Thou shalt not follow me on Twitter for the mere purpose of getting me to follow thee, then cease following me because thou thinks that I wilt not notice that thou has stopped following me and wilt continue to follow thee regardless, for thou art wrong, and this is a sure way to entice my wrath. Also, thou art a loser and thou shouldst be surprised that no one likes thee, not even thy mother.
February 27, 2009
February 26, 2009
I can't believe it took me so long to figure it out.
MOSES IS HARRY POTTER!
Okay, let me back up. Somebody just twittered this link which shows how the first Harry Potter movie is just like the first Star Wars movie. And it got me thinking. What other stories are like Harry Potter? Then it struck me! Moses!
Think about it. Both of their mothers saved them from somebody trying to kill them as babies. They were both put in baskets and raised in a family that already had a son about their age. They were both told by huge dudes with awesome beards (though mine is way thicker and fluffier than Hagrid's) that they were destined to be something more. Both of them then left their adopted families to be with people like them. They both wore robes. They both got magic sticks that made all sorts of cool stuff happen. They both did crazy stuff with snakes. They both ended up saving everybody from an evil villain who used a fancy title instead of his real name.
The similarities are uncanny! No wonder Moses thinks he's so cool.
February 25, 2009
- French fried onions
- Scotch tape
- Gossip Girl
- Artificial wood
- Non-artificial wood
- Philippe Petit
- Canned air
- Rollie Polies
- Freido Pinto
- Super Mario Bros. 2
- Anderson Cooper
February 24, 2009
The Missus just used her Jedi mind tricks to get the remote away from me tonight and she made me watch some guy babble on and on and on about healthcare reform and economy and blah, blah, blah.
Posted by God at Tuesday, February 24, 2009
... egging someone on until they insult you, just so you can throw your 10am cocktail in their face like they do on your favorite daytime soap.
February 23, 2009
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic?
Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
Posted by God at Monday, February 23, 2009
February 22, 2009
I'm just saying what everybody else is thinking. Trust me.
Posted by God at Sunday, February 22, 2009
February 20, 2009
Thou shalt not partake of thy friend of thy friend's attempt at preparing 'international cuisine', then spit from thy mouth the bite of was-that-chicken-or-some-kind-of-asparagus? into thy napkin and leave the napkin stuffed with seriously-what-was-that? beside thy plate for the duration of thy meal, only to discard thy napkin into the rubbish bin when thou thinkest no one is watching thee, for it art one of thy friend of thy friend's favorite napkins that they inherited from their grandmother.
February 19, 2009
Angels don't really play harps. I mean, sure, some of them do. But it's not as common as you people think. We have all sorts of musical instruments up here. Some angels play trumpets, others play bagpipes, others play xylophones. Harpists are definitely a minority. In fact, the Heavenly Harpists band is only about half the size of the Krazy Kazooing Kherubs.
February 18, 2009
You know, I never thought I'd be one of those fathers who just completely lost touch with what his kids find cool. Let's face it - I'm pretty hip. I'm even a little shoulder. But I have to admit, I'm discovering that I'm behind the times. I was keeping up pretty well for a while, once I learned how to work the interweb. That's why I started Blogging, Google Mapping, Digging, Regal Seagulling, Online Pokering, Redditing, Emailing, Gmailing, and Twittering (which I also like to call Tmailing). I also plan to start Book My Face-ing soon.
But even though I've been real good about learning all this new technological crap, I'm still pretty confused. Half the time you guys don't even use real words! Guess what? ChatSpeak is not a real language. It's just made-up nonsense, just like Ebonics or Swedish.
Some of it I understand. I get "FYI." That one's been around for a while, so I've gotten used to it. I feel pretty comfortable saying to somebody, "FYI, how are you?"
I also understand ">:(" and "BBQ". But that's about the extent of my patience for ChatSpeak, so really the only thing I can say fluently is, "FYI, are you going to >:( the BBQ?"
What's really annoying is that you guys are starting to pray in ChatSpeak. Please, tell me how I'm supposed to respond to a prayer like this:
OMG! OMG! plz bless this zit goes away ASAP cos i w2b SU qt 2nite on my d8 with @qtstboyinschool k? gtg thx!
It just makes my brain hurt. All of this lmao bcuz u r h4ppy stuff is just beyond me. I'd prefer not to lmao, thank you. That would make sitting quite difficult. It makes me wonder what this world I created is coming to.
Posted by God at Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Don't get me wrong. Heaven's... great. Really. But I think it might be nice to have a change of scenery. I just have to convince the Missus to go for it, which means I've got to pick the perfect setting. I've narrowed it down to these places:
Which do you think she'll like best?
Posted by God at Wednesday, February 18, 2009
February 17, 2009
Disappointment is realizing you're all out of Peanut Butter Chips Deluxe cookies.
Disappointment in self is realizing you're disappointed about being out of Peanut Butter Chips Deluxe cookies.
... lying to your children about the excruciating effects of not eating their vegetables.
Sorry I haven't blogged or twittered for a few days - something huge came up that required my full attention. Like, catastrophically huge. But no worries, it's all been taken care of now. Crisis successfully averted!
See, basically what happened was - you know what? Never mind. You don't want to know. Trust me.
February 11, 2009
God, what's your favorite color?
Parsplink. You don't have that color down there on Earth, but trust me. It's the best one. Next!
How do I go about getting you to smite some people for me?
