have a catch, and I'd even have time to impart some kind of important lesson before bedtime. But now there are just so many of my children wandering around on the Earth, seeking me and my wisdom and guidance; it's impossible for me to give them any quality time!
Remember that scene in Horton Hears a Who where the Mayor had so many kids he could only schedule one minute of quality time for each of them as they whisked by him on a conveyer belt thing? Imagine that times 704 million.
I'm starting to regret that whole "multiply and replenish" commandment, because OMMe! Seven billion people? That's just ridiculous. Do you have any idea what that means? That means, if I had nothing to do all day but devote my full attention to my children, they would each get 12/millionths of a second a day.
Now, I can do a lot with 12/millionths of a second. The problem is you. Not you, specifically, Margaret, but everyone just like you. If you guys would just pay attention when you're praying, instead of just rambling on about nothing, maybe you'd realize that I'm trying to answer you but can't get a word in edgewise.
So to answer your question, Margaret: Yes, I'm here. And I've set aside a whole three minutes just for you, to talk about anything you want. Anything at all. What's on your mind?
Oh. Oh. "Woman's" troubles? Eesh. You're not over that yet? Um....
Would you look at that! We're out of time! I must have taken so much time talking about having no time that I now have no time. Shucks. I really wanted to help you out with that, I did. We'll talk about it later, I promise.
Posted by God at Tuesday, May 05, 2009
... breaking wind in an elevator.
May 4, 2009
Moses showed up to work on Friday wearing a Hawaiian-print robe. He said he thought it'd be fun if we had "Hawaiian Robe Friday" once a month.
You know what I decided would be fun? Telling everybody else in the office that today was "Leave a Random Item in Moses' Cubicle Monday" and watching his head turn purple and quiver with anger when at the end of the day nobody claimed the Lituanian flag or pet rock.
May 1, 2009
Thou shalt not drinketh directly from the orange juice carton until there is but sixteen and a half drops left, then return the carton to the refrigerator so that the next person who wants some juice realizes how little there is in the carton and decideth to not dirty a glass for a mere sixteen and a half drops of orange juice, but drinketh straight from the carton as well and catcheth thy swine flu as a result.