Smiting is very serious business, not to be taken lightly. Plus it's a lot of paperwork. I'm not just going to go around smiting this guy or that guy just because he did something that tweaked your nuggets the wrong way. If you really want to be proactive about it, you've got to get organized! Find a large group of people who would also like to see said nuisance get theirs, and sign a petition or something. Show me you're really committed to seeing somebody get smot, and I'll take it under advisement. Next!
Remember when you took all those internet personality tests?
Well, remember the one that said you would survive for one minute and fifty-four seconds chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor? Um... you're God. Shouldn't you survive forever?
First of all, dinosaurs aren't real. I don't know how many times I have to tell you guys that. Second of all, don't you think that I, God, as the Master and Creator of the Universe, the All-Powerful and All-Knowing God That Is God That Is Me, would be capable of creating a monster that could kick my own ass if I wanted to?
Besides, I'd like to see YOU survive for nearly two minutes. Those things are crazy dangerous! Next!
Any tips on how to get ketchup stains out of a silk shirt?
No, but here's a tip - if you're in a place fancy enough for a silk shirt, you're in a place that should be too fancy for ketchup food. Next!
What is the meaning of life?
I sent all of you, my precious children, down to Earth for a very simple reason. Population control. See, Heaven used to be really crowded. In The Beginning, everybody was packed in tighter than Oliva Newton-John's bad Sandy pants in 'Grease'. We only have room for so many people in Heaven at a time, so I figured out that if I rotate a few billion of you at a time down to Earth, and not all of you come back because you decide you'd rather be murderers or devil worshippers or Bill O'Reilly, than that gives all of us up here a little more leg room.
At the time, however, I didn't take into account the expansion of the Universe. So now we all have more room than we really need. Turns out, if I'd been a bit more patient, everyone could have lived in Heaven forever. My bad!
Can't wait to get to the Pearlies to ask God your question? Email Him at email@example.com
February 10, 2009
... torturing your gullible niece with a game of Got Your Nose!
Posted by God at Tuesday, February 10, 2009
February 9, 2009
It's kind of funny (not funny "ha ha", but funny "queer"; but not "queer" like "gay", "queer" like "Boy George"), but I've noticed that in the land of America, a lot of the people that claim to be my biggest fans are also big fans of NASCAR.
Posted by God at Monday, February 09, 2009
You know, you guys have been slacking off on your prayers of gratitude lately. I figured it's probably on account of you not knowing how to narrow down all the things you're grateful for in concise prayer form (you know how I hate those rambling prayers!), so I decided to help you out. Here's a list of stuff you should thank me for. Pick the three you're most grateful for and pray about them tonight!
- Matchbox Cars
- Anti-Viral Kleenex
- "Participant" Trophies
- Fly Swatters
- Corrugated Cardboard
- Stuffed Animals
- Richard Simmons
- Band Aid (but not Band Aid 20, I had nothing to do with that)
- Sour Cream 'n Onion Pringles
- Three-Ring Binders
- Those little caps you twist onto the knobby things on your tires
- Gwen Stefani
- Lead-Free Paint Chips
- Pool Floaties
- "David After Dentist"
February 6, 2009
Thou shalt not show thy affection for another by inviting them to accompany thee to a children's theater group performance of Roald Dahl's "The Twits" under the false pretense that they shalt haveth 'fun' or 'not wisheth to shoot themselves in the face'.
February 5, 2009
I really think it's important that we here in Heaven do everything we can to make sure we truly understand what you guys are dealing with down on Earth. I don't want anyone to lose touch with what we're doing, after all. It's all in the details. Which is why we live in houses and wear clothes and instantly teleport ourselves to work every day, just like you.
One of the things about being in charge of PR here in Heaven is that Moses has to keep up to date with all the latest fads down on Earth. That's part of why I gave him the job, because Me + Technology = Me Being Confused By Technology And Just Miracling My Way Out Of It.
That's why Moses told me to start this blog - eight years ago. When I told him that I was starting it for real a few months ago (I do things in My Own Time), he told me that blogs are "totally passé now." To which I said, "Shut up, Moses."
He's always wanting us to get the latest and greatest gadgetry up here. I don't know how many times I've told him that I want us to use all the typical stuff that you guys use on Earth, and not the newfangledly stuff that only the super rich white geeks can afford. But still, he persists.
Like the other day, he said he thought we should get a high definition flatbed scanner. I asked him what it does, and he gave me a bunch of mumbo jumbo about digitizing our old files and going green and all that stuff.
"What?" I said.
"Sigh," Moses said. "Basically, it's like taking a picture of a piece of paper and making a copy that you can keep in the computer."
"Like a Ditto machine?"
Then he just walked away. Probably because he realized how silly he was being. Everyone knows that Ditto sheets are purple, not green. And you can't keep them in the computer because all the wires get in the way.
February 4, 2009
Bandit loves it when we go out to the Fields of Clouds and Gold and play Frisbee. It's pretty much just like when you guys play Frisbee with your dogs down on Earth, except because it's Heaven, our Frisbee tastes like a ribeye.
February 3, 2009
... faking an inoperable tumor to get out of going on a Surf'n'Turf dinner date with Ernie from HR.
February 2, 2009
Most people do not realize that even though I'm God, there are still certain Rules of the Universe that I have to follow. I can't just make whatever I want to happen, happen, if it goes against these Rules. It's a nuisance, yes, but it's also what keeps the Earth from barrelling headlong into the Omega B12 Galaxy (full of toxic gasses but packed with nutrition!).
For example, I found out today that this year I'm contractually obliged to give those of you in the U.S. of A. six more weeks of winter, because Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow. So don't blame me!